When You're Too Afraid To Say What You Think (dating, wife, men)
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Great post, as always. Though I admit, I have used the "you need to", "you should" with the best of intentions. "You need to kick that man/woman to the curb." when it is clear it isn't right. "You should talk to an attorney and see what your options are." when someone is not sure what to do to get out of a potentially harmful situation It's more for their sake, not necessarily to judge or talk down to them. Tough love is pretty much on target as well.
I have been in those situations with partners and friends. It is unnerving to have to take in the negativity, not be able to stop it or have any effect unless you completely walk away. You want to work it out and talk through it, but he/she is too emotionally immature/narcissistic to see beyond themselves or completely incapable of reason. How dare you call them a liar when they lied, out of line when they were out of line or abusive when they have abused? Da noive, I tell ya.
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Originally Posted by Avienne
^^^ This. Absolutely. Wayyyy too many people are more interested in passing judgment and issuing commands than actually helping the other person solve a problem. Helping someone solve a problem requires a sincere effort at listening objectively, and in the age of instant messaging, it's dang near a lost art.
Phrases to avoid:
You need to...
You should...
You have to...
Or any kind of imperative or order--do this, do that.
Phrases to use:
I've found that...
Yes, that would annoy me, too. Do you have any idea [why this is so]?
That happened to me. I tried...
Have you thought about...
In your situation I might...
What do you feel you should do? (My favorite is, "What is your gut telling you?")
If you can validate what the person is saying through active listening, first, even better. "Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. You're saying that [give back what the person has said]..." or "You seem to feel annoyed. Is it because...?"
Then identify with the person, say something that lets the person know you're on his or her side, and then couch your suggestion either in terms of what worked for you or in terms that get the person to think about it enough to come up with his or her own answer.
Works for me with pretty much all of my "real-life" relationships, and it's very effective in a professional setting. I try to avoid hitting people over the head with a cast-iron skillet unless they're being obstinate or have been complaining about the same thing for a while without taking any steps at all to correct their problem. Then they get the "tough love."
As for me, personally, my guy and I share enough brainwaves that neither one of us feels any hesitance in saying, "Hey, dingbat, just do it." The other one will say, "Thanks, jerk. I will." But that's us: Thick skins.
Have any of you ever been in a situation like this where you or your partner felt like they couldn't be completely candid with the other? Were you you able to resolve and, if so, how? I've always thought that one of the best things about being in a relationship is having another person there to tell you when you're doing something wrong or heading down the wrong path. But it only works if you're willing to listen to them. Who wants to be with a yes-person?
I was in this situation with my ex. I had to be very careful what and how I said everything. If it was in anyway negative, he would get upset and defensive. Every conversation had to be about how handsome, smart and all around awsome he was. Couldnt even discuss issues in our marriage. Needless to say we were not able to resolve this communication problem.
Fortunately, my bf and I dont have this problem. We are able to say anything that is on our mind without the other taking offense. Neither always takes advice given, but we both listen to each other.
No one should be a yes person, whether they want to be, or not. It is never better to take the easy road -- the hard times will just be that much harder, down the road. We owe it to be honest and sincere with one another, if we respect the relationship and want it to last.
HOWEVER, there is more than one way to say anything, and my experience is that it is more often my poor delivery of the message, and not the message, that gets me in trouble.
In your examples:
1. If a woman asks if she's fat, there's another response besides "no" or "yes." I would wonder why she's asking? Is she feeling insecure? What's behind the question? Responding with these questions opens the door to some real, open, intimate conversations that should take place between two people that care about one another.
2. As for the husband who agrees with the boss, not knowing the point of conflict, my guess at a reply would be a sincere inquiry as to what would my partner do in the bosses' situation. Follow that line of conversation for awhile, and get the partner to thinking outside her own perspective. My experience is that most people get entrenched in their own view, but if gently questioned about the other viewpoint, they open up as they discuss it rationally.
3. It's always delicate to talk to someone about their choices in life. If your friend prepares the meals, she might start working more healthy options into the menu, and enjoy them herself. I did this with my DH decades ago, and he's actually cooking healthy meals for himself, now. Of course, he still eats some of those killer foods, but he's a free person and gets to make that choice. All change is incremental.
So, I guess the short answer is -- honesty is the only policy, not just the best one.
I have been in those situations with partners and friends. It is unnerving to have to take in the negativity, not be able to stop it or have any effect unless you completely walk away. You want to work it out and talk through it, but he/she is too emotionally immature/narcissistic to see beyond themselves or completely incapable of reason. How dare you call them a liar when they lied, out of line when they were out of line or abusive when they have abused? Da noive, I tell ya.
This is what I was getting at. The person isn't looking for you to help them. They just want to vent and expect you to agree with them because, in their mind, the spouse is always supposed to take their side. Here's a hypothetical example. Your partner starts a new job and hates it right from day one. According to her, the workload is heavy, her boss is yelling at her for not doing a good job, and on more than one occasion she's gotten into trouble for showing up late. But what's really true is that she knew the workload was going to be heavy even before she joined, the boss isn't yelling at her, but rather just telling her what she's doing wrong and what he'd like her to improve on, and he's noticed that she's been showing up late and asked her to try to be on time from now on. Notice how she had a way of embellishing to make herself seem more like a victim? And as someone who likes to play the victim, she expects you to go along with that, not remind her that she knew the workload would be heavy or point out that her boss was simply giving feedback on her job performance as well as telling her what he'd like to see her improve on. And BTW, I could've just as easily switched the genders in this example so don't take it to mean that women are the only ones who would act like this. This example is simply meant to illustrate a point, which is that some people get so caught in their victim mentality, it becomes a nightmare for their spouse to talk to them. They can't say what they really think, which is that their spouse is acting like a child. If they say it, the spouse will be offended and probably not ask if it's true. If they keep quiet, then they only encourage the behavior. So what's the spouse in that situation supposed to do?
As much as I would like this to be a world where we can just say what we think.....just imagine if that were so.
I can already imagine people walking around with red hand prints on their faces!!
You think the divorce rate is bad NOW, I can almost guarantee it would be at about 99% if spouses didn't hold back their thoughts to some degree.
Thank goodness traits such as tact, mutual respect and empathy exist. For we would be a society of savages if it weren't for those who chose to be the bigger person, take the higher road or decide, you know what, I love you too much to hurt your feelings.
Now I'm not saying make yourself miserable because if something important needs to be addressed, then by all means do so. It's all about the delivery of such news so take time to filter it before it leaves between your ears and comes out your mouth.
It's all about the delivery of such news so take time to filter it before it leaves between your ears and comes out your mouth.
It's about delivery, but it's also about the recipient. You can be as tactful as you want, but if they're not willing to listen to you, if they're just looking for you to validate their feelings and nothing else, then it becomes a lot harder to say what you need to say.
It's about delivery, but it's also about the recipient. You can be as tactful as you want, but if they're not willing to listen to you, if they're just looking for you to validate their feelings and nothing else, then it becomes a lot harder to say what you need to say.
But we can't control the recipient so you have to decide it it's worth getting yourself worked up over. Sometimes that means knowing when you're fighting a losing battle and when it's best to move on.
A woman I work with is worried about her husband's health and has been trying to get him to eat healthier and be more active. But every time she raises the issue, he gets upset with her cause he feels like she's trying to change him. So now she's reluctant to bring it up.
OMG! I think you must know me.
My husband just turned 38. His dad died at 40 because of heart-related issues that are uncertain. His dad knew he was going to die, and didn't change his lifestyle. He ate bad, smoked, and refused medical intervention. My husband is exactly like him. Smokes over a pack per day, eats horribly, drinks nothing but caffeinated products, and the most exercise he gets is from maneuvering his mouse all day. He has told me his cholesterol used to be high, but refuses to visit a doctor now. His dental health is awful thanks to a family that never made regular dental visits a priority. I cook healthy meals only so he can douse them in ranch dressing. I remind him of the extra $200 we'll have monthly if he quits smoking (in addition to the health benefits), only to have him ignore me. For me, I now do avoid mentioning things to him because it isn't worth it. He is a big boy and if he wants to make lifestyle changes, he will.
I think people get to the point where we feel we've tried and it has failed, so why put forth the effort anymore. I know that is my feeling. After I see hubby smoking more and salting up his food, I'll say, "so, your life insurance is up to date, right?" He thinks it is funny.
Sometimes I have wishes/secrets that are hard for me to share.
We all have those. It is hard to share everything with someone.
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