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Almost 2 years ago my boyfriend broke up with me because he had personal issues he had to deal with and he didn't want me to get caught up in it. He said he considered me innocent and free spirited. I was 18 and he was 23. Even though he said it was for my own good and after he explained why (which I understood) I was still devastated. I truly loved him. A little over a month later he came to me with flowers asking for forgiveness. He said he realized he really loved me and he's sorry he hurt me. We talked for a long time and I forgave him. It went well for a long time and we even live together now, but lately I've been giving him a lot of attitude. I've been getting more negative towards him and over time he has been returning the negative attitude. We talked it over and he told me he thinks it's because I haven't really forgiven him. He said he feels down because he feels he's to blame for my negative attitude because I was never like this before. He said the only time I was like that was with people I didn't like but never to him before. I believe he's right. Part of me still resents him for betraying my trust in him. Part of me is still angry at myself for trusting him so completely. I want to forgive him and trust him the way I use to. He said he'll do anything for it. What should I do?
By the way he did not cheat or anything like that. His reason for breaking up with me was legitimate and outside of both our control. I have no real reason to still be angry with outside of the feeling I had when I was hurt.
I'm surprised that your boyfriend saw and deduced in you, what I couldn't even see in myself. Yes, it does sound like you are harboring some deep-seeded resentment towards him (even if subconsciously).
I wish I knew of a way to help you out. My relationship went up in flames over more serious matters at hand, before I even had the time of day to get to the pent-up resentment issues I was having, so I won't be any help here.
You can try the simple things, for anger managment, like taking up cardio kickboxing - or you can try forgiving him. But if you 2 have talked things over, then I'm not sure that will do much good, either. Sometimes your heart wont let go of things you tell your head to for good reason.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I try to look at everything from the view of a person on their deathbed, an If I could do it all over again moment; will this matter when I'm dying or will I wish I'd forgiven and started living long before now? Look how much time I wasted carrying this extra load around. Look at all the time we spent crying when we could have been laughing, making good memories.
ETA: Because you never know when today is your last--or your loved ones last.
Almost 2 years ago my boyfriend broke up with me because he had personal issues he had to deal with and he didn't want me to get caught up in it. He said he considered me innocent and free spirited. I was 18 and he was 23. Even though he said it was for my own good and after he explained why (which I understood) I was still devastated. I truly loved him. A little over a month later he came to me with flowers asking for forgiveness. He said he realized he really loved me and he's sorry he hurt me. We talked for a long time and I forgave him. It went well for a long time and we even live together now, but lately I've been giving him a lot of attitude. I've been getting more negative towards him and over time he has been returning the negative attitude. We talked it over and he told me he thinks it's because I haven't really forgiven him. He said he feels down because he feels he's to blame for my negative attitude because I was never like this before. He said the only time I was like that was with people I didn't like but never to him before. I believe he's right. Part of me still resents him for betraying my trust in him. Part of me is still angry at myself for trusting him so completely. I want to forgive him and trust him the way I use to. He said he'll do anything for it. What should I do?
By the way he did not cheat or anything like that. His reason for breaking up with me was legitimate and outside of both our control. I have no real reason to still be angry with outside of the feeling I had when I was hurt.
My first thought was 'this poster is still in high school', is that correct? You said the reason for the breakup up was beyond his control & legitimate. Then why can't you be more forgiving and make a legitimate effort to put this whole thing out of your mind? Did he really betray your trust in him, or are you betraying his trust in you? He trusted you to use good judgement and understand, you let him down. If you are mature enough to have a worthwhile relationship you need to trust him completely. If you are just playing games neither of you need to trust each other. What should you do? I would say you need to take a long hard look at yourself. You need to figure out what it is about you that makes you so special you feel the need to hold him at arms length. He saw something in you he treasured, or he wouldn't have come back with flowers. Don't make him be sorry he did. Get over it, and don't bring it up again.
If you bring it up more he might get tired of the negative attitude and probably start regretting getting back with you. It can cause him to break up with you again but this time for good. If you want that then continue what you're doing.
My first thought was 'this poster is still in high school', is that correct? You said the reason for the breakup up was beyond his control & legitimate. Then why can't you be more forgiving and make a legitimate effort to put this whole thing out of your mind? Did he really betray your trust in him, or are you betraying his trust in you? He trusted you to use good judgement and understand, you let him down. If you are mature enough to have a worthwhile relationship you need to trust him completely. If you are just playing games neither of you need to trust each other. What should you do? I would say you need to take a long hard look at yourself. You need to figure out what it is about you that makes you so special you feel the need to hold him at arms length. He saw something in you he treasured, or he wouldn't have come back with flowers. Don't make him be sorry he did. Get over it, and don't bring it up again.
By the way I'm 20 now and graduating college this year. You have some valid points but it's not as simple as it seems. He also had his own negative attitude since he was still getting over his past issues. Over time I found it harder to be positive around him. I was never the same after he came back because before I never thought he could hurt me but now I know that he can. I feel on guard all the time now as if I'm preparing for the next disaster. He tells me he knows he doesn't deserve it but he wishes I can still see him as someone who would never hurt me. I'm trying but I'm not sure if I can. I wish I were more naive like I use to be but now I see the world differently. What can I do?
I try to look at everything from the view of a person on their deathbed, an If I could do it all over again moment; will this matter when I'm dying or will I wish I'd forgiven and started living long before now? Look how much time I wasted carrying this extra load around. Look at all the time we spent crying when we could have been laughing, making good memories.
ETA: Because you never know when today is your last--or your loved ones last.
WB, for someone whose status says she wants to get it wrong, you're failing miserably--because you always get it right!
By the way I'm 20 now and graduating college this year. You have some valid points but it's not as simple as it seems. He also had his own negative attitude since he was still getting over his past issues. Over time I found it harder to be positive around him. I was never the same after he came back because before I never thought he could hurt me but now I know that he can. I feel on guard all the time now as if I'm preparing for the next disaster. He tells me he knows he doesn't deserve it but he wishes I can still see him as someone who would never hurt me. I'm trying but I'm not sure if I can. I wish I were more naive like I use to be but now I see the world differently. What can I do?
Believe me, you are naive enough. At your young age you haven't lived long enough to learn a lot of life's lessons. One lesson you need to learn is anyone can hurt you, and this won't be the last time you are hurt. If you care deeply for a person, that person can hurt you. If you don't care, that person can upset you, but not really hurt you like a loved one can. Since no one knows exactly what the "past issues" are, it is difficult to help you. You can help yourself by making up your mind to be adult enough to overcome and overlook some of the minor issues that bug you, are they really that important to you? Or are you just looking for excuses to be upset and upset him in return, to make yourself feel better? What can you do? You can stop acting like a child and forgive him and mean it, or you can tell him you are just too immature to carry on a meaningful relationship right now and that you are going to break up with him for good. I'm sorry, but with the attitude you have I can't see why he came back. Do you really think you deserve him? If you answer is yes, then remove your head from where it is right now, and get busy fixing this relationship, before it is too late. Is there anything about this you don't understand?
Believe me, you are naive enough. At your young age you haven't lived long enough to learn a lot of life's lessons. One lesson you need to learn is anyone can hurt you, and this won't be the last time you are hurt. If you care deeply for a person, that person can hurt you. If you don't care, that person can upset you, but not really hurt you like a loved one can. Since no one knows exactly what the "past issues" are, it is difficult to help you. You can help yourself by making up your mind to be adult enough to overcome and overlook some of the minor issues that bug you, are they really that important to you? Or are you just looking for excuses to be upset and upset him in return, to make yourself feel better? What can you do? You can stop acting like a child and forgive him and mean it, or you can tell him you are just too immature to carry on a meaningful relationship right now and that you are going to break up with him for good. I'm sorry, but with the attitude you have I can't see why he came back. Do you really think you deserve him? If you answer is yes, then remove your head from where it is right now, and get busy fixing this relationship, before it is too late. Is there anything about this you don't understand?
I understand your statement. He more or less told me the same thing before. The details of the "past issues" are irrelevant and I don't want to get into it. It started long before he met me and I just caught the end of it. He told me once he should've waited before we started dating me, but then I might not have been available by the time he dealt with it. I want to forgive him and I'm trying and hoping for the best.
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- or you can try forgiving him. But if you 2 have talked things over, then I'm not sure that will do much good, either. Sometimes your heart wont let go of things you tell your head to for good reason.
How do I forgive him?
