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Old 07-20-2010, 03:52 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,928 posts, read 4,572,627 times
Reputation: 12145

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Quote:
Originally Posted by redjan1225 View Post
I love this thread. Love hearing how those with different personalities handle confrontational situations. I tend to shy away from it, so I've always admired those who can be forward and direct and yet tactful and non-offensive.

I'm curious to see how you'd handle my dilemma:

My husband of 2.5 years has terrible hygiene. He takes a shower in the morning, put on his clothes, goes to work in an indoor (yet dirty) environment, smokes all day, and then plops right in to bed at night. He does not wash his hands or face, brush his teeth, or change his clothes. He stinks to high heaven and thinking of the dirt and germs makes me sick. I've asked him through tears to start washing up..it lasted about 3 days. When he comments on my lengthy bedtime routine, I explain to him that I do this thing called "washing up and it involves a toothbrush, soap, etc." He just rolls over and goes to sleep. Lately, I've just ignored it and turn away from him to sleep which offends him. Much to my delight, he gets hot at night so he sleeps with a fan on his side of the bed which blows nice cool air right past him onto me. Gotta love the smell. I guess he doesn't seem to get that one who sleeps in denim shorts would tend to get hot in the night. He says he has had this bad habit his entire life. I talk about it with friends who have asked if I want them to talk to him which I have refused. It is affecting our love life to the extreme. Nothing sexier than rolling over to snuggle with a stinking spouse wearing jeans.

I've tried tears, the direct approach, and humor/sarcasm. Now I'm ready to try the couch. How would you handle it?
Well, the bad thing is he had this little habit before you married him so when you said "I DO", you kinda accepted him for what his is. Now you are trying to change things up with regards to his hygiene and he doesn't see the problem.

I can't imagine telling a SO....in tears...and they still did not make an efffort to change.

First off, the lovin' would be non-existant. If he doesn't mind that you've cut him off, that could be your first clue to a dead-end marriage.

Secondly, can you buy him towelettes to wash up with if it seems such a chore to actually wash his hands, face, etc. ?

Does he not brush his teeth all day? I can't imagine what the morning goodbye kiss must be like.

It sounds very trivial to have to tell another grown up to keep clean, however, it affects many areas of intimacy. If it's important to you, it should be brought to his attention in a very serious manner.....like I'm not going to spend the rest of my marriage this way serious......Good luck!
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Old 07-20-2010, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Back in COLORADO!!!
837 posts, read 1,150,411 times
Reputation: 1305
Quote:
Originally Posted by redjan1225 View Post
I love this thread. Love hearing how those with different personalities handle confrontational situations. I tend to shy away from it, so I've always admired those who can be forward and direct and yet tactful and non-offensive.

I'm curious to see how you'd handle my dilemma:

My husband of 2.5 years has terrible hygiene. He takes a shower in the morning, put on his clothes, goes to work in an indoor (yet dirty) environment, smokes all day, and then plops right in to bed at night. He does not wash his hands or face, brush his teeth, or change his clothes. He stinks to high heaven and thinking of the dirt and germs makes me sick. I've asked him through tears to start washing up..it lasted about 3 days. When he comments on my lengthy bedtime routine, I explain to him that I do this thing called "washing up and it involves a toothbrush, soap, etc." He just rolls over and goes to sleep. Lately, I've just ignored it and turn away from him to sleep which offends him. Much to my delight, he gets hot at night so he sleeps with a fan on his side of the bed which blows nice cool air right past him onto me. Gotta love the smell. I guess he doesn't seem to get that one who sleeps in denim shorts would tend to get hot in the night. He says he has had this bad habit his entire life. I talk about it with friends who have asked if I want them to talk to him which I have refused. It is affecting our love life to the extreme. Nothing sexier than rolling over to snuggle with a stinking spouse wearing jeans.

I've tried tears, the direct approach, and humor/sarcasm. Now I'm ready to try the couch. How would you handle it?
Dang, that's a tough situation... I'm a plumber and sometimes I get absolutely filthy during the day. Sometimes I'll tell my wife, stop, you don't want to get near me yet! Let me jump in the shower first.. She'll say, "why? Do you not want me to smell your girlfriend's perfume?" (jokingly) I'll say, "Yep, you caught me! Her fragrance is eau de ruptured sewer pipe, if you really want to, go ahead and grab a whiff!" She'll pass. Usually. And I'll take a quick shower.

To answer your question, you need to use the right tool for the job. We men are pretty easy to manipulate if you have the right tools, and you do...

You might call him one day while he's at work, tell him you'll be at the grocery store buying whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Let him know that you've come up with some creative ways to eat them that you'd love to share with him. Tell him to be sure to be shaved, soaped, clean and kissable at exactly 5:30, and I guarantee he'll be scrubbed down with bleach and standing at full attention with a smile on his face at 5:29....

Afterwards, let him know the potentiality of this sort of encounter happening again is directly proportional to his meeting the criteria for it happening again. Let him know there will be no advance warning, but he'd better be ready or it ain't happening.

If that doesn't do the trick, I don't know what to tell you.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:06 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,035 posts, read 2,443,108 times
Reputation: 1285
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
Well, the bad thing is he had this little habit before you married him so when you said "I DO", you kinda accepted him for what his is. Now you are trying to change things up with regards to his hygiene and he doesn't see the problem.

I can't imagine telling a SO....in tears...and they still did not make an efffort to change.

First off, the lovin' would be non-existant. If he doesn't mind that you've cut him off, that could be your first clue to a dead-end marriage.

Secondly, can you buy him towelettes to wash up with if it seems such a chore to actually wash his hands, face, etc. ?

Does he not brush his teeth all day? I can't imagine what the morning goodbye kiss must be like.

It sounds very trivial to have to tell another grown up to keep clean, however, it affects many areas of intimacy. If it's important to you, it should be brought to his attention in a very serious manner.....like I'm not going to spend the rest of my marriage this way serious......Good luck!
Thank you Seeniorita! We didn't live together prior to marriage, but before we married he would sleep in pajamas when we spent the night together.

He usually wakes up and hits the coffee and Marlboros but eventually does brush and mouthwash in the morning. Usually this is after I leave, so the morning goodbye kisses are rank as are the goodnight ones for that matter.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:07 PM
Status: "Turpa pie reikä ääliö" (set 28 days ago)
 
8,593 posts, read 5,911,278 times
Reputation: 17973
This is a great reason why people should live together first.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,035 posts, read 2,443,108 times
Reputation: 1285
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenScoutII View Post
Dang, that's a tough situation... I'm a plumber and sometimes I get absolutely filthy during the day. Sometimes I'll tell my wife, stop, you don't want to get near me yet! Let me jump in the shower first.. She'll say, "why? Do you not want me to smell your girlfriend's perfume?" (jokingly) I'll say, "Yep, you caught me! Her fragrance is eau de ruptured sewer pipe, if you really want to, go ahead and grab a whiff!" She'll pass. Usually. And I'll take a quick shower.

To answer your question, you need to use the right tool for the job. We men are pretty easy to manipulate if you have the right tools, and you do...

You might call him one day while he's at work, tell him you'll be at the grocery store buying whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Let him know that you've come up with some creative ways to eat them that you'd love to share with him. Tell him to be sure to be shaved, soaped, clean and kissable at exactly 5:30, and I guarantee he'll be scrubbed down with bleach and standing at full attention with a smile on his face at 5:29....

Afterwards, let him know the potentiality of this sort of encounter happening again is directly proportional to his meeting the criteria for it happening again. Let him know there will be no advance warning, but he'd better be ready or it ain't happening.

If that doesn't do the trick, I don't know what to tell you.
Good idea! Will have to give that a try.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:12 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,928 posts, read 4,572,627 times
Reputation: 12145
Quote:
Originally Posted by redjan1225 View Post
Thank you Seeniorita! We didn't live together prior to marriage, but before we married he would sleep in pajamas when we spent the night together.

He usually wakes up and hits the coffee and Marlboros but eventually does brush and mouthwash in the morning. Usually this is after I leave, so the morning goodbye kisses are rank as are the goodnight ones for that matter.
Sounds like he's gotten a little "too" comfortable and thinks he doesn't have to keep himselp up anymore....he's got ya now, no need to work for it or impress you anymore. This is an epic fail in many marriages. Some seem to think once they are married, they no longer have to try. Simply not true.

Have a serious talk with him. Tell him how difficult intimacy is for you and that you no longer desire him in his current state. Encourage him to make an effort to change. Perhaps a couple of nice pairs of comfy pj's, Binaca...whatever it takes. If you want to make it work, it's going to take BOTH of you.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,035 posts, read 2,443,108 times
Reputation: 1285
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
Did you know about his lack of hygiene prior to marrying him or is this a new problem that has developed?
Djuna, he definitely had better hygiene prior to marriage. When I remind him that he used to sleep in pj's or comfy shorts, he has no recollection. When I spent the night at his house, I recall him washing up before bed. When he slept at my house, I remember him not washing up or changing and just thinking it was because he didn't have his toiletries or a change of clothes. I found out after marriage that he has supposedly always done this even into childhood. One time I was so fed up I told him I was going to discuss his lack of hygiene with his mom and I implied that she would be offended because it would appear that she didn't do her job of teaching him proper hygiene (she was a single mom). He laughed and said she is aware since he's done this his entire life.

I think the bottom line is that it bothers me and that matters not to him. I'm honestly not a nag or a nit-picker and don't think I'm being unreasonable here.
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Old 07-20-2010, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,035 posts, read 2,443,108 times
Reputation: 1285
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
Sounds like he's gotten a little "too" comfortable and thinks he doesn't have to keep himselp up anymore....he's got ya now, no need to work for it or impress you anymore. This is an epic fail in many marriages. Some seem to think once they are married, they no longer have to try. Simply not true.

Have a serious talk with him. Tell him how difficult intimacy is for you and that you no longer desire him in his current state. Encourage him to make an effort to change. Perhaps a couple of nice pairs of comfy pj's, Binaca...whatever it takes. If you want to make it work, it's going to take BOTH of you.
I can't rep you anymore Seeniorita, but thanks again! You are absolutely right.
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Old 07-20-2010, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Under the lovely Southern sky
389 posts, read 351,842 times
Reputation: 368
Well, you said that he get's offended when you roll over in bed & get as far as physically possible from 'im. If that's true, he'll probably get even more offended when you actually do sleep on the couch 1 night.

If ya tell 'im "You smell like a graveyard dug up & I won't sleep by you 'til you start cleanin' up @ night," it might have a bigger effect on him.

Don't take too much advice from me. haha, I'm thick headed. Sometimes demanding things won't work, so you might also try compremising with him like someone else said.

Jessie
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Old 07-20-2010, 11:48 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
1,589 posts, read 1,404,482 times
Reputation: 2106
I'd not share a bed with him. I'd sleep in the guest bedroom or on the couch. It's highly inconsiderate of him especially since he knows how much it bothers you.
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