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Old 07-03-2010, 05:44 AM
 
10 posts, read 33,562 times
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Long story short I am in a long distance relationship(Together for 2 months with plans for her to move to my state in a few months. We are 40 and 33 so we are not kids) and while my girl was away at a family reunion in another state from her own her Grandmother took ill. I found out Monday night her Grandmother was being removed from life support as family was gathering at the hospital. She let me know the situation and told me "I do love you and I am sorry I can't constantly reassure you of that right now." I waited till Tuesday afternoon to send a condolences text so I would not interrupt her and her families grief process. I received a text early am Wednesday that read " She is gone, funeral is Saturday.Love You" I sent another few messages letting her know I was thinking about her and that I was sorry for her and her families loss...I did not push the "what about me factor" in my messages so I wouldn't be adding any stress. I have not gotten any other replies or texts from her and today Saturday is the funeral. I dont know the specifics of arrangements and have laid low not to make her feel any more pressure that what she is with the current situation. She is very family oriented and being this was an unexpected event I don't know how her family responds to death and their grief process. I am kind of worried I have not even had a quick "Hello" or "Love You" as up until last Monday there were constant texts and calls even during her family reunion which were a surprise to me figuring she would be busy. I am just freaked out by the silence and have refrained from texting daily other than condolences etc. and have made no calls to her phone since the death so I don't look like a psycho. I am so lost and would appreciate any advice or opinions.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:04 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 32,014,229 times
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I think she is just very busy with her family right now. I don't think that calling her makes you a psycho, but if she really said, "I do love you and I am sorry I can't constantly reassure you of that right now" (especially the "constantly reassure you" part), then she might be feeling crowded by you. That might be due to grief and stress or that after two months your relationship is moving this quickly. You have sent her a few texts and today is the funeral. You might call her tomorrow, but if she doesn't answer, just leave her a message and let her be for now.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:20 AM
 
201 posts, read 498,835 times
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I understand your apprehension, you're probably thinking, "she is hurting and i can help her and support her so why isnt she asking me to do so?" You said you have only been with her for 2 months, which is still early to know or not know someone's way of taking pain. when some people are in pain they open up and others shut down until they are ready to come out again. making the situation long distance doesnt help either. i am sure too youre thinking of long term stuff and are hoping she still wants to move in together. i dont think you have anything to worry about. depending on the members of the family a death can be a very hard thing to go through and other times it does not phase us. depends how close she was to her grandmother. try to be supportive but thats all. and remember people have all different divisions of their lives. she has/had her grandmother and she has you. if you only have her youre setting yourself up for a problem... best of luck.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:26 AM
 
10 posts, read 33,562 times
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Thanks... Well I let her set the pace in the first place as she knows I have had a very rocky past with women... one with mental issues(my kids mother) and another that was an alcoholic. She knew right from the start that I stayed single for over 7 years because of being gun shy of being hurt again. She is the same about reassurance at times...I went fishing a few weeks back and was letting her sleep in and she called concerned she hadnt heard from me as usual in the morning. It was only about two hours later than normal and we were running 20 miles in the boat so wind noise would have disrupted the call. When she reached me she was worried I had lost interest etc. I guess I need to add that her reunion ended Sunday night and she had left a message very early Am that day she would text me later that night. I never got anything(so I expect this is when the grandmothers health declined severely) and then finally heard something Monday afternoon. When she replied with the reassurance part in was in a message that outlined what was going on: "We are at the hospital waiting for family to arrive so the doctors can remove Gma from life support. I do love you. I am sorry I cant constantly reassure you right now. I got this in response to atext from earlier in the afternoon that I had sent asking if everything was ok there since I had not heard from her. So I was not included in the loop that things had gone so badly right off the bat. I do understand the stressful event and she needed to be there for family and strength from them as well. I know the last I heard was "Love You" but I am still worried due to the silence as she not long ago during a talk confided that if I were to just stop calling that she would be devastated and I agreed that it would be the same for me. But with an event such as a family death I want to respect her silence as part of her families grief process. She has a large family and I imagine they stayed quite busy between the hospital, her grandmothers home, their home there where they resided for the reunion and the usual ins and out of relatives from out of town and friends of the grandmother in and out as well. Trust me she knows how hard it was for me to open up to the idea of love and a relationship and I again let her set the pace.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:34 AM
 
Location: Middle America
32,565 posts, read 33,667,129 times
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Unexpected death of a family member is a VERY consuming thing, particularly in a family that's very close. Her attention is likely totally focused on her family, now, so I wouldn't take offense.

My relationship started out long-distance, and we talked REALLY early on (almost immediately) about our plans to move in together, so I have experience with that (I was thirty at the time, too, and serious about my relationship, not a kid). We ended up moving in after having been doing the long-distance thing about four months, only because it took that long to get my employment secured, my job resigned from, and moved the 500 miles.

The thing with LDRs is that while you're living apart, you correspond, but you do remain pretty independent and self-sufficient, so it may not be occuring to her that, in a situation where you were both getting daily face-to-face contact, like in a non-LDR, it would be pretty typical for an SO to be onhand to be supportive during a family death/grieving time. She's probably used to you not being physically there, so she's going on autopilot, and not likely thinking about how you might like to be there for her.

I would check in with her after the funeral and see how she's doing. I would refrain from making it in any way about you.

If she wants to be with you, the loss of a family member isn't going to change that. It's just going to take up a lot of her emotional energy for a while. My own grandmother died shortly after I relocated to be with my LDR SO...not a surprise, Alzheimer's and about a decade coming, but still a tough thing. I went back home for the funeral without my SO, because he couldn't get the time off work since his work's bereavement leave policy only applies to spouse's relatives and not girlfriends'. I was very busy and very occupied with what was going on while I was with my family. But I was surely glad to hear from him and know that he was thinking of me and my family even though he couldn't be there. I wouldn't have taken kindly to having to devote emotional energy I didn't have to reassuring him about the status of our relationship, though. You can't take it personally in a crisis situation that somebody's emotional energies are, quite frankly, directed completely elsewhere. It sounds like you both may have some insecurities (not uncommon in a young relationship and one that's long-distance, not to mention past relationship baggage), but you really do have to set those insecurities aside and call time out on them when there's a death in the family. Nothing right now is about you or your relationship.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:36 AM
 
10 posts, read 33,562 times
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Again thanks for the replies... I do have family etc. but have not had a death in the family for 29 years so those situations are no longer fresh in my mind. My father was buried 29 years ago yesterday. I feel selfish for panicking at this point(I have lost a few pounds since Tuesday from making myself sick over this with lack of sleep and being unable to eat much or hold it down when I do) as all I have to rely on at the moment is her past words during talks and texts and they should suffice... but at times the evil sneaks in my head and gnaws away at me saying "this is it, you wont hear from her again" and other things like that. Crazy part is it's like I am grieving the loss of her already when I know nothing to begin with. We agreed from the beginning for a slow pace and her coming here was for a visit to get to know the area and make some plans from there. Not an immediate "moving in together" situation.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:40 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 32,014,229 times
Reputation: 42165
It's possible that she has misplaced her phone or charger, and her phone has no power.

Are you able to send flowers? It might be too late to get them to the funeral home, but if you know where she is staying you could send an appropriate bouquet to her or her family. (By appropriate, I mean something like while lilies, not red roses.)
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Middle America
32,565 posts, read 33,667,129 times
Reputation: 41417
Yeah, I'd just calm down for now. Find something you enjoy doing to distract yourself/keep busy, and remind yourself, "This isn't about me."
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:49 AM
 
13,773 posts, read 31,150,408 times
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I agree with JJ.. send a nice appropriate bouquet of flowers with condolence message to where she is staying. She will know you are thinking of her and are there for her when/if she needs you.
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:53 AM
 
47,578 posts, read 54,207,410 times
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A text like "Is there anything I can do?" or letting her know you're sending your sympathy and thinking of her, or wishing her well getting through this time of grief wouldn't hurt and wouldn't be stalking.
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