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Old 08-08-2010, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Portland, OR
1,366 posts, read 1,409,243 times
Reputation: 1135

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Hey guys! I never post here in the relationships section b/c I've been single for the past year while I focus on my career and life but that seems to be changing and I already need a little input. Here's the scoop:

I met a girl about 4 months ago at a work related event (no she isn't a coworker) and we hit it off as friends. She had been hanging out with our group and would come over to my place and visit (again as just friends). Well the last few weeks have been a little nuts. I've started to have feelings for this person. She and her boyfriend of 5 years broke up because he was a cheating a**hole and she's been coping with all of that. Last week my friend ended up going to her place (he was friends with her too and has been having some serious problems with his wife lately too) and they ended up getting pretty drunk and he kissed her and her roomate. I got furious at my friend and ended up having to tell her about my feelings to for her to explain my anger and frustration which I didn't want to do until she had put her ex behind her. She said she didn't know I felt about her like that and that she was pissed at my friend too for doing that behind my back (he knew how I felt about her). You don't need to know the details of what happened and her explanation except that she was very drunk, she still pushed him away when he tried kissing her, she was mad that he kept giving her drinks, they kicked him out as soon as he was sober enough to drive, and she has cut him out of her life.

Now that you have a little backstory, here's the current deal. After I told her how I felt, she said that she really liked me too and "could see myself in a relationship with you" but right now all she wanted was friendship until she gets in the right state of mind from her ex who still calls her and messes with her head. I am fine with friendship because I've been in her shoes before myself and I know it takes time. Since then, we've hung out a few times and everytime she ends up in my arms. I've been trying to help her get past her ex while being a complete gentleman. We had a few drinks the other night (god we sound like alcoholics lol... I promise we aren't!) and she passed out. I carried her to my bed and let her sleep while I went outside and smoked a cigarette with my roomate. I refuse to have sex with her yet (though we have kissed) because I'm so afraid of being a rebound guy and I don't want to jeprodize something that could be real. I'm already scared that the only reason she likes me is that because she's lonely and I told her how I felt. I'm not really sure why I have so many feelings for her so fast because I'm usually not like that. I think maybe it's because I see something of myself in her? It's kind of messed up how we ended up where we are at but I am thankful too because who knows what would be happening right now if her ex wasn't a douchebag and my friend an a**hole.

Anyway what do you think? Am I her rebound? All my female friends have told me to just take it slow, don't sleep with her yet, and just keep doing what I'm doing.
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Old 08-09-2010, 01:38 AM
 
1,127 posts, read 1,265,298 times
Reputation: 1273
Why would are you interested in someone who drinks until she passes out? That's a big red flag and a total N-O.
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Old 08-09-2010, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Portland, OR
1,366 posts, read 1,409,243 times
Reputation: 1135
Ok to address the drinking thing:

I know it sounds like we're alcoholics in this post but in all fairness when we DO drink, I just have a beer or two and she didn't even start drinking until a few weeks ago so her tolerance is very low. And in her defense, that just happened the one night and it was like 3 in the morning when she passed out.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,408 posts, read 14,700,452 times
Reputation: 21837
I wouldn`t put my life on hold for this girl, but I would recommend just taking it one day at a time. There sounds like alot of drama, so I wouldn`t expect to much in the end. Good luck!
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:25 AM
 
19,413 posts, read 11,563,828 times
Reputation: 29908
Personally I would be very cautious about the alcohol thing, why did she just start drinking a few weeks ago? We do have an occasional drink but it is one or two beers or wine and before a meal or after, not just to sit and drink. Enough about that though, I think you should take it slow and see where things do go. If she has been with someone for five years and has tolerated that sort of treatment you could be the nicest guy she has ever had give her attention. For some women they discover that is how they want to be treated however, sadly for others they find a decent guy who treats them well and will eventually end up leaving that guy to go back to the ones who treat them so badly. Give it some time and let things go where they will but by no means should you put your life on hold waiting for this girl. If you spend time with her great but keep doing what you do, go out with others etc. If it is meant to be it will.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:31 AM
 
Location: OMAHA,NEBRASKA
3 posts, read 5,672 times
Reputation: 16
you sound really sweet and im sure she is to,but my advice is get out of it while you can.you dont wanna get deep feelings for her cause youll never no what will happen next with her.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:38 AM
 
Location: Iowa, Heartland of Murica
3,195 posts, read 3,305,541 times
Reputation: 3061
I am sorry but you are already acting like you are in love with this woman You should have never told her about "your feelings" because now she knows how you feel and she may/will use it against you.

I don't know if you are young but I think you are a bit immature. Never, ever focus so much on one woman especially when you don't even know what is going to happen, and you are giving this woman WAY too much credit! Heck, you are even standing up for her, trying to justify why she drinks like she does.

I would NEVER invest so much especially in the beginning, knowing that she drinks until she passes out. Definitely a red flag.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Ohio
2,178 posts, read 5,111,493 times
Reputation: 3707
The recent drinking thing just may be a way of coping with feelings she can't let go of.
Rebounders are defensive.
They can promote an offense and stand back and watch what happens.
They don't score much. They depend on others to do that and pick up the team.
I know. I was on the rebound once from a failed marriage and thought I had a good thing going with another girl. But it was from being lonely and wanting to start another future too fast.
That lasted 7 years and made 4 kids. But it was never true love. It was a wannabee thing that ended in divorce.
So some time later I married a woman with no past strings attached and got over the past instead of just looking for self support and instant romance.
Almost 30 years later we are still together and we raised my 4 kids and her 2 from her previous marraige.
Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one. Don't rush it. Especialy with someone who might just be looking for short term support instsead of long term commitment.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Portland, OR
1,366 posts, read 1,409,243 times
Reputation: 1135
Wow! Thanks guys for everyone's input and advice. I really appreciate it! Yes it dawned on me last night that I am getting attached way too fast (again which rarely if ever happens with me). I'm just going to take it slow, go with the flow, and continue to work on building my career (which has been going really well lately) and just hope for the best.

P.S. Yes she has told me that she started drinking to help cope with her feelings. We drink socially. I'll proceed with caution on that one though.

Everyone should be repped up to this point. Again, thanks.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,857,938 times
Reputation: 3620
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adric View Post
Hey guys! I never post here in the relationships section b/c I've been single for the past year while I focus on my career and life but that seems to be changing and I already need a little input. Here's the scoop:

I met a girl about 4 months ago at a work related event (no she isn't a coworker) and we hit it off as friends. She had been hanging out with our group and would come over to my place and visit (again as just friends). Well the last few weeks have been a little nuts. I've started to have feelings for this person. She and her boyfriend of 5 years broke up because he was a cheating a**hole and she's been coping with all of that. Last week my friend ended up going to her place (he was friends with her too and has been having some serious problems with his wife lately too) and they ended up getting pretty drunk and he kissed her and her roomate. I got furious at my friend and ended up having to tell her about my feelings to for her to explain my anger and frustration which I didn't want to do until she had put her ex behind her. She said she didn't know I felt about her like that and that she was pissed at my friend too for doing that behind my back (he knew how I felt about her). You don't need to know the details of what happened and her explanation except that she was very drunk, she still pushed him away when he tried kissing her, she was mad that he kept giving her drinks, they kicked him out as soon as he was sober enough to drive, and she has cut him out of her life.

Now that you have a little backstory, here's the current deal. After I told her how I felt, she said that she really liked me too and "could see myself in a relationship with you" but right now all she wanted was friendship until she gets in the right state of mind from her ex who still calls her and messes with her head. I am fine with friendship because I've been in her shoes before myself and I know it takes time. Since then, we've hung out a few times and everytime she ends up in my arms. I've been trying to help her get past her ex while being a complete gentleman. We had a few drinks the other night (god we sound like alcoholics lol... I promise we aren't!) and she passed out. I carried her to my bed and let her sleep while I went outside and smoked a cigarette with my roomate. I refuse to have sex with her yet (though we have kissed) because I'm so afraid of being a rebound guy and I don't want to jeprodize something that could be real. I'm already scared that the only reason she likes me is that because she's lonely and I told her how I felt. I'm not really sure why I have so many feelings for her so fast because I'm usually not like that. I think maybe it's because I see something of myself in her? It's kind of messed up how we ended up where we are at but I am thankful too because who knows what would be happening right now if her ex wasn't a douchebag and my friend an a**hole.

Anyway what do you think? Am I her rebound? All my female friends have told me to just take it slow, don't sleep with her yet, and just keep doing what I'm doing.


Ugh, young love. LOL you guys sound like you are what? Early 20's? I think that she sounds like she likes drinking and having a good time and right now if you are smart about this, you will bide your time and let her go through her growing pains.

She had a b/f for five years and that's a long time. We only know what you are telling us and you are telling us she got cheated on all the time by this guy which brings me to ask, why did she stay that long? Secondly ONLY knowing what you are telling us, we know nothing other than this and she may not be the perfect angel you are making her out to be.

Four months is a very short time in which to develop the feelings you are talking about. How about no more kissy-kissy and spending your time drinking together and instead do non-alcohol related activities and get to know more about her and let her go through her period of time she's clearly asking for.
(and no, I'm not saying you guys are a bunch of alcoholics, lol)
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