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Buy a really nice vehicle that you really love to drive!
As the child matures you might be able to board him, locally, at school during the week. I'll be perfectly blunt and straightforward with you: Among other skill sets I am a retired Real Estate Broker. I've counseled many families who had: housing, financial, and area or location decisions to make similar to your own (and, sometimes, far more difficult to decide).
Right now road fatigue is forcing you into, 'sinking your teeth' into an expensive, questionable, and potentially risky home and neighborhood exchange. The only, 'given' is that, at the present time,
YOU HAVE A LOT! YOUR DAILY LIVING SITUATION IS STABLE, AFFORDABLE, LOW STRESS, AND YOUR PRESENT HOME ENVIRONMENT APPEARS TO PROVIDE A VERY NECESSARY SENSE OF BOTH AESTHETICS, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL COMFORT.
I, also, appreciate what you've said about your child's special needs. Taking time, road risk, fatigue, and expense into consideration I'd suggest that you try to work out a, 'more livable' attendance and class schedule with the school. You might, also, look into renting an apartment for you to stay at, overnight, during several days each week. Another option is to find a local family you can pay money to in order to board your child during the week.
The final option I'd suggest, (and I'm making these recommendations, 'off the cuff' and, 'sight unseen') would be for you to, 'take the blinders off' and investigate other academic facilities that are closer to home.
You, your husband, and your child are, all, going to only get older. Daily life has its challenges; and as your child matures, life will (or should) become easier for him, but increasingly more demanding of your own time, energy, and effort. If the ultimate goal is for your child to, at last, stand on his own two feet as an adult, then (I'm being blunt, again.) the sooner the necessary maturation process starts, the better!
As for wasting a Realtor's time? Hell, if all the potential clients I've dealt with had actually told the truth, and ended up either quickly leaving the office, or else buying a home from our firm, ....... then, today, I'd be a multimillionaire!
In the real estate business you seem to meet two basic kinds of people. Broadly speaking: the very best, and the very worst of humanity. (The ones I instantly disliked were those who would stretch the middle syllable in the word, 'Realtor' and turn it into, 'Ree -lat-tor'. In some 30 years in this, or another closely related industry, the latter expression was always a signal of either resentment or contempt on the speaker's part.)
Generally, though, good people sometimes do bad things; and bad people sometimes do good things. You've got to, 'take 'um' as they come through the front door! During my career I was able to help several families recover from what might have been abject bankruptcy; and, on two separate occasions, I actually worked with people who ultimately turned out to have murdered their spouses. That's real estate!
There will be days when you make money; and there will be other days when you lose it. Truthfully, as I write this, I'm able to think of three other fellow Realtors (or should I say, 'Ree-lat-ors' ) who either cheated, or tried to cheat me and/or the people I was representing. That's real estate, too!
If you feel a pressing need to sit down with a Realtor and have a, 'face-to-face' then I suggest you do so. This is, after all, the internet; and any advice you receive from anyone - including myself - will only take you so far.
I think you should stay put. You love our neighborhood, your husband is close to work. You should buy the car of your dreams to commute in. When I started working from home (which means out at appointments all over town most of the time) I bought a very comfortable car since I pretty much live in it most days. That's my trade off. You could do the same thing. I'm from the DC area though- a 45 minute commute could be about 10 miles away..l
You are allowing this one child to (potentially) up-end your entire household routine. You need to look at your own needs, and those of your husband, and any other children you may have. This child's problems are life-long, and may improve a bit as he gets older, but may not. I understand that he is gifted, but the chances of employment and autonomous life in adulthood are not promising.
I do not feel that you have explored all your options. The suggestion that you find a small rental where the two of you can spend the night a couple nights a week, is a possibility. So is hiring a bus or driver service, even part-time. Perhaps you can network with other parents of students at that school, to see what solutions they have come up with. Just moving, seems extreme to me.
Also, you are not taking all the costs into account. It isn't just gas - you will need more car maintenance, and more frequent new or used cars. If you move, there is the cost of the move, and there are "costs" in any move that are not financial.
I hope that you have both (husband and wife) insured each other, for the care of this child. If something were to happen to either one of you, this could all unravel. It might, anyway.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I appreciate them.
Everyone had made really good cases for both staying and moving and I do appreciate them. You are right that we would be allowing our 8yr old to alter our family, which does seem ridiculous. At the same time I think there is a good argument to move as well. You've given me things to think about, thanks.
To the poster who mentioned that our son's chances for living on his own are slim...no they really aren't at all. He goes to summer camp (for typical kids) every year without issue, has friends in the neighborhood, is in sports, etc. He doesn't have behavioral issues. We chose to send him to this school primarily because he is years above grade level and our only other option was to skip him which we didn't want to do because he is socially awkward, not on an Asbergers level or anything like that, just has trouble relating to kids his own age and ticcing all the time doesn't help. Having Tourettes should not impact his life in the long term, there are many successful people with Tourettes. Financially we are great, well insured, with savings and would easily qualify for a 15yr mortgage on a new home in the price range we're looking at.
Your husband may think he won't mind the commute because he isn't commuting right now.
Just from your post I feel l like you find beauty and peace in your town and don't mind the commute too much.
About the next 6 years. Think how fast time passed already. Or if it did.
How do you see yourself and your family generally after those next 6 years? Will it be a good time to settle back a bit and enjoy your town even more? Do you feel like your town is home and a safe place to land every night and moreso in the future?
What does your son feel about changing house and town?
Your husband may think he won't mind the commute because he isn't commuting right now.
Just from your post I feel l like you find beauty and peace in your town and don't mind the commute too much.
About the next 6 years. Think how fast time passed already. Or if it did.
How do you see yourself and your family generally after those next 6 years? Will it be a good time to settle back a bit and enjoy your town even more? Do you feel like your town is home and a safe place to land every night and moreso in the future?
What does your son feel about changing house and town?
Thank you cully, all really good points. Yes, we love our town. I'm not sure if we will live here forever anyway but I wouldn't mind at all if we did. You are absolutely right about my husband, you never know what commuting is like until you do it!
you never know what commuting is like until you do it!
SUre, and I think there is a difference between your husbands' commute and yours. His is: drive, be at work, drive back. Yours is back and forth and back and forth. This gets to you, especially if the commute is on a longer side. I bring my kids to activities every other day to the same town, and even though it is a shorter commute, the "back and forth and back and forth" of it does get on my nerves at times. So I totally see where you are coming from.
Though my suggestion would be this - you said you stay at home currently, what if you found a job near your son's school? I absolutely get your "I don't want to walk around grocery stores for 7 hrs a day", but doing something productive? Maybe it will be part time job - couple days a week even, so you have time for other stuff you are doing? That might help, and shuffle things around for you.
I applaud your intention to be up front with potential real estate agents, I think most people don't think honesty is best policy when talking real estate. None the less, if you are just looking at your options, why don't you visit open houses in the area? They are commonly advertised, and you don't need an agent to attend. You can actually choose an agent while going to open houses, chat them up, and see if there is someone you feel comfortable talking to in more details.
And my last suggestion is - since you are really juggling with the idea of moving, try it out! Give yourself a time frame - say couple of months, when you start doing things for your potential move. But really do them: go to open houses, maybe talk to mortgage broker etc.
Another crazy idea - rent an apartment for say a month (maybe arbnb?) that is close to school, and try it out - your commute will be shorter, your husband's commute will be longer, you will be in a different town etc.
Other questions to consider:
any plans for other child/children or no?
any chances that your husband will have different job, or his company might relocate?
Hmmm...you have a tough choice. Gifted kids need to be challenged and often public schools can't do that. Are his friends in your current city or through school?
If they are local then staying put seems like a good choice, but if they are through school you can be mobile and leave anywhere. So then it is really is about your happiness. Both your son and husband have just a back and forth trip. You are the one spending three hours in the car everyday.
Everyone is scattered everywhere for the school, but is there any parent you can meet halfway to carpool? Cut the trip a bit each day?
Ok final question and then I'll shut up. IF we do decide that we are leaning towards moving, is it acceptable to ask an agent to show us a few houses to give us an idea of what we can afford in a new area before we make a final decision to move? We would of course ask the same agent to represent us if we did. Thoughts on that are also appreciated.
Thanks all.
Use the internet to research your area. It should be easy to find acceptable neighborhoods in the area near your son's school even before you engage a realtor. Try the local city data forums for the area to get the inside scoop.
Also, after you drop your son off, explore the new area. Spend one of your days in the area. Visit parks, neighborhoods, community activities, coffee shops, etc. Also, when you finally do engage a realtor, it should be easier for them to show you properties during the week. They will be less busy, fewer other showings to schedule around, etc.
Is this son your only child? If yes, you can find a job close to his school and hire a maid to do chores.
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) who either cheated, or tried to cheat me and/or the people I was representing. That's real estate, too! 
