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I like to think I have the same values now (age 40) that I did when I was 20 and that I will have when I'm 80. I can't imagine dumping a spouse because they get fat, old or sick. We're all going to have health issues someday. Now would I start up a new relationship with someone fat, old and sick? Probably not because I want at least a few good years before having to play nursemaid. If I was married though, I wouldn't dump my husband that easily - I believe marriage is worth working at. I don't even think cheating is an insurmountable obstacle and I have several friends who have overcome it and built an even stronger marriage.
I look at my parent's as an example of a good (not perfect, but good) marriage. When they were younger they traveled, and went out dancing every Saturday. Now, my Dad is in very poor health and my Mom hasn't had a nice vacation in years because they keep having to cancel plans when my Dad needs more surgery. I went to visit them over Memorial Day weekend. Dad was in the hospital and when Mom and I were leaving to go back home, she leaned over and touched his cheek and said to get some rest and we'd be back later. That simple gesture said so much to me. Despite all the problems they faced over the years, they love each other and wouldn't dream of leaving.
So...your parents have 'IT'.....
It's really sad that some people will never have this level of devotion to a spouse. I wondered if it had something to do with age.....
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau
Great, advice from old dead people. One a artist that sniffed too much paint and used cutout shapes for things, the other a loner that lived next to a mud hole.
Neither could face up to a ravenous Bugblatter beast or know the meaning of life.
I think it comes more from life experience than from age. One of the greatest gifts in life is a long term relationship with one you love. For me no matter how bad, the bad times were... what came of them was a deeper love, understanding, and appreciation of one another. And yeah, do you know how many times I told my husband "please go to sleep, I plan on putting a pillow over your head tonight...."?
Sorry I drifted.... /lol
I think life experiences shape your views, and thus your advice.... with age doesn't always come wisdom. But with age comes more life experiences....
I'm a 50 year old female, and when reading the advice that the regulars are giving on this forum, I wonder if you think that your age has anything to do with your advice.....
For example...I find that many people would just 'get rid' of the wife or girlfriend who no longer is as 'thin' as the day you met her or the day you got married. I cannot fathom that advice coming from anyone who is truly in a loving relationship for the long haul. I've been married for 28 years and can't fathom what kind of man would just through his wife out cause she gained weight over the last 30 years or so.
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
Your focus is too narrow and quite anti male. The same thing applies to the women on here, but in subtlety different ways. The only difference is that they have a way of dressing it up to make a similar viewpoint seem reasonable and often, all the fault of men.
If you really want to talk about how experience (at least good experience) shapes people's advice, look at the advice from those advising women to look for men who will ultimately meet their expectations. From this, older women usually know who the good long term prospects are, but know they will have little success with such advice. This is a hard sell for nearly all women under 35. They are far too interested in snagging the "best specimen" they can lay their hands on and will often stop at little to get his attention.
Then, if they are "successful", have a couple of kids and gain 25 to 50 pounds in the process, they find out what he is really like. Where I live there is a shortage of women so many women who would have to lower their sights elsewhere can attract a very good looking guy, even if they have to forgo the trust fund. Such men are very slim, good looking and fit while she must stay on a 500 calorie a day diet to barely stay in the hunt.
Since such men are usually playing the field, it is important to understand that all the women see if the facade. When such men are talking (bragging) to their buddies, they can be very blunt in comparing the attractiveness of their conquests.
Other men with a basic decency often feel that they are witness to a bad soap opera and start to feel that there is really little hope to find any reasonable women who haven't been damaged by this experience. Of course, what women call such men is close to not being allowed on this site. When men say the same about women, it is usually deleted.
The advice I'm currently giving two late teen/early twenty young women is this:
You don't need a man to define you, you can't change him or fix his life enough to make him happy, you can't make him want to be a better person. You are only given so much energy in life and if you waste it all on miserable/using/draining people when you get to be my age, you won't have the energy left for yourself. Do not let others rob your joy. BE HONEST AND BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS! (and yes I reference my own mistakes along the way......
I'm young and I'm appalled how easily and often people get divorced (and married again) The thing that jumps out to me the most is how people are like "I just want to get out". They're bored and want to move onto someone "better" but when the newness wears off of that guy they'll think he's horrible and want someone "better" once again. They don't consider trying to keep thier vows and make thier realtionship work. He just wasn't good enough and that's why the relationship is not worth saving. Of course the same happens just as often with the husband thinking this and leaving his wife.
I don't think other people my age think the same as I do about relationships. Seems to me that most people of ANY age are selfish and uncompromising in relationships. Almost everyone I know considers breaking up during a big (or even an average) fight. We don't. It's never a question whether we're going to be together. We go through hard stuff together and have a lot to work on, and it's hard, but it's an easy decision to do the work to make our relationship a good one.
I think I'll think the same way I do about my core values when I'm older, but I've been told I won't by many many people. I thought part of the definition of core values was that they don't change. But, I guess I won't be able to prove it that I'll keep my core values forever until I'm dead
Last edited by thatsong64; 06-22-2010 at 06:28 AM..
I'm a 50 year old female, and when reading the advice that the regulars are giving on this forum, I wonder if you think that your age has anything to do with your advice.....
For example...I find that many people would just 'get rid' of the wife or girlfriend who no longer is as 'thin' as the day you met her or the day you got married. I cannot fathom that advice coming from anyone who is truly in a loving relationship for the long haul. I've been married for 28 years and can't fthom what kind of man would just through his wife out cause she gained weight over the last 30 years or so.
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
This board has been infiltrated with men from other boards that promote a misogynist agenda. They post links to this board and encourage their little buddies to "spread the word" to the young men out there. I've seen it.
I'm a 50 year old female, and when reading the advice that the regulars are giving on this forum, I wonder if you think that your age has anything to do with your advice.....
For example...I find that many people would just 'get rid' of the wife or girlfriend who no longer is as 'thin' as the day you met her or the day you got married. I cannot fathom that advice coming from anyone who is truly in a loving relationship for the long haul. I've been married for 28 years and can't fthom what kind of man would just through his wife out cause she gained weight over the last 30 years or so.
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
Didn't I just catch a lot of flak in another thread for this very sort of thing?
I think it's short-sighted yet NORMAL for young people to say their answers will be the same in 30 years -- because right now they know what they think they know, which is NOT what they'll know in another 30 years of experiences, ups and downs, processed information, etc.
Then again, for the most part people, regardless of age, tend to be pretty stupid -- so perhaps just like that public service announcement, the one against smoking pot where the guy is in his room smoking with a friend and he's saying "They say marijuana is bad for you, like it hurts you or something... I don't believe that... *puff*... I started smoking when I was 16... I've been smoking for years now... it hasn't hurt ME any... in fact.... I'd say I'm the same now as I was when I first started."
Just then you hear a screeching woman's voice saying "Did you look for a job today?!?"
He panics, tells his friend to crack a window, all the while waving his hand around and shouting "No, Ma... I, uh... the place was closed today..."
Yep, he's exactly the same.
A lot of people fail to really process experiences or data, never really change much at all -- so maybe their answers really will be the same in 30 years.
But not anyone who actually has a lick of sense inside their cranium. Even if they don't go out and shake the world, they'll still observe and change over time, and one day they'll look back and shake their head at the way they used to view the world. I don't think THAT ever changes, not really. But if you honestly think your answers and advice will be the same in 30 years then you're basically saying you already know everything you're ever GOING to know -- and if 30 years of life have so little to offer you, I'd stop breathing NOW were I you.
It doesn't INvalidate what young people think, say or believe, because that's the world in which they're operating -- but it does pave the way for the regrets they'll experience, even if only fleetingly, when they look back at missed or blown opportunities, lost friendships for pretty bad reasons, lost loves.
I think a lot of younger people look at the world as disposable and only when they get older do they wonder why they didn't try just a little harder with such-and-such person.
I'm older, never married. Because of this people may say that I have no business giving relationship advice. Here's my take ... over the past 25+ years, I’ve had my share of dating successes and failures, and I’m pretty clear on what works and what doesn’t. In addition to my own experiences, I have been involved with friends and family members through their dating experiences, marriages, separations, divorces and remarriages, raising kids, etc. I have known single parents and gay parents. I have known a few people who remarried and divorced a second time. I have also known couples married for between 25 - 50 years who are still happy. What concerns me most is today’s marrying frenzy, which seems based in the quest for stuff, status, and desperation. Today’s young people have such grandiose expectations; it’s a wonder to me how they’ll achieve it all. These cosmopolitans I know are waging the battle of the best engagement ring, wedding ceremony, honeymoon and first home. Women want “super husbands” who will take care of everything so they can earn the rank of stroller mom. In turn, men want women who look like super models, who will birth their children and pop right back to a size 4 … each time … and stay that size forever. Women are terrified that they won’t be able to have children and men won’t want them as a result, which is pushing them into marriage when they may not be ready. Too much knowledge can be a bad thing. A few years ago no one knew about prime childhood bearing years and good/bad eggs. They just got married – for better or for worse. If I ever do marry it will be to continue living the life I have now, but to just be able to share it with someone. The rest is all gravy.
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