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Old 02-02-2019, 10:03 AM
 
2,702 posts, read 648,901 times
Reputation: 2216

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Piney Creek View Post
OP, a few other questions to ask yourself (if you haven't already):


Re: "sparking joy." There must have been a time when the house you have now sparked joy. Otherwise you wouldn't have bought it. What were those things, and what changed? If you can remember what it was that originally sparked the joy maybe you can find a way to bring out that joy again.

Right now the new house is sparking joy, but what happens when that stops? Will you want to move again? Maybe your husband doesn't want to do this because you've been down this road before. Maybe not just with houses, but with all sorts of things. If this is an issue, what can you tell him to reassure him things will be different when it comes to this house?

Is it possible that what you think of as "sparked joy" with this new house is really more about an obsession to get something that you feel you can't have? It's human nature to feel an increasing longing when you think something is being kept away from you. Then when you finally get it, you discover don't actually want it as much as you thought you did.

It's true that they say "Happy wife, happy life." But "Happy dude, happy mood" is just as true. Have there been times when your husband got to have some big thing he wants? If you can think of a few, that might help your case, rather than simply saying "give your wife what she wants."

You brought up being a cancer patient. I have cancer, too, so I understand some of the challenges a cancer survivor goes through. Weakness, exhaustion and thinking you can do more than you really can are real issues. Is it possible your husband doesn't want to move because he knows the stress of moving and throwing all these parties you're envisioning just isn't practical now that you will be dealing with cancer the rest of your life? If that's the case, talk with him. Maybe you can reassure him that your oncologist has given you reason to believe you'll have more energy than he thinks.

Do you really need a big backyard to throw a party? Are you really sure you're going to be throwing lots of parties, or is that more of a fantasy? Again, not giving an opinion, just tossing out things to think about.
You are making all very good points.

First the answers to the sparking joy thing: When we got married we lived in the city. Then we moved to the suburbs. My husband didn't really want to move then either even though his work is about 10 minutes from our house and he no longer has the long commute. He was reverse commuting back then. We were looking at houses in the city and we never found one we loved. We were driving in our neighborhood and we found this subdivision. We came back a few times and he was hemming and hawing and they finally said, there is one lot left we can build your house on and he signed. He has trouble moving forward with big changes. He didn't want to get pregnant in the beginning either. So we moved out here not realizing how small the yard would be from a place with zero yard. After all these years living on top of our neighbors, I want a little privacy. I, under no circumstances than death or leaving the area, plan to move again. Even if the house no longer sparks joy. (And now, you would think moving to this area was HIS idea in the first place).

I don't think he thinks much about me having had cancer. He is the kind of person who denies negative things to the extent he can deny them. I do not have cancer now but obviously my chances of a recurrence are greater than if I had never had it before. I am having a really hard time taking my required prevention medication. It keeps me awake at night. I have a really hard time sleeping.

I just want to live my life.

It's not a huge backyard. Its a backyard. We literally almost have zero yard now.

We might not have huge parties every week. But I just want to be able to have one or two a year.
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Old 02-02-2019, 01:48 PM
 
361 posts, read 114,934 times
Reputation: 850
I, along with Piney Creek, can see how your husband might still stressed from your cancer. This is especially true if "He has trouble moving forward with big changes."

My suggestion is take gardening classes. I took gardening classes before I planned out my garden. YOUTUBE IS GREAT! Search for "gardening in small spaces." There are tutorials for every situation.

I have an acre of land. We never have lawn parties. It gets too hot during the day and there are too many bugs at night. I really only use a 40 x 10 feet area for my gardening. I have container boxes for vegetables and a flower patch. I started out with BIG plans but the physical work of maintenance was too much.

If your kids will be done with college in 2030, then they are probably in middle school now. They are more independent. You aren't exactly an empty nester, but not having grammar school age children is a big step towards it. Maybe, this is a good time to take up a hobby or take classes.
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Old 02-02-2019, 02:00 PM
 
361 posts, read 114,934 times
Reputation: 850
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grlzrl View Post
I found this passage once:

A house is a home. Family completes the home, whether ďfamilyĒ is a freshly married couple without kids, or aging baby boomers (like us) with teens. Most of my men friends are like me. Weíre simple creatures. I can function in just about any living space. I could live in a garage and be happy. But no matter where I live, life is much better when my wife is completely happy. Much of her happiness is derived from our living circumstances, our home.

At the risk of sounding sexist, I admit to believing that women have a nesting instinct that men lack. So men, if you and your wife are on the exact same page with regard to price, location, schools and the physical attributes you seek in a home, more power to you. But if she has wants and requirements that you donít understand or agree with, Iím telling you to let her have her way. Just do it. Donít argue. She knows best. She does.


I think it sums it up nicely. I am at the point where I no longer want to do anything to my current house. I don't want to put $$ into it because I just don't 'feel it'. I want a place that 'sparks joy' if any of you get that reference.

Yeah, but like most feel good things, it isn't real. It was probably written before the 2008 real estate bust.

I get the "sparks joy" reference from Marie Kondo. She's taking about knick knacks, sweaters and pocketbooks. If a house costs the same as a pile of used clothes, then by all means, see what "sparks joy." However, a house is a major financial decision.

Your husband gets as much of a say as you do.
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Old 02-02-2019, 02:51 PM
 
Location: You call this living?
3,459 posts, read 1,403,650 times
Reputation: 8965
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
Yeah, but like most feel good things, it isn't real. It was probably written before the 2008 real estate bust.

I get the "sparks joy" reference from Marie Kondo. She's taking about knick knacks, sweaters and pocketbooks. If a house costs the same as a pile of used clothes, then by all means, see what "sparks joy." However, a house is a major financial decision.

Your husband gets as much of a say as you do.
I think your house should spark joy, too.
I would much rather buy an ugly purse than invest thousands and thousands of bucks in a place that didn't excite me.
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Old 02-02-2019, 02:57 PM
 
2,702 posts, read 648,901 times
Reputation: 2216
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
Yeah, but like most feel good things, it isn't real. It was probably written before the 2008 real estate bust.

I get the "sparks joy" reference from Marie Kondo. She's taking about knick knacks, sweaters and pocketbooks. If a house costs the same as a pile of used clothes, then by all means, see what "sparks joy." However, a house is a major financial decision.

Your husband gets as much of a say as you do.
I am not saying he doesn't get a say. My point was, it's way more important to me than it is to him.
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Old 02-02-2019, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
2,540 posts, read 1,119,682 times
Reputation: 6137
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
I, along with Piney Creek, can see how your husband might still stressed from your cancer. This is especially true if "He has trouble moving forward with big changes."

Agreed. Whether you think he cares or not, the cancer issue has to be important to both of you, or you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place. I can't believe he isn't thinking about it, especially if he has a wife in her 50s reading the obits regularly, and talking about how the obits have made her conclude people who have had cancer tend to die in their 60s. (and by the way, please stop doing that! It's not healthy.)

I'm sure he's not only concerned about your health and the possible loss of his spouse, he's also concerned about the financial strain that cancer brings to a picture. I can see why he might not want to add to the financial load. And if you're reading the obits all the time and talking about dying in ten years, it's probably also occurred to him that he'll have to deal with things after you die. And that adds a whole lot of other possibilities to why he may not want to buy a house that he doesn't really want right now. Especially since one roadblock after another keeps coming up with your pursuit of this house, it just seems like this purchase isn't meant to be.

Again, these are all things to think about.
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Old 02-02-2019, 03:18 PM
 
2,702 posts, read 648,901 times
Reputation: 2216
Quote:
Originally Posted by Piney Creek View Post
Agreed. Whether you think he cares or not, the cancer issue has to be important to both of you, or you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place. I can't believe he isn't thinking about it, especially if he has a wife in her 50s reading the obits regularly, and talking about how the obits have made her conclude people who have had cancer tend to die in their 60s. (and by the way, please stop doing that! It's not healthy.)

I'm sure he's not only concerned about your health and the possible loss of his spouse, he's also concerned about the financial strain that cancer brings to a picture. I can see why he might not want to add to the financial load. And if you're reading the obits all the time and talking about dying in ten years, it's probably also occurred to him that he'll have to deal with things after you die. And that adds a whole lot of other possibilities to why he may not want to buy a house that he doesn't really want right now. Especially since one roadblock after another keeps coming up with your pursuit of this house, it just seems like this purchase isn't meant to be.

Again, these are all things to think about.
Ok, I don't talk about dying all the time. I have a nice fat life insurance policy so if I should die, he will be fine.
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Old 02-02-2019, 03:53 PM
 
4,681 posts, read 2,375,502 times
Reputation: 8527
From the RE Professionals subforum. Looooong thread in which OP insists the house is overpriced and owners WILL break down and take her lowball offer.
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How long would you plan to live somewhere to buy a house?-3ab93cfe-e66c-4e41-8f2f-76b2736865a4.jpeg  
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Old 02-02-2019, 04:24 PM
 
2,702 posts, read 648,901 times
Reputation: 2216
Quote:
Originally Posted by pikabike View Post
From the RE Professionals subforum. Looooong thread in which OP insists the house is overpriced and owners WILL break down and take her lowball offer.
So what's your point?

I don't think I insisted they would take my lowball offer. Whatever. If they want to sell, they have to lower the price. As it sits and sits, it further supports my assertion that it's way overpriced.
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Old 02-02-2019, 04:36 PM
 
Location: under the beautiful Carolina blue
16,179 posts, read 24,771,918 times
Reputation: 12109
This would be a very easy cross town move from what I'm getting. What you really need to know (you, not us) is - Is your husband ACTIVELY ANTI MOVE or just not interested? There is a BIG difference. If you sat down with him and said "you know that house at 123 Smith St? I really think we can get it for "X" amount and I want it if we can. Are you on board with that?" Don't take a wishy-washy "I don't see why we have to move" for an answer. This is the time to delve deep and ask him - if it looks like when can get it, can we put in an offer and buy it, or will you make my life a living hell for "making" you move?

Once you have a mature and rational discussion about this using DEFINTE terms, you will have your answer. But the conjecturing is not going to cut it. I get the impression you are the type of person that throw out a lot of "what ifs" (not judging at all - really) and your husband just thinks this is another "what if" - not that you would definitely move into this house if you could.
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