Overbearing Italian Mother (date, boyfriend, married, woman)

[ebonikz1]

So my 24 year old boyfriend has the worst overbearing mother of any man I have ever dated. I could literally write a novel on the madness I've dealt with over the 3 years but I'll try not to overwhelm you. I just need some advice and dont know what to do anymore. Keep in mind I've graduated college and were looking to move in together and planning on getting married when he graduates next year.
So like I said hes 24 (here are a list of the rules, as I know them, that he has to follow according to her):
1.) Cant spend the night at my house during the week
2.) Cant spend the night with me more then once a week
3.) Has to be home by the time she goes to bed on nights hes not staying over my house (11pm)
4.) If hes off work he has to attend every family event (their Italian and there's a TON) aka Christmas and thanksgiving he CANT go to my families house
5.) Has to call everyday when he gets to school or work in the morning and when he gets home

So unfortunately they have him by the balls because his dad gets full tuition reimbursement for college for him and so he has to continue living at home and abiding by their rules in order to go to college for free. So were in a pickle.

There have been many arguments between me and him, him and his parents, and his parents and I over the past 3 years, and so I've given up. Monday thru Thursday we dont see each other so it appeases his mother and he can do all of the family things and avoid the drama. Which leaves Friday Sat and Sun for me and him to hang out. This makes it difficult for me to gauge what its going to be like living with him
Vent over. Any suggestions? Anyone ever dealt with this kind of situation? (Fells like more of an overbearing father with daughter situation reversed)

Oh and one more thing, she cant stand me because "I take time with him away from her" and I dont want to have children so she doesn't think I'm the right girl for him (even though hes expressed to me he has never had any desire for children either).

[virgode]

Been there...he could be 50 and she'd still do the same...on the plus side..I learned to cook Italian food from the best.

[FrmlyBklyn]

Originally Posted by ebonikz1

So my 24 year old boyfriend has the worst overbearing mother of any man I have ever dated. I could literally write a novel on the madness I've dealt with over the 3 years but I'll try not to overwhelm you. I just need some advice and dont know what to do anymore. Keep in mind I've graduated college and were looking to move in together and planning on getting married when he graduates next year.
So like I said hes 24 (here are a list of the rules, as I know them, that he has to follow according to her):
1.) Cant spend the night at my house during the week
2.) Cant spend the night with me more then once a week
3.) Has to be home by the time she goes to bed on nights hes not staying over my house (11pm)
4.) If hes off work he has to attend every family event (their Italian and there's a TON) aka Christmas and thanksgiving he CANT go to my families house
5.) Has to call everyday when he gets to school or work in the morning and when he gets home

So unfortunately they have him by the balls because his dad gets full tuition reimbursement for college for him and so he has to continue living at home and abiding by their rules in order to go to college free. So were in a pickle.
There have been many arguments between me and him, him and his parents, and his parents and I over the past 3 years, and so I've given up. Monday thru Thursday we dont see each other so it appeases his mother and he can do all of the family things and avoid the drama. Which leaves Friday Sat and Sun for me and him to hang out. This makes it difficult for me to gauge what its going to be like living with him
Vent over. Any suggestions? Anyone ever dealt with this kind of situation? (Fells like more of an overbearing father with daughter situation reversed)

Whatsa matta u - u no lika Italian mommas. He's a momma's boy.
Whatcha think your life will be like when you mova in witha momma's boy?
You in biga do-doo! Welcome to il famigilia!

[Thursday007]

It's not YOUR issue with the mother it's HIS. Mama sounds threatened. Is he perchance the baby of the family, the youngest male or the "favorite" son?

No one is holding him against his will and if he's still hanging on to mama's apron strings - cut this cord with big sissors. I dated a man twice in a 10 year period of time and NOTHING changed. After 10 years he was still cow to'wing to mama . I can guarantee you she speaks ill-will of you to him behind your back and he does not defend you in front of her. This will most likely never change.

But, bear in mind, if he's still living at home and sucking from the hind tit of the money bag for school then he has to abide by her rules. Her roof - her rules. Either wait it out until he moves out, which may not even happen and take the lumps and work with it the best you can or just get out now.

[miu]

French mothers are like that too. I also suspect Greek families operate the same way. Old fashioned values. Blood family ties are very important to them. Also their spiritual values. I hope that you are Catholic.

[ebonikz1]

She speaks ill-will of me to my face!
And let me clarify...while he is most def a mommas boy he is not a spoiled brat and he worships the ground I walk on. I just always feel like Im second best to her and proabaly always will be. She definitely does feel threatened by me, and yes he is the baby.

[CaliTerp07]

If they're supporting him financially and giving him free tuition and a place to live, then he has to follow their rules, like it or not. If you want to have sleepovers and spend holidays together and such, then he will probably need to take on responsibility of paying for his own endeavors.

FWIW, neither my parents nor my husband's parents would ever have supported spending the night at each other's home before marriage. I had curfew all throughout college when I'd come home on breaks. Neither of those seems unreasonable to me. I understand needing to be at family holiday activities, but can you go with him there in the morning and to your home in the afternoon for a couple hours, or something?

Why do you need to get married next year? Why not wait until he graduates, is completely self sufficient, and then date another year and see how it goes? My fear is that even after he doesn't need his parents anymore, their control will be so ingrained in him that not a whole lot will change.

I dated a guy for 4 years whose parents were insane. They wrote my parents nasty letters telling them I was corrupting their son (hah!). They sabotaged our plans together, so that I would be waiting at a restaurant for him and they'd tell him there was an emergency and take him off somewhere for family time (somewhere there wasn't cell signal, usually). I'd book plane tickets to come visit him at college, and conveniently his parents would find out and book the same week to monopolize all his time. He was on a full scholarship to school, didn't need anything from his parents, but he still couldn't see that they were controlling him. He couldn't stand up to them, couldn't reason with them, and ultimately couldn't step up to the plate when they were insulting me behind my back.

You don't want to be in that kind of situation. Make ABSOLUTELY SURE that your boyfriend is going to be on your side, always. You leave your family and cleave to your spouse. Ideally, you love both and everyone gets along smashingly. In the event that doesn't happen though, you need to come first.

[redjan1225]

I don't think things will change. I probably wouldn't see a happy future unless I could be ensured that my spouse would be willing to move away from his parents once he graduated. And I'm not talking to an apartment 2 miles away, I'm talking to another state, where they cannot run his day-to-day life. Otherwise, I see this continuing since they are not going to change. I can just picture them interfering with your love life and stopping by to express their opinions of your housekeeping, cooking, etc. Ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond? You're Debra.

[ebonikz1]

Originally Posted by redjan1225

I don't think things will change. I probably wouldn't see a happy future unless I could be ensured that my spouse would be willing to move away from his parents once he graduated. And I'm not talking to an apartment 2 miles away, I'm talking to another state, where they cannot run his day-to-day life. Otherwise, I see this continuing since they are not going to change. I can just picture them interfering with your love life and stopping by to express their opinions of your housekeeping, cooking, etc. Ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond? You're Debra.

Oh dear god...

[Thursday007]

Originally Posted by ebonikz1

She speaks ill-will of me to my face!
And let me clarify...while he is most def a mommas boy he is not a spoiled brat and he worships the ground I walk on. I just always feel like Im second best to her and proabaly always will be. She definitely does feel threatened by me, and yes he is the baby.

Yep, the baby of the family, I knew it. No one said he was spoiled brat. Mama just molly coddles him and he doesn't stand up for himself. That isn't even a factor in this case. And when she speaks ill-will of you to your face - what does he do, or how does he act. Has he ever told her to knock it off or show you more respect. My answer to my own question is no. Yes, I'm sure he worships the ground you walk on but to what extent? I was speaking of what he does when she does bad mouth you to him behind your back like, "and you need to get rid of that little tramp"

If you are planning a future with this man with the hopes of being married - you get the mother with the man and it's quite lonely in that kind of relationship dynamic. You will be the 'other' woman here.