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... If I ever do marry it will be to continue living the life I have now, but to just be able to share it with someone. The rest is all gravy.
Actually it can be more of a problem for older people based on this. We have our living ironed out mostly and would not mind sharing, but are reluctant/won't to give it up. It is the comfort zone. Young people are going through change and upheavel on a daily basis, so one more change is nothing. I used to say that I never wanted to live in the same place for more than 5 years. That has changed. Moving gets old even through the desire to build new is still there.
Actually it can be more of a problem for older people based on this. We have our living ironed out mostly and would not mind sharing, but are reluctant/won't to give it up. It is the comfort zone. Young people are going through change and upheavel on a daily basis, so one more change is nothing. I used to say that I never wanted to live in the same place for more than 5 years. That has changed. Moving gets old even through the desire to build new is still there.
I hope that this chapter of my life will be the beginning of great change. At 41 I finished grad school and I switched careers at 46. It's been one change after another for the past 5 years and very exciting
My last point was not to convey that I'm settled/content. Far from it. It's to contrast my relatively simple expectations (I think) to what I'm seeing others want from marriage today.
My difficulty with dating has been to find a man who is intellectually stimulating, who wants to learn about and see the world, and most importantly, who is kind and humble. As for money, I will satisfy whatever few material cravings I have with my own income. I grew up in a frugal household and the lessons have stuck. But I have met a lot of men who have really bad finances. Guys, spend within your limits and keep your credit straight .
Last edited by queensgrl; 06-22-2010 at 08:42 AM..
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
I don't know if I qualify as younger or older. I'm 36. Yes, I see some shallowness from some posters. One of the more shocking posts was from a young man who said his future wife would be allowed to gain 25 pounds for pregnancy, but she must immediately lose it afterward, and gaining more than 10 pounds at any other time would be grounds for divorce. Another poster said that if his future wife cut her hair short, he'd leave her, but that guy's not unreasonable so I think he was exaggerating. The 25-pound guy, not so much.
I also see a bewildering lack of foresight in the men who believe they will simply party with young women forever. They don't realize the bankroll that will require as they age, or they may not care. In them I see a refusal to accept their own mortality. Young, beautiful women do not want to play nursemaid, not without some heavy cash outlay anyway. My great-grandfather took 10 years to die of Alzheimer's, and my great-grandmother took care of him. My grandfather died of cancer, and my grandmother took care of him. My other grandmother is not well right now (she has some troubling issues, but they're not sure what's wrong yet), and my grandfather is taking care of her. We will all get old and tired and wrinkly and ill, and it's a boon to have someone to help us and stay with us and love us. Men may point to Hugh Hefner and J. Howard Marshall, but those men are/were not the norm by any means.
I also see a measure of selfishness in people who insist that their current or future spouses must love them no matter what. Don't we frequently tell people that in order to find love, one must be lovable? Engaging in behavior that is destructive to your self (addiction, not taking care of your body) or marriage (not communicating or compromising, obsession with hobbies) is not okay, and people should not expect their spouses to happily go along with it.
So will my advice be the same in 30 years? I don't know. I hope I will have grown in some way. I have gotten more tolerant of some things over the years and less tolerant of other things. I expect that will continue.
My difficulty with dating has been to find a man who is intellectually stimulating, who wants to learn about and see the world, and most importantly, who is kind and humble.
You remind me of my Mother and Sisters. After their marriages did not work out they went back and improved their education and careers. My mother got her PHD in Psychology at the age of 65, years ago now, My younger (baby Sister) just Graduated last month with a bachelors in computer stuff (not sure exactly) at the age of 45. Older sister Got her Computer training after her second husband left her for his High School sweetheart several years back while she was in her 50's. All have (had) succesful jobs, but all are single today. (Older Sister was married again but it was a short one this time.)
The problem is there are a whole lot of gals that would love to find what you describe. You will never find that kind of guy on a dating site, or in the bar scene. Sorry, but they will not be looking most times unless something tosses them out of the comfort zone. Or you find them.
The problem is there are a whole lot of gals that would love to find what you describe. You will never find that kind of guy on a dating site, or in the bar scene. Sorry, but they will not be looking most times unless something tosses them out of the comfort zone. Or you find them.
Agreed. It takes something major to pull men of a certain age out of their comfort zone. I think of my brother who is a never-married, workaholic electrical engineer. As for me, I never dug the bar/club scene and came way before online dating took off That said, I will keep true to what I believe would be the right marriage for me. And, I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for it to happen.
Shallowness is a very subjective term. For example, I don't think it's shallow to refuse a date with someone because you don't find them physically attractive, and I don't think it's shallow to lose interest in sex with your spouse if they completely let themselves go physically. For me, sex isn't lights off, under the covers, and strictly an expression of love and admiration. I don't think it's shallow or unreasonable to expect your partner to keep up their appearance. Providing they are in good health, and haven't totally morphed into another person resembling Jabba the Hut, I also don't think it's fair to say you'd leave them if they gained a few pounds over the years either. But that's different for everyone. If you know your partner as well as you think you do, then you will know where they stand on the superficial stuff.
I wouldn't leave my partner for gaining a few pounds over the years, but if she gained over 100 pounds and became morbidly obese that would be a severe blow to our sex lives. I would encourage her to lose the weight and work out with her before it ever got to that point. Sex is not just physical stimulation or emotional--there is also the visual element, the stamina element, and what pleases us to the touch and the eye. If you know your partner, there shouldn't be any surprises, you should have a reasonable expectation and idea of where their priorities lie and what would possibly drive them away.
As for the advice in regard to age. Well, you learn from experience, and it would stand to reason that your advice would be different at age 50 than it would be at age 20, given the maturity and perspective of several decades. That doesn't mean a 20 year old couldn't offer some sound advice, but in most cases what's important to you at 20 isn't all that important at 50 and so on.
I'd like to hear from some of the over 60 members here. We often say "If only I knew then what I know now"...well, if some of our senior citizen's care to chime in--what would you do differently at age 30, 40, or 50 knowing what you know now? Hindsight is 20/20, what have you learned and what would you do differently if you could wind the clock back 20 or 30 years?
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
I'm 43. My advice would have been different at 23. Why? Because at 23, I knew what a 23-year-old knows, which is usually not a whole lot about life or relationships. Nothing provides insight like experience.
That said, I think the light goes on for most people in their late 20s to early 30s.
They don't have what you have because the environment has changed into a kill or be killed environment. This new environment causes people to DEVELOP DIFFERENTLY (indifferent, cold) because we are all products of our environments.
So with that said, whoever cares the least wins! Not that I necessarily like it, but I made the choice long ago that I'm not going to be the guy that gets used and abused. I'm going to be the guy that uses! Well it worked for me I'm cool. But when I look around at all the emotionally hurting, xanax out people, what they all have in common that they cared too much which put them in a position to be used and abused.
STOP CARING! Love and all that B$$ sells movie tickets and hallmark cards! It's also embarrassing, I hate hearing adults talking about how they are "looking for love." GAG! GAG PuKE PUKE! What is this high school?
This is a cry for attention from a scared, frustrated person whose entire online persona is one of false bravado, methinks.
In this day and age, it's best to USE things and have fun with them for a while then give give it away to be a liability for somebody else who does not understand quality because things today are not built to last (including people).
And this folks is why we have an "ALL ABOUT ME" world and mentality. I kind of feel sorry for you.
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That said, I will keep true to what I believe would be the right marriage for me. And, I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for it to happen.
