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Old 06-16-2010, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 15,108,340 times
Reputation: 19397

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Quote:
Originally Posted by megan722 View Post
A few months ago I posted about my husband's infidelity while on a business trip. Thanks for all of the feedback from before. Following my husband's infidelity, I did the stupid thing and had a revenge affair. If anyone ever contemplates doing that.. DON'T!!! I know you "think" you'll feel better after, you don't. I digress..

Following the affair, my husband has been very remorseful. He's now on medication to help with his anger issues. He's like a different person. He is treating me a lot better. However, we've had a terrible marriage prior to the infidelity. I haven't stopped looking for other men.. not had another affair again, but contemplating it. I realized today that it isn't another affair I'm after. I'm unhappy.

Bottom line, I think that so much has happened. We had a terrible marriage before. His infidelity and then my infidelity... I just think too much damage has been done. I think I just want to divorce. How do I know? I'm no longer angry at my husband other than he got the ball rolling... I'm more angry he refused to work on it until all of this went down. Now the damage is done. Can I learn to love him again? Will I ever get over this? How do you know?

At the end of the day only you knows what is best for you. I personally could never forgive an affair but that's me. It sounds as though you have both been damaged and your relationship might not be able to cope with the strain.

I think you need to sit down and really think about the situation, not with your mind but with your heart. It sounds trite but instincts are often our best guidance. How do you feel thinking that you might live without your husband and make a new life without him ? Do you feel you have more to lose by staying or by going ?

This must be a terribly distressing time for you so don't make hasty decisions until you have genuinely tried to assess your true feelings.


I could never trust someone who cheated on me and I suspect most people deep down would find it almost impossible but you owe it to yourself to be sure .

Maybe you and your husband should sit down together like adults and be totally open , get all the anger and bitterness out, put your cards on the table and see whether you can salvage anything from this terribly sad situation.

I am sorry you have had to suffer all this , nobody should be put under so much distress and pressure.


Trust and Loayalty is one of the most important issues in any relationship and if you genuinely can't see yourself trusting him ever again ( which I don't think anyone could blame you for) then maybe it is time to call it off.


You know yourself, you know him so it has to be something YOU decide. All we can do here is give a lot of hypothetical advice which might nto be terribly relevant to you ....

Marriage guidance might help but only if you think you actually want to salvage your marriage.

If your gut feeling is that you need to draw a line under it , I suspect your marriage is already on its last leg.

Basically what does a lifetime of not being with him sound like when you think about it ? A boring eternity of loneliness or can you envisage yourself making quite a happy life without him ?

You already have the answers, just ask yourself the right questions. All the best whatever you decide.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,864 posts, read 56,240,416 times
Reputation: 37932
Quote:
Originally Posted by megan722 View Post
Yes I have children in daycare and elementary school. In other words, young.

Have you sought counseling???
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:24 PM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,489 posts, read 5,552,069 times
Reputation: 3523
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Actually, now that you have reached bottom it's the perfect time to build a stronger foundation. Have you sought marriage counseling?
This, exactly.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:26 PM
 
292 posts, read 411,103 times
Reputation: 168
We went before this happened. He wasn't committed to it. Then I asked him to go again since this has happened and he hasn't made the appointment. I made the appointments and everything last time. He can make the appointment this time. I just don't feel about him the way I used to. Can I imagine a life without him? Yes I can. Right now and for the last 5 years, it has been miserable.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:28 PM
 
292 posts, read 411,103 times
Reputation: 168
Thanks for the suggestion about the book. I'm going to buy it right now off Amazon.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,864 posts, read 56,240,416 times
Reputation: 37932
Quote:
Originally Posted by megan722 View Post
We went before this happened. He wasn't committed to it. Then I asked him to go again since this has happened and he hasn't made the appointment. I made the appointments and everything last time. He can make the appointment this time. I just don't feel about him the way I used to. Can I imagine a life without him? Yes I can. Right now and for the last 5 years, it has been miserable.

I'm sorry, but you are wimping out.

Which would be no skin off my nose IF you didn't have young kids.

But you do, and they are counting on you to be better than this.

For their sakes, and yours even if you do divorce, you MUST go thru counseling.

At the end of the day you have to be able to look those kids in the eye and tell them you did your very best to make your marriage work.

Right now you can't do that.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:41 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 7,291,675 times
Reputation: 10061
Quote:
Originally Posted by megan722 View Post
We went before this happened. He wasn't committed to it. Then I asked him to go again since this has happened and he hasn't made the appointment. I made the appointments and everything last time. He can make the appointment this time. I just don't feel about him the way I used to. Can I imagine a life without him? Yes I can. Right now and for the last 5 years, it has been miserable.
I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling but in your case I think its a good idea.

I don't know your history beyond this thread, but from this post it sounds like you aren't even willing to try. You are both gulity, so this is no time for this kind of tit for tat "I made the appointments last time" thinking. If you are done, that's it I guess, but trust me the phrase "the grass is always greener" became an adage for a reason. You may be just as unhappy after a divorce as you are now, and that's not even discussing the effects of divorce on your children.
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Old 06-16-2010, 12:47 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 7,291,675 times
Reputation: 10061
I just refreshed my memory about your circumstances. I think a divorce over a business trip one night stand is a BAD idea. I think you were foolish to have an affair in retaliation, and I think you are risking your children's well being for the sake of ego and pride.

I advocate counseling even more now. You need help sorting things out.
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:46 PM
 
8,681 posts, read 7,661,918 times
Reputation: 14945
This is a tough, tough call. I can only say how I knew: I woke up one morning and said, "Ain't no way in Hades am I living with THIS for the rest of my life."

However, my situation was different than yours, as everyone's situation will be because every marriage is unique.

What I can suggest is that you listen to your gut. If it's telling you it's over, it is. Going through counseling will then be nothing more than a charade and a waste of money.

I also don't see the point of staying together for the children's sake. No matter how hard parents try to hide it, children can sense it, and believe me, no kid wants to feel like they're the reason their parents are living together in misery. When you think they're sleeping and you're having an argument and you think you're keeping your voice down, they'll be lying in their beds, awake, hearing every awful word you say to each other and wishing you'd just split up and find happiness. Trust me. Been there.

So listen to your gut. So far it has told you that what you're not looking for is another affair, and it has told you that you're unhappy.

Imagine living with your husband for the rest of your life.

Now what is your gut saying?
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:54 PM
 
292 posts, read 411,103 times
Reputation: 168
Hey I know it was foolish to do what I did and in no way am I blaming him for my actions other than he got the ball rolling... I just want him to take some responsibility and show he cares enough about our marriage to make an appointment for the counselor. Maybe that seems immature, but I've been doing this throughout our marriage. The one who cares enough to do it... We were seeing a counselor he "didn't like" and then boom he sleeps with another woman. So we were in counseling for a few months prior to this whole thing upon my urging. He just made no committment to it. He's been waffling about making an appointment to do it now. I don't just want him to show up but think it is all BS. That is how it was last time. He doesn't understand that it took us 5 years to get here. One little pill once a day isn't going to erase all of that.
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