Former friend a narcissist? (mom, attracted, syndrome, emotion)

[Aylalou]

Originally Posted by rlrl

You are not immature, and it's not about forgiveness. You have simply not resolved an issue within yourself. Your reaction to him has to do with personal issues you have with yourself, and only talking with a professional for clarification will help you understand why this person bothers you so much. True, he is not a likeable guy; most people feel that way about him, apparently. Find out why you have handed over power to this person, especially after all these years and be prepared to do the work that will change things for you.


**yes, my personal issues were that i valued my own modesty, humbleness and honesty and he trashed every one of those, in fact made mincemeat of everything that was good about me. he even told me i was "too honest" with the women and explained it as "that's why you ain't getting none, boy". in his logic, i suppose being "dishonest" made him a father and then a husband? what twisted logic

and what stinks is that i still think that, partly he was right, because to really 'make it" in this world, at least financially, one cannot possess the qualities of humility, modesty and honesty. my own parents kind of drummed that kind of distortion into me around that time that i was in my 20's so in a way it kind of resembled his attitude toward me.

well, i have certainly come a long long way since 1985, but i wish i could shake myself free of this intense hatred i have for this character

I really believe it's not this guy you hate. By your own admission, he seems to be reminding you of how your parents made you feel - not good about yourself. Therein lies the problem - not with this guy. Had you not felt bad about yourself, this guy's words could never have bothered you, and if they had bothered you, and you held yourself in high esteem, you would have thought f--k off and gone your own way and never looked back.

[Tzaphkiel]

i don't know if he is a narcissist or not
but you certainly sound to me like you are a lot more mature and kind and understanding person than he is

i am not surprised that after ending your friendship with him
that your life turned around and improved

my experience with those types of people is they really do try to prevent you from having a successful life yourself, in many ways, like what you describe as criticizing you and undermining your confidence through disparaging remarks

true friends are kind and encouraging and supportive, not insulting and undermining. I am glad you went your own way.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by rlrl

i valued my own modesty, humbleness and honesty and he trashed every one of those,

and what stinks is that i still think that, partly he was right, because to really 'make it" in this world, at least financially, one cannot possess the qualities of humility, modesty and honesty.

i wish i could shake myself free of this intense hatred i have for this character

he's wrong
you're right

humility, modesty, and honesty ARE valuable character traits

and you do NOT need to give up your values to succeed financially

plenty of people who are humble, modest, and honest make good livings. you sound like someone who really values certain character traits. If you try to force yourself to be like the people you hate, become arrogant crooked and nasty, you will destroy yourself.

[rlrl]

thanks for the kind words raja and the realistic words ayalou. yup it was about me and my folks 100%(btw y relationship with the folks has gotten much better since that time)

back then in 85 i was earning $0.00

today i am not making 6 figures like he is or others are but i just got a nice increase and better responsibilities. i've been at the same job for 18 years and it took me a long time and sacrifices to be making what i make but i make it and if i play my cards right i will make more

but if he knew me today he would pick on the fact that i'm not a risk taker(since i've had the same job for 18 years) and would consider what i make to be, in his words, "peanuts".

[Aylalou]

The main thing is how you feel about yourself - not how much money you make. If you like what you do, that's worth more than any great paying job that you hate to go to everyday. What this guy says is bull. You do what's right for you.

[artsyguy]

Or you could see it in another view. A person with high self regard is offended and baffled by how another person could be so rude and disgraceful. Ever thought of that? It has nothing to do with parents.

A person with low self worth and low confidence would think of themselves so lowly that they deserve to be treated that way or feel like it is fine and just move on.

A person with high self respect would become offended and angered.

High self worth doesn't make you immune to insults, and other psychological abuse.

Originally Posted by Aylalou

I really believe it's not this guy you hate. By your own admission, he seems to be reminding you of how your parents made you feel - not good about yourself. Therein lies the problem - not with this guy. Had you not felt bad about yourself, this guy's words could never have bothered you, and if they had bothered you, and you held yourself in high esteem, you would have thought f--k off and gone your own way and never looked back.

[artsyguy]

Not everybody is like you and you shouldn't force anybody to do "Work" that isn't in their best interest.

And what do you mean by "work". You keep bringing that word up as if you are an authority on the subject. Objectively what is "work"?

If the OP was so dysfunctional then he would be in and out of drug rehab or jail or terrible relationships.

Originally Posted by Aylalou

23 years to get over a problem? Yes, I'd say there's a lot of work to be done. And seriously, Artsy, do you really think any one improves without work? That's no improvement! If nothing changes, nothing changes.

[rlrl]

that old friend may have actually been jealous because i had transferred from Univ of Bridgeport Basic Studies Program (that's where we both met) which was designed for underfunctioners in high school (low SAT scores) to SUNY Albany in 1982

He transferred to NYU in 1981 after a year of Bridgeport and when he found out I was accepted to Albany he said he was "freaked out" because he knew it was a good school. That was also the time when i noticed he became nasty and cutting towards me

Well, I couldn't handle the workload at Albany and ended up getting physically ill from stress and landing in the hospital with a urinary infection for 10 days. Obvioosuly I had made a wrong decision to transfer there. When i got out and told him about my bad experience his attitude seemed to worsen and get even more bitter. Then i went to a community college for a semester and pulled a 4.0, transferred elsewhere and my problems with him worsened. My grades were bad. By 85 I could no longer deal with him and the rest you already know about

But of course my life has turned around 100% since then

[rlrl]

him telling me he was envious of me because I didn't have the responsibilites of a family (since he had gotten his SO pregnant and she didn't want to abort the kid they "had" to get married) that he suddenly had heaped on him

Perhaps he subconsciously knew I was the less impulsive of the 2 of us, secretly resented that and took it out on me for that reason?

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by rlrl

But of course my life has turned around 100% since then

that is really what matters
that is really what is important

all that matters is living a happy life yourself

miserable people often seek to drag others down with them
let him sink into whatever misery he creates, you don't need to go there with him or let him drag you down