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Old 06-26-2010, 12:27 PM
 
49 posts, read 89,750 times
Reputation: 53

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OK, where do I begin? When I was 17 I met my first boyfriend, and we were together for almost four years (we broke up about 2 months ago). We had many issues during the relationship, because he was jealous of a guy from my past and lost all his trust in me. He even called me hurtful names and constantly broke up/made up with me. I was tired of it and I told him if he ever broke up with me again, it would be FINAL. When I told him, he promised he wouldn't do it again, that he loved me, blah blah. But not a week passed and he broke up with me. I gave him once chance to take it back, warning him it'd really be the end, but he said he was sure he could never be with a "sl*t" like me.

That was a couple of months ago. I'm not feeling any better. I'll tell you why: for these two months he'd been constantly begging me to take him back, but at the same time getting all jealous if he'd somehow know I had gone out with my girlfriends (he HATES them). It was awful for me, because he also resented me. I knew our relationship would never work, but I loved him, I still do actually, so ignored him a lot. He said it didn't seem like I loved him and played victim a lot.

Last night I went out with my friends, and he ruined my night by texting me hurtful things. Turns out he went out last night again, to a club. He hates dancing, and clubbing, etc. The thing is, today he sent me an e-mail telling me that he had finally realized he had to move on, and that he's a young professional, he can whoever he wants, blah, blah. I don't need to know he's moving on. Gee, when we broke up I begged him not to talk to me, because it was hard for me to know about either his suffering or his happiness. But he never listened to me and instead ignored all the times that I asked him to please stop contacting me.

One more thing: I have really low self esteem and body image, partly because of him. While we were together he'd comment on other women's bodies, especially the ones that didn't look like me. He'd add "hot" girls on Facebook, girls that attend the same uni that I do! I see these girls everyday, and they remind me of how I was seemingly not enough. They have big boobs and butts, and I don't.

Today when he called me I asked him if he had checked out a lot of girls last night, he said he did, and that it was great. I envy him, because as much as I try, my libido's dead and I can't check out guys, all I do when I go out is think of him! Plus that comment of his made me feel so ugly, knowing that now he's drooling over girls at clubs, presumably with larger boobs and butts.

Ugh, now I hate myself and feel so miserable, and I envy him for moving on, and I'm not! And I feel guilty, 'cause he's played victim all along, and feel like maybe I deserve all this? No matter how much I tell myself he's a jerk, it just doesn't sink in, I love him a lot! What can I do?
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:42 PM
 
90 posts, read 274,030 times
Reputation: 145
3 months in Splitsville as compared to 4 years with him: not enough time to balance out the negative experiences. Invest in your school work, aim to be academically successful (that will only propel you in your professional field), and get some work on your self-image. It is who you are and believe yourself to be that is attractive, not a physical asset. You are still seeking to 'improve' to meet his ideal of body image. And it is interesting, I'm sure, that while he ogled others, he still had you in hand. If you weren't satisfying, then it should have been hands off.

He's an immature geek who likely has reached his peak of maturity. He has proven you are out of his league (and in a league of your own). Let him go, he likely won't get any better before you find someone who appreciates your mind and body, doesn't treat you like emotional baggage to be dumped on a whim, and consistently esteems your person. And if in the slim chance he 'gets better,' you will be having a better concept of who you are and likely be in a better relationship with someone else.

Invest in supportive female friends, plunge yourself into charitable work or extra-curricular activities, and bolster your ego for the time being with self-serving activities. Enrich who you are and find the love of who you are. Those are attributes guys really gawk over. Then you'll be moved on from him.
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Metairie, La.
1,156 posts, read 1,506,899 times
Reputation: 767
Somehow or another you have to convince yourself that you're better off without him. Perhaps it's youth that's causing your feelings right now. It'll get better.

First loves are hard to get over. It's been nearly 20 years since my first girlfriend broke up with me, but in retrospect, I think only of the good times we had together as well as how we were such different people with different values that it would have been impossible for us to continue our relationship. It wasn't going anywhere and that's so evident now due in part to the many years of reflection that have transpired since 1992.

Over time your feelings for this guy will diminish to the point that it's just another memory among many. Might I suggest, for the time being, to talk it out with close friends (whom you know will not betray your confidence) and family, exercise regularly, keep busy doing things you enjoy, and for the love of god, avoid watching romantic comedy-dramas.

Try to find the source of your low self-esteem. It's likely this existed before your BF contributed to these feelings. I understand low SE; it still complicates my life at times. It's easy for me now to know the source of it, which includes a confluence of my parents' treatment of me and poor life choices on my part. Once I began doing what I wanted to do in life and not worrying about what others expected me to do, I figured out that I'm good at it and it's increased my overall happiness and sense of self-worth. Good luck.
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:52 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,879,221 times
Reputation: 23996
Great advice! There isn`t much I can add, except just stress to you, that you need to rise above this mess, because you CAN do better!!! Good luck!!!
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:53 PM
 
577 posts, read 1,531,331 times
Reputation: 445
Cut off all contact.. even if it means you have to change your phone number. You love the "idea" of him... but look at how he's treating you.... why would you want to be with someone that says those kind of things to you. It's disrespectful. There is someone out there that will treat you right... he's not it.
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Under the lovely Southern sky
389 posts, read 602,427 times
Reputation: 387
Well, I wouldn't have taken him back even once. But since you did, hears what you do:

My Mama used to tell me "Fake it 'til you Make it," & that can be really helpful (especially with guys.) If you really love an ******* like that, you obviously haven't gotten to see the world an aweful lot. So pretend you're fine with it. Tell 'im "Good. I'm glad you're slobberin' over a bunch of sluts who will never love you the way I did." Make him feel bad. What I think is that he's trying to make you feel jealous. I'll bet he ain't even lookin' @ other girls. I'll bet he feels worce than you do & he's just taking it out on you. So beat 'im @ his own game.

If you pretend to be over him, & try as hard as you can to get out there & meet nicer guys, eventually you will seriously be over him. If you could look @ it through most other women's perspective, you'd see what a huge jerk this guy is. You need to move on, no matter how hard it is. Trust me, it get's easier. But no matter what you do, don't take 'im back. That'll just tell him that he can go out & do whatever the hell he wants, because no matter what, you'll always take him back. Don't let that happen!

Jessie
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:00 PM
 
159 posts, read 348,084 times
Reputation: 168
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmine728 View Post
Cut off all contact.. even if it means you have to change your phone number. You love the "idea" of him... but look at how he's treating you.... why would you want to be with someone that says those kind of things to you. It's disrespectful. There is someone out there that will treat you right... he's not it.
Yes, cut off all contact. Block his number, get rid of any pictures you have of him, take him off your facebook page, etc. It will make things much easier. Good luck, you will start to feel better with time. Focus on you!
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,820 posts, read 8,267,472 times
Reputation: 5429
Smile The break up

It is very hard today when people are so interconnected. First of all, block his number from everything. As long as you are receiving communication from him, those negative feelings will remain. It's just like he's right there.

You will never be able to grow into the person you really will be until you just stop ALL communication. I would also try different activities for a while - don't play games even though he might be - take the higher road.

Remember, you are better than that. From your post, it sounds like he felt he could do whatever - I will tell you from my own experience, set your standards high - no one should be called names, disrespected, stuff like that.

Move on - think of something you want for yourself and think of that as the goal - for example, you are in college so think of getting a good education and really throwing yourself into university life.

There are good guys out there. Usually, they go to the girls who have a good standard for themselves.
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Columbia, SC
519 posts, read 1,815,579 times
Reputation: 615
Wow, he sounds like a real jackass. Perhaps you don't realize it, but his behavior towards you, IMHO, is bordering on emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and jealous. Putting you down obviously makes him feel better about himself and is a means to make you feel bad and make you believe that he is the best you can get. You are far better off without this loser.

Go to counseling and get help with your self esteem. I'm sure there is someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,916 posts, read 16,322,828 times
Reputation: 5441
Everyone is giving you excellent advice. You're just making your own life miserable by dwelling on this failed relationship and he's doing all he can to make it more painful for you. You need to stand up for yourself and find your way out of this mess and I completely agree that cutting off all contact with this guy who sounds like a loser to me is the first and most important step.
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