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Old 07-17-2010, 08:27 AM
23,410 posts, read 29,960,963 times
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Originally Posted by JSizzle225 View Post
Exactly. It's a lot of hard work and that is what turns people off. But I'm searching for somebody to get old with and share our lives. I'm perfectly self sufficient by myself...I don't need a roomate our maid or anything like that. I actually like the fact that I could lose "half my stuff." More incentive to try harder.
Yeah...you put that well. I feel the same way.
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Old 07-17-2010, 04:20 PM
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 4,101,930 times
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Originally Posted by ashcody View Post
I recently did a paper on Cohabitation in today's society---I've been living with my boyfriend for 5 yrs. and at first my family were not too keen on the idea. I was just wondering how people felt today, if it's okay in their minds or if it's "living in sin"? I'm not very religious obviously but my family is....they got over it eventually! What's YOUR opinion?

I believe it is a sin
Just like I believe having sex outside of marriage is a sin
and yet I do them things
too many people like me dont respect what marriage is
I just wont have sex with a married man
I wish I was faithful and able to save myself for marriage
But no
I enjoy sex too much
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Old 07-17-2010, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I lived with my how husband for 21 years before we got married and to be honest being married hasn't made the blindest bit of difference to us. We realised we were in a very committed relationship within a couple of months of dating ( when we moved in together).

I see absolutely nothing wrong with cohabiting, and being Atheist , "living in sin" means nothing to me. I believe what matters is love and commitment and that has little to do with marriage. Getting married is easy but staying in a relationship ( marriage or cohabitation) is the hard part and requires a lot of love,effort and commitment.

I always resented the people who somehow considered us less committed and serious than people who got married after a few months together and then got divorced a year or two later...

If you love someone you want to spend your live with them, whether it is within marriage or not really is up to the individual. There should be no moral value assigned to marriage versus cohabitation.

A relationship is about a lot more than a piece of paper which at the end of the day is nothing more than a socio cultural construct and has little to do with love and commitment.
I totally agree with you, my other half and I have live together for 6 yrs now and we live as though we are married, we have both been married once prior and love each other to death but are in no rush to get that piece of paper, we will eventually but life is good and why fix something that isnt broken
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Old 07-17-2010, 06:49 PM
Location: Middle of the ocean
24,540 posts, read 15,832,342 times
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I cohabitated for 8 years before marriage - so obviously I have no problem with it.

I think the OP is young, self-aware and pretty wise not to rush into marriage. I think if more people did this, the divorce rates wouldn't be as high.

That said, while my husband and I were quite committed during our 8 years, shared finances, totally committed, all the things married couples do.... marriage did change things for me. I can't tell you what specifically, it was something subtle and indefinable, but very, very profound.

But that didn't discount our previous 8 years together, or mean that we should have been married sooner.
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Old 07-17-2010, 09:13 PM
Location: Wildside of Oahu
1,411 posts, read 2,591,249 times
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I don't consider living together sinnful, but as with gays seeking to marry, there are certain legal safegaurds and benefits to that "piece of paper". Especially if you have children or make any major purchases together.
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Old 07-17-2010, 09:20 PM
Location: So Cal
37,795 posts, read 36,263,806 times
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I don't want to sound all kumbaya, but life is so short, why can't we all just get along.

Gays want to marry.....

Interracial stuff...

Let's just be like the Nike ads.

Do it.

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Old 07-17-2010, 09:38 PM
Location: Northern California
970 posts, read 1,671,648 times
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I like the idea of cohabitation (and that is what I am currently doing, although I am now engaged). We are going into the marriage knowing that neither of us have personal habits or cleanliness issues that the other one can't stand, we can manage money well together, and if we do have any issues they will be easy to work through. I don't think it is necessary to live together before getting married; it just happened to be the right choice for us.
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Old 07-17-2010, 10:23 PM
Location: Hawaii
1,589 posts, read 2,185,725 times
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When friends asked us why we weren't living together before marriage (yes, I was asked that all the time!) I liked to tell them that I didn't believe in cooking before marriage. Hee, hee.

During our courtship we had plenty of time to observe each others housekeeping standards and we had a pretty good idea of how we each handled money. After we were engaged, he let me look at his tax returns and also his divorce documents (for the record, he volunteered, I didn't ask nor require it of him).

I was nervous about remarrying. Very. We did not do premarital counseling but I did buy a book titled "100 Questions to Ask Before You Marry" (or something like that) and we went though it question by question. It was pretty fun to do that, actually, and it brought up a lot of discussions we might not have had otherwise. I would encourage others to do it, even if you are just moving in together.

Despite all my precautions, I cannot tell a lie... there have been a few surprises. I didn't know until after we married what a freak he is about monitoring expiration dates on food. And while we were dating he made a point to not use foul language around me. Well let me tell you, after the vows were exchanged, it was like a switch was flipped and he stopped holding back... he swears a lot!

But overall, I think we covered all the important stuff while dating. We knew that we shared the same values, had similar lifestyles, and similar goals in life. We could talk to each other about difficult subjects even when we disagree.

I'm glad we didn't live together first because there's something really sweet about being newlyweds and learning how to be a husband and wife to each other. Maybe I'm just an old romantic.

Your mileage may vary.

Last edited by boodhabunny; 07-17-2010 at 10:33 PM..
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Old 07-17-2010, 11:56 PM
Location: Duluth, Minnesota, USA
7,653 posts, read 14,280,429 times
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Yes, I do believe it to be a sin (as I do pre-marital sex). In fact, it is a sin precisely because it leads to fornication. It is difficult for two people enamored of each other to remain chaste at a distance; how much harder could it be when they share room and board?

Interestingly, some studies have shown a higher divorce rate in couples who cohabitated before marriage than those who did not.
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Old 07-18-2010, 08:02 AM
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,072,285 times
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Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I know some people live together very happily, and I am not knocking those relationships at all. A good friend of mine has lived with her man for about 15 years--both of us refer to him as her husband. I didn't even know for the first three years I knew her that they weren't married. I am a very firm believer in commitment and taking care of our mates till death do us part. Whether or not somebody has the piece of paper or ring, I don't care. The long-term commitment is what matters to me, and as you acknowledge below, that's pretty much all that the ceremony is anyway ... announcing out loud that you are mated.

I agree that the staying is difficult, and I agree that the love and commitment are what matters. I don't understand why people who love and are committed to one another don't get married, but I realize that it's a personal choice.

Likewise, I resent being told that my marriage is on par with Britney's 48-hour fling, or that my commitment is simply a piece of paper. I also believe, as I said above, that if cohabiting people portray themselves as married, they should accept the stigma of divorce should they break up, which they often do. Cohabiters aren't more committed than married people. There are just as many frivolous, capricious, uncommitted people living together--their breakups are just not recorded with divorce certificates.

I am not trying to knock marriage but I honestly feel that marriage is not superior as a relationship to cohabitation. What really brings meaning to a relationship is how deeply committed you are to it, how mature and serious and how strong the bond and the love. There are people who are uncommitted and faithless in both cohabitation and marriage. I don't thing marriage means any more commitment at all. All it brings is a legal status to it.

To be honest most couples I know get married because society has deemed it superior and more worthy and thus does not give cohabitation the same legal rights. I was not entitled to my now husband's pension and other associated benefits until we got married last year. 21 years together, having gone through a loving, stable and long term relationship but people who got married after 2 weeks had more legal rights than us.

That to me is utterly ludicrous. Insulting , deameaning and quite frankly unjust. One is forced to get married simply to be recognised by society as being worthy and somehow serious....

Of course a lot of cohabitating people have no sense of commitment... Then again so do a lot of married people. One only has to look at the number of people who cite cheating as a reason for divorce or people who are swinging to see a mutually exclusive relationship seems an unlikely proposition for many people. Married or not.

I have been married for 9 months and can genuinely say I feel no different at all. The difference is that if Hubby died tommorrow I am now allowed to have a say in his funeral, entitled to the pension he has paid towards all his working life and that some people now think we actually "mean" it when we say we love each other.

Most couple I know have cohabited for years and years and usually marriage comes when kids arrive ( legal aspect again and social norms becoming even more of a pressure) or because they feel they have no rights.

I fell in love with a man , we moved in together 2 months after we met, and were for all intents and purposes married.

To address one of your previous posts, yes had we split it would to me have been the equivalent of divorce because in my heart I was married. And I would have accepted the "stigma" of divorce as I would have felt as bereft as any divorcee.

I wish society would encourage stable long term relationships and leave the emphasis of marriage to the side. To me marriage contract is in essence a private contract one makes with the other , having society's blessing really adds nothing of value. To me anyway.

I would not have felt any less pain had Hubby died when we were still cohabiting, not been any the less broken had he cheated on me. The emotions would be exactly the same. Love at the end of the day is the proof of the relationship pudding.

Commitment comes from the heart not from a Justice of the Peace or Pastor.

Marriage is a social construct . Relationships can flourish and flounder within both marriage and cohabitation. Neither is superior and nobody should be coerced into marriage by legal disparities and injustices and social expectations.

If someone's relationship is not solid enough without that piece of paper it will not be solid enoguh with it. Marriage does not make love stronger, commitment more true. It is simply a symbol. One which can easily be dissolved. Vows can easily be broken . And often are.

Human beings are not made better by a little piece of paper and their love more valid. You are either committed or not. With or without marriage.

No judgement of value should be put on cohabitation. I have nothing against marriage, and certainly do not knock the institution but I wish our society was a little more enlightened than to think marriage superior in any way,because it is not.

Talking of stigma , cohabiting couples still suffer quite a lot of social criticism ( spoken or unspoken) simply because they do not conform. The stigma attached to having kids outside of wedlock has for example greatly diminished but does still exist. Why ?

I know many loving and very happy, stable couples , unmarried with very happy, stable kids. Why should they have to get married to have rights ?

Hubby and I resisted marriage for so long in part because it was expected of us. The "natural" step for "normal" people. If you love someone then surely you must want to marry them. Neither of us were that keen on marriage.

We did it because I am disabled and unable to work and Hubby felt it would make me financially more secure ( not a very romantic reason.... ) and decided to give in , have a nice party with friends and spend a little more on our usual vacation ( Honeymoon).

In a way I feel slightly demeaned by society's insistence on marriage for our relationship to be deemed worthy. Hubby paid his pension dues he should be able to decide who they go to if he dies. Married or not. Period.

I don't wake up in the morning, thinking he loves me more because he married me. I knew he loved me way, way before that. When you fall potentially terminally ill within a few months of meeting someone and he stays with you , nurturing you with love,attention and care you know he loves you and a ring and a marriage certificate becomes rather obsolete... When you meet you soulmate and finds someone you really want to grow old with and are happy to settle down with, warts and all you know that commitment is already part of your relationship...

Cohabitation still gets a bad name, because yes many relationships do flounder rapidly. But then so do marriages.

Both can be wonderful rewarding and absolutely blissful , but I refuse to believe that one is superior to the other. People are what make relationships work. Legal papers do not make a blind bit of difference. If you were not meant to be together all the lovely certificates in the world will not help to consolidate a crumbling house of cards.

I love being married as I loved cohabiting. Because what I truly love at the end of the day is me and him together, working as a team for our future, having a laugh together, taking on all the challenges that life throws at us, the tears, the illness and the great joys. Together is what it is about. Without him I would be a vessel lost at sea among life's storms. He is the man I love not because he is my husband but because of who he is. He feels the same. If anything I think he needed to be married more than I did , as he is a little more traditional than I am.

United not because of our legal status but because of who we are. Being married to me was just jumping through a legal hoop to satisfy some well thinking people who make the rules.
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