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Old 07-03-2010, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,645 posts, read 8,597,115 times
Reputation: 6230
She probably has a date tonight and is so busy getting ready for it that she's forgotten all about you. Geeesh!
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:19 AM
 
10 posts, read 16,571 times
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I have no way of knowing a physical address to send flowers etc as the family is spread all over the state plus they were at a summer home for the reunion and it is not a primary residence. The hospital was an hour or so away and the grandmothers house was in another area as well. I am not thinking she has other interests, I just got worried due to the silence from her and was looking for similar experiences during periods of grief. Thanks again for the replies. Signed still pacing the floor.
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:27 AM
 
2,133 posts, read 3,610,213 times
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Not knowing either of you, it's tough to know what to advise. Speaking from my own POV, I know that I would much prefer an actual phone call to a text. Wait until later in the day when you can be sure the services are finished, and then call her. Keep it brief unless she indicates a need to talk it out. Just let her know that you are thinking of her/concerned for her and that if there is anything she needs, to simply let you know.
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:33 AM
 
24,143 posts, read 24,513,071 times
Reputation: 31825
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perrislove View Post
Long story short I am in a long distance relationship(Together for 2 months with plans for her to move to my state in a few months. We are 40 and 33 so we are not kids) and while my girl was away at a family reunion in another state from her own her Grandmother took ill. I found out Monday night her Grandmother was being removed from life support as family was gathering at the hospital. She let me know the situation and told me "I do love you and I am sorry I can't constantly reassure you of that right now." I waited till Tuesday afternoon to send a condolences text so I would not interrupt her and her families grief process. I received a text early am Wednesday that read " She is gone, funeral is Saturday.Love You" I sent another few messages letting her know I was thinking about her and that I was sorry for her and her families loss...I did not push the "what about me factor" in my messages so I wouldn't be adding any stress. I have not gotten any other replies or texts from her and today Saturday is the funeral. I dont know the specifics of arrangements and have laid low not to make her feel any more pressure that what she is with the current situation. She is very family oriented and being this was an unexpected event I don't know how her family responds to death and their grief process. I am kind of worried I have not even had a quick "Hello" or "Love You" as up until last Monday there were constant texts and calls even during her family reunion which were a surprise to me figuring she would be busy. I am just freaked out by the silence and have refrained from texting daily other than condolences etc. and have made no calls to her phone since the death so I don't look like a psycho. I am so lost and would appreciate any advice or opinions.
Yikes. The problem here is you, not her.

1) Right now she has way more on her mind than her boyfriend.

2) A beloved family member dies and you TEXT her? What? If you can text her, then she must have a phone. You couldn't dial her and give her the comfort of your voice? I mean, short of scrawling, "I'm sorry about your granny. What time should I pick you up Saturday night" on a Post-It, that's about the coldest way for you to express condolences ever.

3) In the age of the internet, how hard could it possibly be to find out the funeral arrangements? We have these remarkable things called newspapers that publish helpful things known as obituaries. I mean, hey, maybe you couldn't make it to the funeral itself, but was it so hard that you couldn't at least send some flowers?

4) The fact that the woman said, "I love you but I can't constantly reassure you right now," is a big, fat, hairy clue that you are smothering her. It also tells me that you're a lot more focused on yourself than you are on her. Here she is in a time of grief, and she's having to prop up her boyfriend's fragile self-esteem? My God.

In short, you pretty much were clueless throughout this episode. And, chances are, she's thinking, 'Wow. If he can't even be a comfort to me at a time like this, when else will can I count on this guy?'

So what you need to do is the following:

1) Call her. As in today. As in, "Look, I just want to know how much I'm thinking of you. I know your grandmother meant a great deal to you. That means she must have been a very special person."

2) Wait for her to return from the ordeal of a family funeral. Plan something low key for her. Buy her a session at a spa or something so she can relax.

3) Take your cues from how she responds to you.

4) Text messages are conveniences, not your primary means of communication with someone you ostensibly love. Limit it to messages such as "Hey, I'm running late," not "Oh, your grandmother died. Bummer."
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Old 07-03-2010, 07:46 AM
 
10 posts, read 16,571 times
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I do not know family details like her mothers maiden name or even if it was her mothers mother...it could be her fathers mother as they all live in the same state or the exact location where the grandmother lived to send flowers etc. And after realizing the scope of the issue I DID NOT want her phone to be ringing at a bad time, such as at her grandmothers bedside, at the funeral home, while they were possibly going through her earthly belongings, at a family dinner or during the wake. I don't know the details other than the funeral was today so I did the respectful thing and sent condolences and short messages such as: I'm sure things are busy there, I was just thinking about you. I love you. Please pass along my sympathy to your family, I know this will be a busy time for you...With all of my love and other short notes like that.
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:10 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
20,521 posts, read 22,551,554 times
Reputation: 21388
I think you should stop fussing already. Different people react differently to a loved one's passing. The realization hits some people immediately and for others it can take days and sometimes as long as months. You've expressed your condolences so leave well alone now and let her deal with what she has to deal with. 40 years old? Behave like it!
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:23 AM
 
10 posts, read 16,571 times
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Again thanks for all the replies... I understand that I am letting my mind race and putting the cart before the horse(anxiety). I only posted to get out of my head for a while and settle my mind.
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,511 posts, read 11,170,763 times
Reputation: 9077
I agree with JustJulia. Send some flowers and don't be tempted to make this about you. Leave her a voice message saying you're thinking about her and her family. I go in the backway for voicemails if I don't want the person to answer and leave a messge that way. That way if they don't want to answer they won't feel compelled to.
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:38 AM
 
10 posts, read 16,571 times
Reputation: 18
Well as said with no verifiable address no flowers are possible until they are back home in their own state which could be a few days to a week or more depending on issues needing to be resolved where they are at the moment. I do not know how to just leave a voice message without making the phone ring to be honest. I figured since today is the funeral just to leave her alone not knowing the time, and with family and guests visiting and them possibly have a dinner afterwards I can't guess on an appropriate time to call or contact her.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:29 AM
 
24,143 posts, read 24,513,071 times
Reputation: 31825
Well, my reply to that is, if you don't the grandmother's or mother's name, city, or anything else for that matter, how could you possibly love this woman? If you don't even know where your girlfriend has gone, that's a remarkable lack of curiosity on your part. People in love typically like to learn lots of things about the people they're in love with. But you know squat, so you're left at home dithering on why she hasn't responded to your umpteen text messages. In other words, I think you don't have a very accurate definition on what a healthy relationship should be.
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