Quote:
Originally Posted by west seattle gal
...and in thinking about what I just wrote, and what I observed growing up, native Southerners will give you the shirt off their backs if a neighbor is in trouble. Just super supportive of others in hardship, especially the older generation. Also less bureaucratic, rules bound, and reserved in their interactions with others. There is a warmth in Southern culture that is missing on the West Coast. I hope it still exists in the Triangle.
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From everything I've seen and heard, it definitely still exists.
I grew up in NC for about 2/3 of my childhood, and then recently moved out to SoCal and have lived there for the past 5 years. I am also planning to move back to NC soon.
I really empathize with some of the issues you are discussing that are so, SO difficult for me to otherwise express.
I think I can sum it up pretty handily with a revelation I used with my husband, once:
Why don't West Coasters bring over a cake or something, like Southerners do, when someone new moves into town?
Because the Southern person will politely accept it, smile and make friends with their new neighbor, and then, after the door shuts, immediately throw out the cake if it wasn't a flavor they liked, or give it away to someone else. If it's something they like, they will eat it, and ask for the recipe later. Even if they don't like the cake, they may still eat it (or pretend to), and then wait until the person who brought the cake over prompts them further.
Wouldn't want to be rude! A perfect stranger just brought me a wonderful cake..they couldn't have known what I would like. I'll correct them later when the time is right.
The West Coaster will immediately launch into a diatribe about how that's really nice of us to go through the trouble, but they're gluten intolerant, and they don't eat carbs, or perhaps they've started a new juice fast. Oops, sorry, gotta go pick up the kids from yoga! After the door shuts:
What kind of a weird person brings a cake to someone that they don't even know? That's really rude! They should have at least gotten to know me and my preferences before they started trying to do stuff like that! Why are they being so nice, anyway? That is so suspicious..
I feel like Southern relationships start out polite and superficial and develop into deep bonds. Western relationships start out formal and forthcoming, and then develop slowly into more casual and informal circumstances. It's more like "Let it Happen" while the South basically opens the opportunity for every new person to get a crack at being accepted right off the bat, and if they screw it up, they're out.
It's like, everyone in the South knows that the cake is a lie. It's a lie put out there to break the ice. The cake really doesn't mean anything, except, "We noticed you just moved in." It's a symbol. But that symbol is necessary in order to get a feel for your neighbors and what they are like. Are they going to return the plate? Will they admit when they return the plate that their youngest son is allergic to chocolate? I got to peek inside their house and see how they live--now they're going to see my house, and how I live.
Out West, there's no such symbol that I am aware of, so it just ends up being this awkward situation where your neighbor moves in, you never see them, you have no idea what they do for a living, and if someone comes over with a cake out of nowhere, you automatically assume that they are a nut, or that they want something in return, or both.
And the thing is, people do expect stuff in return. If they go through the trouble of baking you a cake, they generally do expect something out West. "Hey, I noticed you're having a party Saturday night..I brought you a cake so you would invite me and my friends over." The screwed up part is, I think that actually works, and unlike in the South (where I think that would be considered a tad presumptuous--if you weren't asked to the party, you aren't allowed over), in the West it seems to me like this is totally okay, as long as you aren't rude or demanding. If the people say no, you just try something else, or ask what it would take in order to get what you want, and they'll tell you. It's so direct and forthcoming..it really confuses me. Like, out West I find that I can ask someone if they will help me get a job. If I want a certain job, and they know someone, and I just say, "Hey, can you help me?" they will, whereas in the South if they wanted me to be there, they would have offered.
I'm not entirely sure, but I'm starting to suspect that if you find something about the person that you like, and you offer to do something for them in exchange, it's a lot easier to make friends out West than if you just offer them something blindly and don't ask for anything back. It makes them very uncomfortable, and Southerners are really good at the whole "doing things without being asked and doing them for no reason" thing. Plus, that's the only way they are motivated to make a connection with you--they get something they want for it. Southerners, on the other hand, function on a traditional set of rules where everyone does X, then Y, then Z, and then they are friends. If you don't want to be friends, you don't DO X, then Y, then Z.
I think that's why it also comes off as being catty at times. If someone in the South says that they are going to do something for you, and then they don't, it's usually kind of a slap in the face or otherwise subtle fighting words. If someone out West says they're gonna do something, they may or may not actually do it, and it really means nothing one way or the other. The next day they're still the same nice person they always were, just off in their own little world.
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but I'm still feeling out the people around me. Feel free to PM me over the next month or so and I can share more of my experiences.
