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Old 07-08-2010, 10:27 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,510,496 times
Reputation: 9973
And no, I don't do the "other woman" thing. If other people want to do that, so be it. But that's not me.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,310 posts, read 19,785,507 times
Reputation: 6602
"Married, seeking discreet relationship"
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:31 AM
 
7,278 posts, read 7,687,907 times
Reputation: 5947
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I am thinking I will write him something along the lines of: Its a shame your personal life is complicated as I have enjoyed our email exchanges. However, I am looking to meet someone whose personal situation is settled without complications. Best of luck, feel free to get in touch if your situation changes and settles.

Thoughts?
I think this is the best way to handle it. He may not be living with her. Maybe they're in the middle of a divorce and it's taking longer than expected. Who knows? The point here is that he needs to earn your trust. From his perspective, he probably thinks you haven't earned the right to know the full story yet. But he has to know how others will view his situation. He wants people to believe him. But in order for others to give him the benefit of the doubt, he has to be willing to trust them. That's only fair. Otherwise, things will feel lopsided.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:11 AM
 
8,681 posts, read 6,883,403 times
Reputation: 14867
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
My question is for women, particularly aged 35+. (Although if any men feel they have a useful translation, I'd like to hear it.)

I've dipped my toe back into online dating, an easy free profile site. As most peole know, you have a lot of random conversations with people that don't go anywhere.

As of about a week ago I have been speaking with someone with whom I have had a pretty great conversation so far. Each message is about 5 paragraphs long, and I have enjoy talking with him. As it turns out we are incredibly compatible (in print anyway), far more so than other people I've talked to.

Since people aren't necessarily accurate in their profile, I realized I should confirm the basics. I asked a simple straightforward-but-casual question at the end of my last message: Even been married, have children (etc.. you know, the usual questions!)

Here is his response:
I have been legally married but it's complicated. I am both physically and emotionally separate from my ex and that is how it is going to stay. I am not secretive about it with people I trust, but I prefer not to discuss it in writing and I only explain it if asked. How about you?

I read this to mean that he is still married but separated, and that there is something unusual and off putting going on. (The message went on and was interesting, discussions about other things.)

My first thought was to say thanks but no thanks and move on. I don't want to be a married-but-legitimately separated man's security blankie... been there, done that, and the end was so abrupt and emotionally draining I found it brutal.

But then again, I don't want to be too hasty. I guess I am opening this up to the floor to ensure I am not missing something, some sort of legit explanation. I read his message as saying he only wants to explain it if we progress far enough that we actually start going out. But my feeling is, I don't want to waste my time or get emotionally invested in something that my instinct tells me is a losing situation.

So? Would you cut your losses and move on? Do you have a brilliant way of responding to get him to clarify? Would you just ignore it for now?
You and I don't always agree, but I will say that not only is one's first reaction usually the correct one, you, in particular, are too smart for this.

When I was separated, my profile said "separated." When I was divorced, my profile said "divorced." Anything else is not being entirely honest and forthcoming, and that is no way to start off a relationship.

When presented with stuff like this--and sometimes I didn't find out until after we'd met in person--I just said, "I understand complications and can appreciate what you must be going through, but I took the steps necessary to end my marriage entirely and would prefer to date only people who can say they have done the same."

It was a mix of diplomatic lip service and a subtle way of letting him know I didn't appreciate the way he skittered around the truth. (Probably too subtle, but that "can" implies "truthfully able to"--something this guy is not.)

And then I moved on.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:20 PM
 
471 posts, read 555,994 times
Reputation: 468
when I was married and seperated I refused to date people as it just looks shady. I'd say stay away until he's committed to himself and out of the other relationship completely.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:21 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,510,496 times
Reputation: 9973
OK, a sincere thank you to everyone who has posted. That sentence was in the middle of a six paragraph message, and it immediately jumped out at me and smacked me on the back of the head. I think I just wanted some validation that I am not being too rash.

Anyway it's done, I've messaged back essentially what I said in message #10. If I should so happen to get an interesting response, I just might post it! But I'm not holding my breath. I figure he will move on to the next woman who will take the fact that the "single" box is checked off as fact. Wish my instincts were wrong on this but oh well!

I think I shall go back and re-read our conversations, try to figure out what triggered me to ask about his personal status in the first place. Obviously something made me think: straight up ask him about his basic stats. Next time I'd like to simply move on.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,035 posts, read 2,244,060 times
Reputation: 1280
I think you made the right move. Twice on online personals I met men who were not yet divorced and were just barely separated. They were wanting to move on, to forget the pain of the past, but the problem was that my heart was on the line and that wasn't cool. I dated the first guy for a few months and ended the relationship due to a multitude of reasons. The second one I dated a few months until he found someone he was more interested in and then I got the boot. A month or so later, his divorce was final and about 6 months later, he married again. I said I'd never date "separated" men again, and I never did.

Best of luck. I'd be really interested to see if he writes a response. Please share.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,852 posts, read 50,932,669 times
Reputation: 22711
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I think I shall go back and re-read our conversations, try to figure out what triggered me to ask about his personal status in the first place. Obviously something made me think: straight up ask him about his basic stats. Next time I'd like to simply move on.
Makes sense. If you take something at face value at first, you're not inclined to ask about it later. There must've been some trigger.

I've seen other adds with such "complicated" situations... There's really nothing complicated about them - he's separated in his mind; only that his wife is not aware of it! Truth be told, during this housing crisis and with the high unemployment rates there are many couples who are really forced to live under the same roof for a long time and may really have every intention to divorce (I know of a situation that's been dragged for almost 5 years and divorce has not even been filed yet! there are other factors involved, though), but even if that's the case, who wants to be in the middle of such a mess?!
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Valparaiso, IN
33,458 posts, read 5,873,436 times
Reputation: 73844
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
My question is for women, particularly aged 35+. (Although if any men feel they have a useful translation, I'd like to hear it.)

I've dipped my toe back into online dating, an easy free profile site. As most peole know, you have a lot of random conversations with people that don't go anywhere.

As of about a week ago I have been speaking with someone with whom I have had a pretty great conversation so far. Each message is about 5 paragraphs long, and I have enjoy talking with him. As it turns out we are incredibly compatible (in print anyway), far more so than other people I've talked to.

Since people aren't necessarily accurate in their profile, I realized I should confirm the basics. I asked a simple straightforward-but-casual question at the end of my last message: Even been married, have children (etc.. you know, the usual questions!)

Here is his response:
I have been legally married but it's complicated. I am both physically and emotionally separate from my ex and that is how it is going to stay. I am not secretive about it with people I trust, but I prefer not to discuss it in writing and I only explain it if asked. How about you?

I read this to mean that he is still married but separated, and that there is something unusual and off putting going on. (The message went on and was interesting, discussions about other things.)

My first thought was to say thanks but no thanks and move on. I don't want to be a married-but-legitimately separated man's security blankie... been there, done that, and the end was so abrupt and emotionally draining I found it brutal.

But then again, I don't want to be too hasty. I guess I am opening this up to the floor to ensure I am not missing something, some sort of legit explanation. I read his message as saying he only wants to explain it if we progress far enough that we actually start going out. But my feeling is, I don't want to waste my time or get emotionally invested in something that my instinct tells me is a losing situation.

So? Would you cut your losses and move on? Do you have a brilliant way of responding to get him to clarify? Would you just ignore it for now?
Been there; done that. You will only end up hurt. He may be miserable in his marriage, but he IS married.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:45 PM
 
2,015 posts, read 1,678,505 times
Reputation: 2122
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Here is his response:
I have been legally married but it's complicated. I am both physically and emotionally separate from my ex and that is how it is going to stay. I am not secretive about it with people I trust, but I prefer not to discuss it in writing and I only explain it if asked. How about you?
This is not how divorced or even truly separated people would respond, so me thinks he's still attached to the ex somehow. I wouldn't be surprised if they are even staying together in the same household.

I really don't know how you feel about yourself, but personally at 33 I feel like I have wasted enough time with lots of useless people already so I would have wasted no time with this one.
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