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Old 12-13-2008, 05:17 PM
 
9,816 posts, read 19,014,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I gave my ex a separation agreement that stated he had to pay NO child support until the divorce was final. We divorced five years later, and I paid for every cent of our legal fees as well. He was having a tough time financially, and I didn't want concerns about money to affect our relationship with our son. Not every man gets "raked" as you think.
Well there are a lot of women out there not as stand up as you. And to be fair plenty of men as well.
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:46 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,469 posts, read 33,412,913 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edwardius View Post
If you assume that most people started being sexually active when they were about 16, and once they got sexually active, they probabably didn't stop. The older you are and the longer you have spent not being married, the more sex partners you are going to have had. The average 40 year old male who has never been married is going to have had sex with a lot of people. Is he a player? Do you see why I don't think the term is that useful?
As a woman, that term player is useful to me. Sure, the older one gets as a single person, the more sexual partners they will have had, but there's a huge difference between having one sexual partner every few years and a different partner every weekend or once a month. It does add up. So a single man of forty, well a non player guy I would figure on having 10-15 different women in his lifetime tops, and a serious player easily over 50. I've heard guys that were bartenders boast of having 300 plus different hookups. And that's just plain disgusting to me.

Any man that treats sexual encounters so casually or considers having them such an important pastime, then is not the man for me. And if it eliminates the majority of men out there, so be it, because there are still tons of decent guys left.

And just like some people are alcoholics or addicted to shopping or eating, some people are sex addicts. Anyway, while I enjoy sex with the person I love, if I'm not in a serious relationship, I can easily go without sex for a long time. It's just not that important to me. I have plenty of other activities that I enjoy doing. And before I get serious about a guy, I do try to find out what his attitude is about sex. And if we're not compatible, then that's a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to change him, and I'm not changing myself to please him either.
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:56 PM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,429,344 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blossom4792 View Post
Yes, yes, good points lol. For me it's just a door maybe opening - just romantic feelings I haven't harbored in a very long time. I have an interesting separation agreement - if I stay married I keep the "best" health insurance (which I lose upon divorce, unless I pay a lot of $); if I re-marry, I lose an incredibly valuable pension on a man no company would insure, even 10 years ago (for a 20 year policy). I sound horrible, but I'm just trying to refute some of your financial assertions. He married me for my money, but I figured out how to safeguard it. I gave up a 6 figure salary to raise a child.
If I am following you correctly, there really isn't a reason for you to marry anyone else. So why would you want to get married again? Right now its you and your ex who get to make all decisions for your kid. If you remarry, you are just adding someone to your life who will take time away from your kid and apparently financially you will be no better off.

So why bother trying to get married again? Strong religious beliefs? Why not just have a boyfriend?

In a sense, I am a lot like a woman. I would willingly marry a woman if you she makes more money than me or has more financial assets, especially if she doesn't demand a prenupt. But otherwise, I don't see the reason.
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Old 12-14-2008, 12:10 AM
 
Location: "The Sunshine State"
4,334 posts, read 11,929,221 times
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Either....
1. Selfish
2. Smart
3. Wierd

I have found in the past most to be #3.
Today maybe more are #1.
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Old 12-14-2008, 12:19 AM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,429,344 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
As a woman, that term player is useful to me. Sure, the older one gets as a single person, the more sexual partners they will have had, but there's a huge difference between having one sexual partner every few years and a different partner every weekend or once a month. It does add up. So a single man of forty, well a non player guy I would figure on having 10-15 different women in his lifetime tops, and a serious player easily over 50. I've heard guys that were bartenders boast of having 300 plus different hookups. And that's just plain disgusting to me.

Any man that treats sexual encounters so casually or considers having them such an important pastime, then is not the man for me. And if it eliminates the majority of men out there, so be it, because there are still tons of decent guys left.

And just like some people are alcoholics or addicted to shopping or eating, some people are sex addicts. Anyway, while I enjoy sex with the person I love, if I'm not in a serious relationship, I can easily go without sex for a long time. It's just not that important to me. I have plenty of other activities that I enjoy doing. And before I get serious about a guy, I do try to find out what his attitude is about sex. And if we're not compatible, then that's a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to change him, and I'm not changing myself to please him either.
I guess I see the matter as more gray. I have gone through several periods where I was in an exclusive committed relationship for a number years. But there were also periods where the relationships weren't that solid and I had a number of partners during a fairly short period of time as well. I also don't think my experience is that unusual.

The other thing is that as you get older and the women you date are older, there is also a shorter lag time between when you meet someone and how long it takes for a relationship to get sexual. The dating period between established long term relationship is just more sexual as you get older. Maybe its that women have more testostrone or they have better accepted there sexuality. I don't think I am any more suave than I was at 19, but how these dates have unfolded has changed significantly.
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Old 12-14-2008, 04:57 AM
 
4,313 posts, read 5,265,036 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edwardius View Post
I never found the distinction between players and non-players to be all that useful. Its sort of like the distinction between sluts and good girls. Modernly almost everyone is having sex before they get married. In one sense, all women are sluts and all men are players but in another sense no women is any more of **** than any other and no man is actually a player. Instead the sexual morality just changed and people are clinging to outdated language to put down sexual rivals.

If you assume that most people started being sexually active when they were about 16, and once they got sexually active, they probabably didn't stop. The older you are and the longer you have spent not being married, the more sex partners you are going to have had. The average 40 year old male who has never been married is going to have had sex with a lot of people. Is he a player? Do you see why I don't think the term is that useful?

If you like the guy, express interest. But realise the older you get and the older men get the less reasons either of you have to marry again. You have kids that you probably put before him in any potential marriage. Neither of you are 23 with no assets to your names. So mixing your financial situations is going to be more complicated. Both of you have been around enough to realise that marriage isn't just about love, but its a financial arrangement that may or may not be equally attractive for both partners to enter into.

Breaking up with a boyfriend is less expensive than a divorce because there are no lawyers involved with fees to be paid. So marriage starts out being a less attractive baseline option. From experience you know that marriage isn't forever. I can see the benefits of you getting married to a wealthier guy, but what does he get out of marrying you?

Remember marriage is a permenant transfer not only of your wealth but your earning potential to the spouse that makes less money. Marriage makes sense for the poorer spouse, but why should the wealthier spouse ever marry? To raise your kids who already have an existing father?

Women complain about guys having commitment issues. Why shouldn't they have committment issues? Generally men make more money than women. Marriage tends to create the biggest benefit in the spouse that make the least amount of money. Why wouldn't you have committment issues about a contract where you are getting the worst end of the deal?
It's funny pretty much every post in this thread is great, i was handing out reps left and right

There were some great points made all around, and this is how most intelligent men feel now days -- marriage is not something to jump into, but something to be treated with extreme skepticism. I personally have no desire to get married ever. It's not that I'm a player, because I'm not. I'm sure that I COULD be but it seems a bit frivolous to me. I would rather spend that time on my career, honestly, I get more out of it long-term than chasing after girls. I don't want kids, though, so for me there is very little point in getting married. Financially speaking, I have a lot of assets and wealth already, so it's extremely unlikely that I meet a girl I happen to really like who actually has more money than me, making marriage a really bad financial risk. Where's the benefit? I don't want kids anyway, so why do I need to be married? I just want to date the girl for as long as we are both enjoying each other's company and as long as we're having fun, then when that's over it's time to move on. Relationships are about fun and enjoying life, so if that's not happening it's time to end things. Since nothing in the future can be guaranteed, I don't see the reason to make some sort of promise to be with this girl for the rest of my life when I'll simply have better, more fulfilling options in the future.
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Old 12-14-2008, 05:13 AM
 
Location: Sydney, Australia
283 posts, read 658,612 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wanneroo View Post
It is.

I know women will blow their trumpet and have a cow, but I do ask what is in it for me? If I am going to put myself in that commitment and put the effort out then what benefits do I get in return for coupling with you?

When I was younger, 18-28, in all the relationships I had, it seemed like I did all the heavy lifting so to speak. Basically when I stood back and looked at it from the outside, essentially I was being bled of money, time and my health and didn't have anything to show for it. Admittedly, I had made some mistakes and there were things I needed to learn about myself, but once I had that Epiphany I began to view relationships differently.

For me to get married, I have to see the benefit of being in a legally binding couple. If there is no balance and it's all about the woman leeching off me and driving me up the wall, then why bother?
well, what about intimacy? or a life partner and friend, someone to share everything with? how come none of the men here mentioned anything along those lines. is it really all about money and sex for men, nothing deeper and more fulfilling in their relationships at all? if you are that worried about splitting your wealth later in life you can always get a prenup. don't men need some emotional support and an intellectual and spiritual bond with a woman, at least on some level?
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Old 12-14-2008, 10:09 AM
 
9,816 posts, read 19,014,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spyrals View Post
well, what about intimacy? or a life partner and friend, someone to share everything with? how come none of the men here mentioned anything along those lines. is it really all about money and sex for men, nothing deeper and more fulfilling in their relationships at all? if you are that worried about splitting your wealth later in life you can always get a prenup. don't men need some emotional support and an intellectual and spiritual bond with a woman, at least on some level?
Oh definitely, that would be one major benefit to being married for me. Especially with me traveling it would be nice to have someone that cared where I was or what I was doing. And it would be nice to have someone that had my back and provided some emotional support. I think if I was married to the right person, my life probably would be better.

However, I have seen women use the intimacy card as a control game over men, hence I am very leery and guarded about running out there and just getting married to get married. It has to be the "right person" otherwise I am content with staying the course.
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Old 12-14-2008, 03:41 PM
 
822 posts, read 2,612,653 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edwardius View Post
If I am following you correctly, there really isn't a reason for you to marry anyone else. So why would you want to get married again? Right now its you and your ex who get to make all decisions for your kid. If you remarry, you are just adding someone to your life who will take time away from your kid and apparently financially you will be no better off.

So why bother trying to get married again? Strong religious beliefs? Why not just have a boyfriend?

In a sense, I am a lot like a woman. I would willingly marry a woman if you she makes more money than me or has more financial assets, especially if she doesn't demand a prenupt. But otherwise, I don't see the reason.
Ah, you're good. Hey, marriage is not a possibility right now. If ... way down the road ... a man wanted marriage for religious or just other reasons, then I'd consider it if he were really the right man. This one, the one I originally wrote about, showed an interest in my child, which maybe was what sparked my interest, not sure.
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Old 12-14-2008, 07:28 PM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,429,344 times
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Good luck with it. Take care
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