U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-30-2010, 03:47 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,222,091 times
Reputation: 7511

Advertisements

Most people expect their partner to support them in the pursuit of their goals. But sometimes, a partner may not support you and may even be pushing you in the wrong direction. For example, maybe you're trying to lose weight, but you have a husband who'd rather eat pizza and beer while you try to eat healthy. He may even say things to discourage you. I'm just curious to hear if anyone ever had to deal with this. It could be anything. I just used weight loss as an example. Why do you think they did it and how did you handle it? Or were you the one who wasn't supporting your partner and, if so, why?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-30-2010, 03:50 PM
 
Location: In my view finder.....
8,521 posts, read 13,543,726 times
Reputation: 8079
I have no experience with this but this is an excellent question Denny.

I can't wait to see the replies.

Tried to give reps but you know how it goes........


Ron
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-30-2010, 04:02 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,205,734 times
Reputation: 9262
I had to think about this question. I guess my answer is basically that I don't need my husband to support me. I go on diets and he eats fast food in front of me, but I don't let it bother me. I took a job once that he thought would be a bad fit for me. I took it as a challenge to succeed in that role (and I did).

I guess if I weren't such a determined, pushy broad it would bother me, but it doesn't.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-30-2010, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Texas
42,204 posts, read 49,740,662 times
Reputation: 66975
Hmmmm...my partner now would support me and push me if I asked.

But my last two exes kind of didn't understand my ambition and would kind of mock me for wanting to do really, really well...that was annoying. The same thing happened to my brother when he was in law school. It's hard enough to be in that kind of stressful situation, but having your partner give you a hard time about it to boot...ick.

I think overall I don't really need anyone to support me because I have kind of done what I have done regardless of the peanut gallery, but it would be annoying. Glad my wife isn't like that now. She's on board with anything I want to do. And sometimes takes it up herself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-30-2010, 04:09 PM
Status: "Arooooo!" (set 13 days ago)
 
6,108 posts, read 6,198,514 times
Reputation: 6463
I have dealt with that to a certain extent. Of course, it involved weight loss. I started doing a "biggest loser" contest with some of my family members and we met on Sunday mornings to weigh-in and chat/support each other. After I was done with that, my ex would guilt me into going out to eat with him. He knew I was trying to lose weight but would always want to go out to eat, order pizza in and be lazy, etc. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was my fault for letting it get to me.

Of course, when he decided he needed to lose weight, I supported him and helped him shop for better food choices. He stopped eating out and dropped the pounds almost instantly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Massatucky
1,157 posts, read 1,917,647 times
Reputation: 1744
any type of 'mocking' behavior is deadly for a relationship. or 'reverse mockery' where the future-ex proudly struts their underachieving character as you struggle and strive to achieve personal heights. In any event, supporting someone in their pursuit of important personal goals is critical to a healthy relationship. Couples should grow 'together' and such behavior is that of separateness which is likely to be unhealthy. My ex was a 'slacker' and was utltimately 'proud' of it and told me 'achievement and the pursuit of it is way over-rated' as if to tell me 1) She was going to continue to be a lazy ass and 2) I was going to knock myself out trying to get anywhere in this world but that she would not really be there to encourage me...but of course she wanted the fruit of my labors including the $200 haircuts at Diego's in Cambridge, the $4.00 cupcakes at Kickass Cupcakes in Somerville, dinners at the Capitol Grille...you name it. But god help her if she had to actually WORK for it.

After our separation she finally came to the realization the she could not support herself on what she was making. DOH! But even then it did not occur to her get a full time job or make an effort to better he position in life. Really sad, I am, for her and it broke my heart in a 1000 shards to leave her but it was the right thing to do.

Boy, I miss her.....not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Jacksonville, FL (Northside)
3,271 posts, read 5,888,862 times
Reputation: 3353
I'm a very driven person and want the best of life so a woman that gets with me is going to have to understand AND ACCEPT that at times I'll focus more on my ambition than her. If she can't accept that, she's not the one for me. Period.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 02:34 PM
 
Location: somewhere south of Canada
2,162 posts, read 3,765,728 times
Reputation: 2562
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Most people expect their partner to support them in the pursuit of their goals. But sometimes, a partner may not support you and may even be pushing you in the wrong direction. For example, maybe you're trying to lose weight, but you have a husband who'd rather eat pizza and beer while you try to eat healthy. He may even say things to discourage you. I'm just curious to hear if anyone ever had to deal with this. It could be anything. I just used weight loss as an example. Why do you think they did it and how did you handle it? Or were you the one who wasn't supporting your partner and, if so, why?
My last boyfriend wasn't supportive of me trying to lose weight. He thought I looked fine the way I am, and that's flattering but I don't think it was a matter of opinion. The scale said I was overweight and he still tried to argue with me that I wasn't. I was 15 pounds overweight. He was obese. He would sit there and eat pizza and chicken wings and it seriously grossed me out. I ended the relationship pretty quickly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,199,022 times
Reputation: 24745
Change scares all of us and so many of our fears are unreasonable. We know they are unreasonable but we have them anyway.

If he/she loses weight(fill in the blank).....she/he will change and not want me anymore. We almost all have the heebie jeebies about our SO's changing. And yes, there are people who are very comfy with their SO's looking a little dated or a few lbs overweight. It means no one else will pursue them. It's not always even a conscious thing. It's just something a lot of people do and they couldn't even tell you why they do it.

I try very hard to be supportive of my SO. I love the man he is, warts and all. I have no desire to change him. I just want him to be who he is. It took me a long time to figure out I can change me, not you. And if I love you, why would I want to change you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 05:08 PM
 
12,389 posts, read 13,081,092 times
Reputation: 8877
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Most people expect their partner to support them in the pursuit of their goals. But sometimes, a partner may not support you and may even be pushing you in the wrong direction. He may even say things to discourage you.
if someone is undermining their partner's goals and success, then they not only don't have the partner's best interests at heart, they are actively behaving in a manner that is damaging and destructive to the partner.

my experience with this was when i was married and had a job, my husband actively undermined my success in the workplace, encouraged me to quit my job, and did a number of things to keep me from working. Supposedly it was "OK with him" that I worked, but in reality he did all he could to undermine and discourage my success in working.

Some years down the road when the marriage was falling apart, I confronted him on this and he admitted it, that he was sabotaging my work. He laughed about it. When I asked him why he did this, he laughed and shrugged. Once I recognized how destructive he was to my well-being I was able to leave the marriage. He had no interest whatsoever in changing his behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top