So can anyone illuminate the psychology of a never married, over 40, etc. (husband, problems)
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Statistically a man over 35 , never married has a 50% chance he is gay. the odds increase with age. Perhaps the crush is for the unattainable?
Not to be the one to point out the obvious but maybe he is great for dinner parties, decorating, and chick flicks :-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
This is a lot of pressure for men to marry. Now single guys have to worry about people thinking they are gay.
The two of you sound like you either live in the bible belt or in small communities, where men with jobs are considered "shirkers" if they fail to support a woman, any woman. Perhaps both apply to you.
This is just not the case for most older single, never married men I know. Understand that the dating scene, for the 15 years after age 18, is extremely biased towards a small number of "good catches" and most men (probably 2/3) spend years trying to build up their attributes to make themselves desirable. Everyone talks about women's "biological clock" but little is said about men's "economic clock" - the race to improve the factors one can control and influence faster than the ones they cannot control, go south.
When, as is often the case, this doesn't work and they look around in their 30s and see what is available, many just opt out.
They aren't gay, they are just making a decision based on carefully weighing the options and by that age, they are well aware of the downside of marriage.
Then a few years later, many women see them and say, "its unreasonable that such a great guy is not married. l know so many needy single women and surely they will now overlook his lack of physical attactiveness." When their matchmaking doesn't work, they come up with long lists of reasons. Most are just conjecture and the gay explanation is just laughable.
The two of you sound like you either live in the bible belt or in small communities, where men with jobs are considered "shirkers" if they fail to support a woman, any woman. Perhaps both apply to you.
This is just not the case for most older single, never married men I know. Understand that the dating scene, for the 15 years after age 18, is extremely biased towards a small number of "good catches" and most men (probably 2/3) spend years trying to build up their attributes to make themselves desirable. Everyone talks about women's "biological clock" but little is said about men's "economic clock" - the race to improve the factors one can control and influence faster than the ones they cannot control, go south.
When, as is often the case, this doesn't work and they look around in their 30s and see what is available, many just opt out.
They aren't gay, they are just making a decision based on carefully weighing the options and by that age, they are well aware of the downside of marriage.
Then a few years later, many women see them and say, "its unreasonable that such a great guy is not married. l know so many needy single women and surely they will now overlook his lack of physical attactiveness." When their matchmaking doesn't work, they come up with long lists of reasons. Most are just conjecture and the gay explanation is just laughable.
Thank you for posting this. Isn't it sad that we live in a society that seems to judge people who are single? As someone who's in his 30s and has never been married, I think it says little about me that I'm still single. On the other hand, it says plenty about the people who feel the need to judge and draw conclusions about someone they've never met. When I meet someone, man or woman, over 40 who's never been married, I don't wonder if there's something wrong with them or that they're gay. I just think, "OK, I guess they never met anyone they wanted to marry." Why is that so hard for some people to accept? Does it make you feel bigger if you can find something wrong with them? As much as I'd like to be married someday, I won't see it as a failure if I never am. I'd rather be single than end up like so many who marry too soon, divorce and then spend the rest of their lives dealing with the consequences.
The two of you sound like you either live in the bible belt or in small communities, where men with jobs are considered "shirkers" if they fail to support a woman, any woman. Perhaps both apply to you.
This is just not the case for most older single, never married men I know. Understand that the dating scene, for the 15 years after age 18, is extremely biased towards a small number of "good catches" and most men (probably 2/3) spend years trying to build up their attributes to make themselves desirable. Everyone talks about women's "biological clock" but little is said about men's "economic clock" - the race to improve the factors one can control and influence faster than the ones they cannot control, go south.
When, as is often the case, this doesn't work and they look around in their 30s and see what is available, many just opt out.
They aren't gay, they are just making a decision based on carefully weighing the options and by that age, they are well aware of the downside of marriage.
Then a few years later, many women see them and say, "its unreasonable that such a great guy is not married. l know so many needy single women and surely they will now overlook his lack of physical attactiveness." When their matchmaking doesn't work, they come up with long lists of reasons. Most are just conjecture and the gay explanation is just laughable.
Hi WhyShouldIWorry,
I am going to rep you on this one. It is often about lining up their self confidence, career, appearance and experience. Some gauges are going up while others go down. One guy could land his career and then have his hair fall out or fatten up. For some, its all about thinking he has something he thinks he can sell. Again what was stunted?
All my gauges lined up in my early 30s. After what I went through from 6th grade to sophomore when I was a fatty and everyone made it clear I was a bum, I must admit when I still looked 25 and ripped with a money and a career I enjoyed the "So you want a piece of this now?" Like with Fred Garvin, it was going to cost you this time.
I have a specific reason for asking this question (yes, mega-crush), but I'm wondering if anyone could explain the psychology of a super-professional man, over 40 (let's say mid-40s), never married, no children, very ultra serious and professional - successful, but not buying a super-mansion or fancy car. I guess one example is Patrick Fitzgerald who I take it got married last year. But I'm wondering how such a person structures his life; what does he do when he gets home? Does he watch TV or just read professional journals, or does he have some way to find casual dates? And does he suppress his sex drive, or do men, even the super serious academic types find an outlet and how? And is this an age trigger where they are looking to finally find someone? [I would also ask about females, but my goal here is somewhat specific; but obviously all discussion is welcome and appreciated]. I feel kind of paranoid about being more specific, just don't want to jinx anything, even if completely totally unrealistic.
maybe he is looking for that special someone that will rush off to the net and talk about him! tell me you have a twitter account!
The two of you sound like you either live in the bible belt or in small communities, where men with jobs are considered "shirkers" if they fail to support a woman, any woman. Perhaps both apply to you.
This is just not the case for most older single, never married men I know. Understand that the dating scene, for the 15 years after age 18, is extremely biased towards a small number of "good catches" and most men (probably 2/3) spend years trying to build up their attributes to make themselves desirable. Everyone talks about women's "biological clock" but little is said about men's "economic clock" - the race to improve the factors one can control and influence faster than the ones they cannot control, go south.
When, as is often the case, this doesn't work and they look around in their 30s and see what is available, many just opt out.
They aren't gay, they are just making a decision based on carefully weighing the options and by that age, they are well aware of the downside of marriage.
Then a few years later, many women see them and say, "its unreasonable that such a great guy is not married. l know so many needy single women and surely they will now overlook his lack of physical attactiveness." When their matchmaking doesn't work, they come up with long lists of reasons. Most are just conjecture and the gay explanation is just laughable.
You misunderstood my comment. I'm floored by the "statistic" of half of never married men over 35 being gay. Seriously, wow. I think people should live and let live rather than judge and speculate. I don't think anything about a man of any age who has never been married. I only care about what kind of person he is, of which marital status has no bearing. If someone tried to judge me being a single female over 35, analyzing me to find the problem, I would think they were a moron.
Why I am 40 and never married,I dunno maybe because I haven't met someone that would make me want to make such a commitment and the one that I actually feel head over heels love for....
Maybe because so far for now I like to play on the grass but don't want to have to do yard work,maybe because so far I haven't met someone worth signing half of ownership of the yard to them?
This thread has gone nine pages now and I have yet to see the following reason a man my be single and over 40 discussed.
He could come from parents and posibly grandparents who had rocky marriages and his parents my very well have seperated. He may as a result had to delay or forego the normal course and progression his life otherwise would have taken as a result. Especially if he had to help his mother either solo or along with other siblings to support the family if support was not forthcoming on the father's end.
If his mother rose to the occaision and developed a career of her own as part of the team effort this can make matters even more complex as he may invariably seek a partner in life with the same fortitude, ambition, work ethic, strenght and courage in the face of adversity, etc. as his mother. Not to say there are not women out there like this, but I think it may serve to thin the pack to an extent.
If he has indeed developed assets and/or wealth along the way he may guard it with greater care for a variety of reasons, the insecurity and accompanying fear of his childhood experience, the expectations in a partner to be independent and have her own net worth, a reluctance to enter the more traditional role of male as primary or sole provider, fear of marriage due to parental experiences, all for reasons apparent given the role models and experiences in his life.
If someone tried to judge me being a single female over 35, analyzing me to find the problem, I would think they were a moron.
Actually thinking they were a moron would be letting off them too easy. The fact is they have no business judging you. The reasons you've never been married should only matter to one person. You. One of the great things about getting older is learning to not care what other people think of you. If someone finds out I've never been married and concludes that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm gay, I won't go out of my way to convince them otherwise. What I will do is return the favor and start finding things to judge about them. "Oh, you're not even 40 and you're already divorced? What happened? Were you lousy in bed? Did he get tired of hearing that annoying voice? Did he trade you in for a newer model?" The very title of this thread is part of the problem. The psychology of a never married? It isn't a mental condition that you diagnose. Does that mean we should have a thread titled "The Psychology of a Twice Married"? I bet that would be far more interesting.
For all the "bias" against single or never married men over 40 (or 35), that bias is far stronger against single/never married/ divorced too long women- especially by other (married) women.
That men need to explain or justify never having been married strikes me as an odd thing. Other guys, including married ones, simply don't care. This "concern" is almost academic. It's worthy of discussion, but just doesn't have any real weight to it, at least not like women in the same boat have to endure.
If anything, it's married guys who are always whining and complaining and expressing their envy of the single guy (often indirectly, but sometimes explicitly), regardless his age. That's definitely my personal experience!
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