Lifelong single guys, what keeps you going? (marriage, adult, feelings)
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"New Age" means telling someone they can rely on the power of their mind for anything and everything, when in reality, concrete practical things may be to blame. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Age)
Well, if settling down isn't what I described, then what? So far, all relationships I observed among my age group have been very sedate; i.e. exactly as I described. Even among people who used to be very fun and outgoing in their single days. I know people are supposed to stop having fun and focus on their partner when they settle down after a certain age, but does it have to be that bad?
Besides, there's no way I'd expect my SO at my age to agree to, for example, hike on a trail until our feet are sore, then nurse the pain over a dinner of spicy wings and beer. (I've seen my friends' fiancees get tired after hiking for 1 mile, let alone 10 miles, like me and my friends used to do.) Or take a 2-hour road trip to some crazy costume festival just for the heck of it. Or even get drunk together just because we had a stressful work week. It seems more reasonable to expect her to want a candlelit dinner at home and "talk about the relationship". In fact, whenever I do see a couple over 30 truly having fun together, not just doing something romantic, I decide that they're either having a fling or just friends.
So back to the original topic: what keeps me going is that I still get to enjoy my weekends, rather than using them on "the relationship".
Reading your post makes me feel sad for you in that you must not have seen what a good marriage looks like. I don't mean this to be judgmental or insulting, please know this. it's just that your posts read like this. There are good marriages to be had. One where the couple truly are each other's best friend, and like, love, and respect each other. These might sound like empty or obvious words to you, but it really is a simple as this. IMO this doesn't mean they have to be together all the time. I think it's healthier for them to each have their own time, interests, hobbies, etc.. I also know that there are women out there who like to do the things you like. I know two couples, one in their 30's, one in their 50's, who like to do what you do - bike 20 miles, then go to the pub to celebrate it.
As to your statement " It seems more reasonable to expect her to want a candlelit dinner at home and talk about the relationship". You are missing the mark. There will be time and place to discuss the relationship, and this should be ongoing as you develop the friendship, but it should not be uncomfortable if you are a good match, nor should it dominate your every free moment. The people I know with good marriages enjoy being together on the weekends and going out exploring, trying new things. They do have fun. To settle for less is a waste of one's life.
I happen to think the poster "Fairfax" gave you good advice - it's an emotionally mature post. I also think you aren't at the point in your life where it makes sense to you - no offense meant but you are at a different place for now. And no way is it New Age. It's clear that this person spent time on themselves in introspection and worked on resolving their issues - if more people did this I imagine we'd see less divorces.
You will meet the right person, when you are the right person. I mean that you need to do some work on yourself, figure out specifically what you want out of a relationship, and what type of person you want to be with. Until you quantify this, you won't know if you've met the right one...they could walk in and right out of your life and you'd not have a clue.
You really have no idea whether a potential S.O. will agree to hike a trail until your feet are sore until you meet one and find out. And you will not meet one if you assume that women just want to eat dinner and discuss relationships; or if you assume that your friends are the frame of reference for all relationships.
You know, you just gave a great argument in favor of being friends first. It's a good way to vet a potential SO. And I happen to know a decent number of women through Meetup, on an acquaintance level. There are also many arguments against being friends first, especially in the material that's against TOS to mention. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RaleighLass
You will meet the right person, when you are the right person. I mean that you need to do some work on yourself, figure out specifically what you want out of a relationship, and what type of person you want to be with. Until you quantify this, you won't know if you've met the right one...they could walk in and right out of your life and you'd not have a clue.
I much appreciate the words of encouragement. For now, what I want the most out of a relationships is to just be left alone. To be able to do something spontaneously without answering to anybody, or to accidentally forget to do the dishes without getting torn a new one. You know, like the Tea Party: to have less government over my life.
Hobbies, Work,School.Find something that interest you I have no friends and and have been single my whole life.I got money and junk for companionship.Learn to fly a plane sail a boat shoot some guns.Use your mind and imagination.Im constantly remodelling my house.Theres also tv shows youtube video games to keep you entertained.
In theory it would be nice to come home to a woman waiting for me with cold beers and in her lingerie with a smile but we dont always get want we want in.life especially when other people are involved.Sometimes Im lonely but a few rounds on the Xbox and a hit pizza cheers me right up.
In theory it would be nice to come home to a woman waiting for me with cold beers and in her lingerie with a smile but we dont always get want we want in.life especially when other people are involved.Sometimes Im lonely but a few rounds on the Xbox and a hit pizza cheers me right up.
I don't think such a relationship exists in today's world. It's a nice fantasy, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeGuyInFairfax
Not really. You start as friends you will likely remain that way. Patient courtship is a better way to vet a SO.
That is not a relationship then.
#1. True. But the support of being friends first was mostly tongue-in-cheek. I'm aware of the friend zone and such. I can still see it being a good way to screen out someone's likes and dislikes, and decide whether to stick around or to run like the wind.
#2. You might be right. I'm probably not cut out for relationships. Me being horrified at my friends' relationships, and how emotional and intense they are, kind of speaks for itself. Or perhaps I need a really laid-back one, with just a few promises and ground rules. Which doesn't exist in my age group, unfortunately.
All I want is a SO who will treat me well, ride me hard but not put me away wet, and I'll do for her the same.
Oh and split the utilities and food. I'm the man, I got the house, I'll take care of the house related expenses (mortgage, taxes, repair). I'd even leave the house to her if I croak first.
I'd love to split the cooking with her, either alternate dinners or even better cook side by side!
Surfing social media and looking at friends who are tied down in long term relationships with women they don't like, further forced to deal with the burden of children who eat up their time and their finances. Then when they;re asked to come out somewhere there's always a reaosn why they can't, despite the fact that they're clearly itching to come.
I want freedom at this age, the freedom to do what I want whenever I want with the only issue being money rather than fmaily responsibilities. I still enjoy occasional sexual encounters, normally consensual activity with women I meet in bars.
As far as I'm concerned, committing to a long-term relationship at an early age is like leaving the party at 8pm.
That's good to hear, Razza. You sound like a man under control. Sounds like it's working!
I want pretty much the same thing, but in a relationship (not marriage) and definitely no kids. Well I'm too old to have kids anyway. Looking for a compatible woman who wants same things I do. I've had successful relationships living together a few times in my life, few years to several years the longest. Hm, I guess that doesn't bode well for me unless I pick better this time. I've gotten very, very picky.
That's why I would take on owning the house, and not have any kids. If it doesn't work out she leaves. I probably should run that past a lawyer, have her do it with her own lawyer, sign an agreement before living together.
But marriage? Looking at divorce statistics makes me shiver. I wonder how the few that stay happily married do it. I doubt I will ever find out. My parents had happy lives together. I think our culture changed. Technology has something to do with it. What used to work doesn't work any more, not for a lot of us. Too many of us.
That's good to hear, Razza. You sound like a man under control. Sounds like it's working!
I want pretty much the same thing, but in a relationship (not marriage) and definitely no kids. Well I'm too old to have kids anyway. Looking for a compatible woman who wants same things I do. I've had successful relationships living together a few times in my life, few years to several years the longest. Hm, I guess that doesn't bode well for me unless I pick better this time. I've gotten very, very picky.
That's why I would take on owning the house, and not have any kids. If it doesn't work out she leaves. I probably should run that past a lawyer, have her do it with her own lawyer, sign an agreement before living together.
But marriage? Looking at divorce statistics makes me shiver. I wonder how the few that stay happily married do it. I doubt I will ever find out. My parents had happy lives together. I think our culture changed. Technology has something to do with it. What used to work doesn't work any more, not for a lot of us. Too many of us.
My only worry is that I naively assume that when the time is right I'll inevitably find the right person, have some kids, and live happily ever after. Obviously things can be a bit more complicated than that, so I am trying to be careful. The last thing I want is to miss an opportunity that I may come to regret in later years.
My only worry is that I naively assume that when the time is right I'll inevitably find the right person, have some kids, and live happily ever after. Obviously things can be a bit more complicated than that, so I am trying to be careful. The last thing I want is to miss an opportunity that I may come to regret in later years.
It's the living happily ever after that's the problem. Best you can do is really know who you are marrying. The divorce statistics tend to say most people don't really know their partners or select them for the wrong reasons.
My cousin has married 4 times. First 2 times he didn't have a house. Second 2 times had a house and lost it in divorce. Final time his wife poisoned his kids against him (only wife he had kids with), so he lost them too. Now he has nothing, just barely too old to find a job, renting a room. He says he will never have anything to do with women ever again. He loves his dog and that's all he has. I can't say that I blame him.
At least he has no dating problems, and his dog loves him like any dog you treat well. He also has no life except hair brained business ideas that always fail. Gawd it's a depressing story.
Maybe men whose testosterone levels decline prematurely might be the lucky ones. -- If they have escaped destroying their lives before then, unlike my cousin.
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Me being horrified at my friends' relationships, and how emotional and intense they are, kind of speaks for itself. Or perhaps I need a really laid-back one, with just a few promises and ground rules. Which doesn't exist in my age group, unfortunately.
