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Old 06-23-2010, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Texas
28,114 posts, read 23,095,531 times
Reputation: 33632
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
Sorry, consistently lying about speeding tickets or shopping sprees would need to be examined closely and could ultimately be a dealbreaker, but doesn't come close in my mind to banging the secretary.
Why not? He bangs his secretary = no respect for you, your trust, your vows, your feelings.

He lies to you about finances (which you are bound together by as partners) = no respect for you, your trust, your vows, your feelings.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,454 posts, read 55,131,753 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I am no advocate of cheating. Understand this first off.

But my question has to do with why cheating is considered the most unpardonable sin in a relationship.

When we marry, we also vow to honor, cherish, support, and respect. We vow to trust and offer back complete honesty. But people who fail to uphold those vows are not looked upon with as much disdain as those who break the vow to only have sexual relations with their spouse. Not only that, but cheating is often a concrete 'deal breaker,' while people have much more leeway with breaking the other vows.

I get that violating those first few vows often leads to cheating...or that cheating can represent the breaking of the other vows, but the breaking of any of the other vows alone is rarely enough to call off a relationship and is also rarely fodder for badmouthing the offender.

So tell me...why is sexual fidelity on the top of our list when there are so many other ways to betray a person and their trust?
Because sex with someone else is the most INTIMATE and personal way to betray your partner, plain and simple. This is in a category all by itself.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:18 AM
 
Location: Albuquerque
256 posts, read 235,642 times
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If my partner beats me or emotionally abuses me, that is also a dealbreaker. But some things, like not managing money well or being somewhat irresponsible, can be more of a character flaw than anything, and certainly if you would leave someone for a character flaw you already knew was there, you shouldn't have married them in the first place.
Cheating is not a character flaw or a simple mistake. It is a conscious decision that someone makes with blatant disregard for anyone's feelings but their own.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:20 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 2,829,292 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Why not? He bangs his secretary = no respect for you, your trust, your vows, your feelings.

He lies to you about finances (which you are bound together by as partners) = no respect for you, your trust, your vows, your feelings.
Yes in that sense they equate, but financial or other lies are not a reflection on me, but a weakness in them.

Cheating, like max's mama said is personally hurtful. The thought that he could share the same intimacy with someone else, that I may not be good enough for him, etc. It involves feelings and emotion, whereas the others do not.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:20 AM
 
4,102 posts, read 7,573,992 times
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I believe the sexual relationship of a couple is an extremely intimate expression of love and the betrayal of trust when someone cheats is devastating in that it becomes meaningless act.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:21 AM
 
8,424 posts, read 23,911,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Maybe an example to clear up what I'm really asking...this is from real life...identities have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. I am not advocating or in favor of either position in this relationship. Clearly, mistakes were made by both people. But one person is the a-hole and the other becomes the poor victim:

Spouse A marries Spouse B. B refuses to help A around the house even though A has to work 80 hours a week. B refuses to take responsibility for money matters and is in fact wasteful and delinquent with credit and bills. While B is a very nice, sweet person, B cannot be counted on to watch the children (the kids get hurt, accidents are more likely) or even remember to close the garage door when leaving the house. When A brings this up, B belittles A for being so 'wound up' or type 'A.' B does not back up A in public. B shows no ambition and ridicules A for A's ambition and work ethic. A starts to feel very resentful about B's lack of respect and personal responsibility. A winds up meeting someone else (C) and breaking up with B to be with with C.

Now A is a cheating a-hole and C is a homewrecker and B is just a poor, poor mistreated victim who 'never saw this coming.'

While A did not necessarily act appropriately, we rarely if ever vilify the person who is B.

Why does B get a free pass?
No free pass in my book. They all had a note in playing the funeral dirge of that household. But why did A not see that B was a lazy slob before getting hitched. I personally would not of needed C. Any time a relationship got like that I knew the nice thing a B was doing was all show and not real. Which always made me anti-relationship for a period. LOL

If I said something to each:

A: Well what did you think would happen? Not that cheating is alright but thats what unhappy people can tend to do. You carry on like that with people you are going to end that relationship one way or another.

B: Leave first and get yourself together before anything to do with C. You need to get to know you right now. NOT dive right into another relationship. If you knew yourself a little better this whole situation may of been avoided.

C: Now you know better and that is a skanky thing to do no matter what personal justifiable reasons you dig up. If you are a real friend and DO love B, then you won't bring them more drama and BS to deal with. You be nice and you wait. Don't be acting like a Jerry Springer guest.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Texas
28,114 posts, read 23,095,531 times
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Ahhhh...I think that some of the recent posts brings up another point...people who are cheated on somehow think it's all about them. When it isn't necessarily about them at all.

Again, I am not an advocate of cheating. It's wrong. You made a deal here. And it is a very intimate expression of your love.

But maybe we all need to have higher standards for poor behavior in other aspects of our relationships...?
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Texas
28,114 posts, read 23,095,531 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
Yes in that sense they equate, but financial or other lies are not a reflection on me, but a weakness in them.

Cheating, like max's mama said is personally hurtful. The thought that he could share the same intimacy with someone else, that I may not be good enough for him, etc. It involves feelings and emotion, whereas the others do not.
Cheating on you isn't necessarily a reflection on you, either.

What about sharing other emotionally intimate things with other people...? Does that then constitute cheating and is unforgivable? Or do genitals actually have to touch before it technically becomes cheating?

Btw, thank you all for your answers. I really enjoy this conversation!
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:29 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,849,005 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Cheating on you isn't necessarily a reflection on you, either.

What about sharing other emotionally intimate things with other people...? Does that then constitute cheating and is unforgivable? Or do genitals actually have to touch before it technically becomes cheating?

Btw, thank you all for your answers. I really enjoy this conversation!
It is also a form of cheating, but also forgivable in my eyes. A lot of times people share intimate things with others because their spouses are not listening.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:31 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,849,005 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Ahhhh...I think that some of the recent posts brings up another point...people who are cheated on somehow think it's all about them. When it isn't necessarily about them at all.

Again, I am not an advocate of cheating. It's wrong. You made a deal here. And it is a very intimate expression of your love.

But maybe we all need to have higher standards for poor behavior in other aspects of our relationships...?
It's just natural for a person who had been cheated on to react that way. "How could you do this to ME? What about ME?" It's not wrong or right, it's just a natural reaction. They can't comprehend that the person who cheated had no intentions of purposefully hurting them.
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