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Sure, even if a woman says she doesn't need extravagant elegant fancy stuff will have a guy take care of her dinner/wine, entertainment, gifts, etc. Regardless of those things being expensive or not. It's one of those so called dating rules for men I guess, which women like but I don't necessarily support.
Yeah for me, dinner wine & entertainment is a part of my job. It's what I might call Tuesday at certain times of the year. I really don't want to do that stuff for work for 12 days on the road, then come home and do it again on a date. I'd rather hear you have this bizarre chicken pot pic recipe that is the best version I will ever taste, then you make it for me.
But what it you are like me, and don't need a fancy hotel, upscale dinners, jewelry as gifts?
Not all women care about those things. Sometimes I wish I did, but I don't. I never wish I had better clothes, better dinners out, better jewlery. I *do* sometimes wake up in the morning and wish I could roll over and touch someone with whom I shared meaning, love an affection. That's free.
Too many men think it's all about money.
And yet it is. Not about money per se, but security.
Security is important.
If you don't believe me, check out the "business and finance" forum.
Sex, like it or not, is a commodity in our society. It has value.
If you choose to be the "third wheel" in a poly relationship, I'd be the last to judge you. Humans are complicated.
Just make sure you cover your bases. The wife has already done so. She has a home, his life insurance, some joint investments, his social security.
If you "give up" ten (or more) years of your life for this person, what do you have to show for it? Some happy memories? A bunch of orgasms? Is that really going to be enough in your 50s and 60s or 70s?
And yet it is. Not about money per se, but security.
Security is important.
If you don't believe me, check out the "business and finance" forum.
Sex, like it or not, is a commodity in our society. It has value.
If you choose to be the "third wheel" in a poly relationship, I'd be the last to judge you. Humans are complicated.
Just make sure you cover your bases. The wife has already done so. She has a home, his life insurance, some joint investments, his social security.
If you "give up" ten (or more) years of your life for this person, what do you have to show for it? Some happy memories? A bunch of orgasms? Is that really going to be enough in your 50s and 60s or 70s?
Live for the day....but plan for the future.
Wow... I think you are getting a little too real here plaidmom!!!
I too am a single woman and a married man has nothing to offer me. To me relationships are not about money. I have enough money, so I am not looking for someone to buy me things. I am looking for someone to love me and put me first in their life. A married man already has a first, his wife. All he could want me for is sex. I can get sex, and I don't have to share it with someone's wife. Single women should never accept a married man's offer to be the other woman...even if the marriage is open.
I've been approached a lot by married men who say they are in open marriages. For the purposes of this thread, let's assume they are telling me the truth, perhaps their wives hate sex and are glad for them to get it elsewhere, or perhaps their wives like to get a little side action, or whatever the case may be.
If its online, I always delete messages from married men without answering them. IRL I say thanks but no thanks. These guys always take great pains to explain to me that it is ok for them to date, and that if need be I can talk to the wife as proof that they are legit and not cheaters. That's nice and all, but they never explain why I should want to get in on this type of relationship.
What exactly is it that a married man has to offer me, a relationship-minded single female?
Casual sex? OK, but I can get that from someone who isn't married. I can be a lot more picky when it comes to casual sex, most likely I wouldn't pick you even if you were single.
Part time girlfriend status? Why would I want to be someone's #2? Let's face it, I would always be #2, no matter how long we kept our little thing going. Why would I want half a relationship?
Friendship? I have friends already.
Money, gifts etc? I can see this one, were I motivated by money. But I have my own money and I'm not so into acquiring "stuff."
So what else is there, why should I want to do this? Or are they approaching every single female in hopes of finding the one looking for an FWB situation?
And finally, why can't you open-marriage people simply date each other, why insist on dragging a single person into the mix? Are you that selfish that you must have someone with plenty of free time in order to easily accommodate your sex schedule?
Wow, you sound just like me. See, they try to make it like they are offering something mutual, when, in fact, it is all on their terms. They won't spend your birthday, Christmas, etc. with you, because they go home to the wife for that. They don't want to leave the marriage because they don't want to split the assets, go through a divorce, upset the children, upset the relatives, look or feel like a failure, have to face their cheating, whatever.
To me, if it's SO bad, why don't they leave?
To me, there is NO such thing as an open marriage, because that is what marriage is about, a commitment to someone else.
Dating a married man will not lead to anything if you want a real relationship. It WILL lead to disappointment, frustration, low self-esteem, and conflict with what marriage is supposed to be.
To me, there is NO such thing as an open marriage, because that is what marriage is about, a commitment to someone else.
Dating a married man will not lead to anything if you want a real relationship. It WILL lead to disappointment, frustration, low self-esteem, and conflict with what marriage is supposed to be.
I agree. I have a hard time believing it's that great for the wife. Further down the road the man can keep trading his "girlfriends" in for the newest model but it will get harder and harder for a woman to date as she gets older.
To me it's just a financial marriage, or business arrangement. Why try to be romantic when you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
I agree. I have a hard time believing it's that great for the wife. Further down the road the man can keep trading his "girlfriends" in for the newest model but it will get harder and harder for a woman to date as she gets older.
To me it's just a financial marriage, or business arrangement. Why try to be romantic when you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
That's what they have. The open marriage is just a way of making it "tolerable" to stay in the same home. Neither wants to give up everything accumulated over the years...the house, the investments, the boat, the assets...
They don't have to put their children through a divorce, even if the kids are grown up and on their own.
But really, when one stays for the money, they trade in their soul. Because they know why they are there, and maybe going to lunch everyday and shopping at Nordstrom's is hot for them, but really, it is just about possessions. I don't know how they can be happy when the person they are supposedly living their life with is out doing someone else.
I really should know better than to come back and read on this thread... but really, when people keep making ridiculous one-sided claims, it's no wonder people have such a hard time comprehending why someone actually would find such a relationship desirable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by plaidmom
Just make sure you cover your bases. The wife has already done so. She has a home, his life insurance, some joint investments, his social security.
If you "give up" ten (or more) years of your life for this person, what do you have to show for it? Some happy memories? A bunch of orgasms? Is that really going to be enough in your 50s and 60s or 70s?
Live for the day....but plan for the future.
Among the poly families I know and/or hang out with, thousands of dollars are spent gaining legal protections for the non-spousal partners once those involved feel the relationship(s) has/have moved to that level. The law may not recognize or allow for multiple marriages (and legal protections of same) at the same time, but that does not mean there are not people out there who do not DESIRE such an arrangement/such protection.
So they do what gays and lesbians have been doing for decades... they make use of contract law, bequeathments, multiple beneficiaries, powers of attorney, etc. They work within existing laws to accomplish the appropriate legal protections for those involved. The use of LLC's is actually pretty common, and there are attorneys making nice little buckets of money catering to these families.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous1
Wow, you sound just like me. See, they try to make it like they are offering something mutual, when, in fact, it is all on their terms. They won't spend your birthday, Christmas, etc. with you, because they go home to the wife for that.
I'll be sure and tell my husband and my boyfriend that I am so sorry, but after all these years, we're going to have to revamp how we handle holidays and the like, just so we can fit in with this ridiculous assumption.
I think most people here presume there is some sort of adversarial relationship between the non-involved partners in these groups... that no one is "really" ok with their spouse having other committed relationships. And you all make some really ridiculous assumptions based on that FIRST assumption. You couldn't be more wrong.
This really makes me laugh quite a bit when I think of the whacked out wrangling and hoops my husband, boyfriend and another member of our extended "poly network" jumped through last year to make sure I could be with both my husband and my boyfriend on my birthday. There was this huge conflagration of issues colliding all in the 3 days before my birthday... work stuff, sudden travel issues, a late paycheck... everything that COULD go wrong, did.
But the three of them worked miracles, made sure it all came together, overcame hurdle after hurdle... and I quite merrily spent my birthday watching the (then) new Star Trek movie at the theater with them and enjoying a fabulous dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.
That was just for MY birthday. How about the way my husband helped me screen strippers for my boyfriend's 30th birthday some years back? Or the way my boyfriend flew in, got a rental car and hauled people back and forth to the airport for my husband's 30th birthday before that? Or the way my husband always makes sure to take extra vacation days before and after Thanksgiving so we can drive up and spend it with my boyfriend?
That's just how we work among the three of us... that doesn't even address all the other things we do to make sure their girlfriends are included, or people their girlfriends may be dating, etc. etc. etc.
We make it work because we WANT to, because this is what makes us happy... and the last thing we want is someone we care about spending significant dates alone, so we make sure that doesn't happen. Which, incidentally, is another advantage... like this past May, when my husband had to be out of town for work on my birthday. So my boyfriend spent the time with me instead.
Were I monogamous... I'd have been alone that day, and it would have really sucked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous1
They don't want to leave the marriage because they don't want to split the assets, go through a divorce, upset the children, upset the relatives, look or feel like a failure, have to face their cheating, whatever.
To me, if it's SO bad, why don't they leave?
Seriously, WHY would you assume that people are only in open or poly marriages because the marriage itself, sucks? Do you just NEED to believe that to be true or something?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous1
To me, there is NO such thing as an open marriage, because that is what marriage is about, a commitment to someone else.
Dating a married man will not lead to anything if you want a real relationship. It WILL lead to disappointment, frustration, low self-esteem, and conflict with what marriage is supposed to be.
Yay, more falsehoods. Where do you get this information from, really?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lyra33
I agree. I have a hard time believing it's that great for the wife. Further down the road the man can keep trading his "girlfriends" in for the newest model but it will get harder and harder for a woman to date as she gets older.
To me it's just a financial marriage, or business arrangement. Why try to be romantic when you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
Um yeah, ok... first, why are you assuming that people involved in these relationships keep "trading" up? I'm gonna be 40 next year, my boobs are sagging a bit, I've got a few more stretch marks than I started with, even found a varicose vein. Funny though, they seem awfully committed to keeping me around despite my ever-sprouting grey hairs and a butt that seems to want to take over Manhattan.
Why try to be romantic when you have the freedom to do whatever you want? Gosh, I don't know... perhaps because what you want is to do things to make the people you love smile? I know, crazy, crazy idea... how silly of me.
Here's the thing, ladies and gents... I live this. I've been living it longer than a good number of you have been married. Twelve years with my boyfriend, ten years with my husband. This is my life. Your opinions are based on either second-hand info, what you THINK you've seen happen in these relationships, bitter comments made post-breakup by angry people, or ridiculous garbage you've seen on TV/on the 'net. I live this. So do a few others here. But it's amazing how quickly anything we say, based on actual experience is immediately dismissed or tossed aside in favor of the "ZOMG it's awful/sinful/selfish/whatever!!!111!!1!" histrionics.
It's like anything. It can be bad, it can be good... it depends on the people involved. Just like...oh, I don't know... regular old, heterosexual monogamous marriage.
I've been approached a lot by married men who say they are in open marriages. For the purposes of this thread, let's assume they are telling me the truth,?
We can assume it for the purposes of this thread, but I'm betting 9 times out of 10, it's a lie.
I really should know better than to come back and read on this thread... but really, when people keep making ridiculous one-sided claims, it's no wonder people have such a hard time comprehending why someone actually would find such a relationship desirable.
I think there is a difference in the situations you describe and this claim on a dating site. Im sure you can correct me if Im wrong, but wouldnt someone in an open marriage find or be looking for another person by other means than an online dating site. I would assume the spouse would also be involved. I would think these legit situations would evolve through personal contacts or like groups of like individuals, not advertising on a dating site.
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Ask to MEET the open marriage wifey
