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Do you have many "needy" friends? How would you define "being needy?" Before I got married I dated some men who seemed "needy." They were really nice people but they didn't seem to have much of a "life."...I sure have a lot of fears about appearing "needy." It's hard for me to ask for help...I don't want to be a burden on anyone ever...My husband won me over years ago because he showed me that he cared in so many ways yet he was self-sufficient too...I've had a few friends through the years who seemed to suck the life out of me because they dumped so much on my lap and wanted to be "rescued" all the time. It got old after awhile...My Aunt ended up marrying a "needy" man who just camped out at her house everyday. She said that she might as well take him in and marry him because he refused to go away....
I had a friend that I took a break from because I saw it going down that path. I became friends with her and soon after she would hint around at needing money or babysitting (neither of which I do) and then the hints got bigger and bigger till one day I just told her, "look, I don't loan money out, period and my kids are grown, I'm all done babysitting until I have grandkids" and she backed off a bit, didn't talk to her a lot over the next year and then became friends again when she was a little more settled... as I understand it though, she's just a mooch, will take handouts when she can get them and never gives back so I was glad that I stuck to my guns. At this point, because she has SO much drama in her life, I don't consider her a good friend but more or less a little more than an acquaintance.
I don't have the patience for needy people and have dissolved several friendships because of it. I find them to be self-centered leeches...taking up your time, energy and draining the life out of you. No thanks!
Needy people can be pretty draining. They seem to have no life and want to be included in everything you do. If you go out with a friend or meet with family, they wonder why they weren't included and feel slighted. Likewise, they want you to participate in everything they do and if you opt out, they again feel slighted. They tend to call frequently, not knowing how to give you space, and use you as a sounding board to vent. It has the potential to become very one-sided where they talk more about what's going on in their world than in yours. But rather than completely writing them out of your life, I think it's best to first put distance between you and them. If they're offended, don't apologize. Hopefully they'll figure out why you're being distant. If they still don't get it and ask why, be direct and call them out on their needy behavior. They'll either realize the truth in what you're saying or go on feeling insulted. Either way, the burden is on them to change their behavior. Having dealt with needy people myself, I know that they can basically act like children. Well if someone acts like a child, treat them like one. They'll either grow up or go on being a child. If they chose the latter, they'll eventually realize they've alienated a lot of people.
Denny...Good post and points...Have you developed a formula to recognize "needy people" early on? What are some early signs?....I've run into people who seem to have a need to make me "needy." Has this ever happened to you?....They step in right away and hand me unsollicited advice when I was just sharing some of my thoughts and feelings and experiences with them and not really asking for advice...or asking to be "rescued." Has this ever happened to you?
Denny...Good post and points...Have you developed a formula to recognize "needy people" early on? What are some early signs?....I've run into people who seem to have a need to make me "needy." Has this ever happened to you?....They step in right away and hand me unsollicited advice when I was just sharing some of my thoughts and feelings and experiences with them and not really asking for advice...or asking to be "rescued." Has this ever happened to you?
I tend to pay attention to how often they call or come over, whether they seem to have a life outside of me, and how they react when you can't talk or spend time with them. People with healthy self-esteem don't take it personally if you can't always take their call or hang out.
I have a friend who calls me pretty much every single day wanting to hang out/go out. She's single, I'm not so I feel like she can't just sit at home by herself, ever. She doesn't ask for money or handouts but I don't think she understands that I can't just go out all the time, I have a boyfriend who I would like to spend time with too and can't just drop whatever I'm doing to go "hang out". I don't know if she would be considered "needy" by other people, but I guess I've always kind of liked "me" time...and I don't think she understands that. I've explained it to her on numerous occasions that I like being alone (at home with my boyfriend) but she still doesn't take the hint. She will still call and wonder why we can't see eachother everyday, does that indicate a "needy" friend?
I have a friend who calls me pretty much every single day wanting to hang out/go out. She's single, I'm not so I feel like she can't just sit at home by herself, ever. She doesn't ask for money or handouts but I don't think she understands that I can't just go out all the time, I have a boyfriend who I would like to spend time with too and can't just drop whatever I'm doing to go "hang out". I don't know if she would be considered "needy" by other people, but I guess I've always kind of liked "me" time...and I don't think she understands that. I've explained it to her on numerous occasions that I like being alone (at home with my boyfriend) but she still doesn't take the hint. She will still call and wonder why we can't see eachother everyday, does that indicate a "needy" friend?
Sorry about your friend. She seems emotionally needy to me.
I don't have the patience for needy people and have dissolved several friendships because of it. I find them to be self-centered leeches...taking up your time, energy and draining the life out of you. No thanks!
..............and dramatic, are they ever dramatic. Everything that happens to them is the absolute worst.
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