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I have been married for almost 20 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage, we'll call her Jenny. She is 20. I also have 2 other daughters, one 12 and one 17. I suffer from ptsd and some other issues. I have been in counseling on and off throughout my life, I have tried many meds, treatments, etc i am no longer on anything, nothing worked. Anyway, I for the most part have always had a regular a career, run my house (kept it running and clean, etc) and i am 'normal' on the outside, etc. I had a horrible childhood and I think this is contributing to what has happened the past 3 years now. 3 years ago my career took a major hit and there were 2 deaths in my family with very close people to me that threw me into some kind of major anxiety/depressive/manic state. (this is looking back at it now) I ended up feeling the best decision was to leave my house, husband and kids and try living on my own until I could get things under control.
During this time, I met someone and we started dating. I felt very understood, protected (related to the PTSD stuff) and everything was feeling so much better. But, my husband and kids of course wanted me home. I was trying to decide on a divorce which I had spent the last 10 years thinking about because I felt used by my husband, he would buy things from my income, he didn't work very much (we had a business that I ran and did 80% of the work) and he wouldn't pay much attention to me. Sometimes we would argue bad and he would yell at the kids when I felt it wasn't justified. So, I was in this apt. and trying to decide what to do, I made a mistake of having the BF move in. I ended up getting pregnant, I moved into a new place with the BF and had the baby. still married and my kids seeing me (I would 99% of the time go to THEM rather than have them come to me) (5 minutes across town). I moved back in with them a short time after I had the baby and my kids just told me they loved me, understood, etc. My oldest (jenny) was no longer living at home, she had a lot of troubles way before all this and she had run away a few times then moved out before I had and was living with different people. I eventually moved back in with BF and my Husband and my 2 girls moved up to another state where we used to live so he could care for his mom. I let the girls go with him because he needed the support from the kids and I felt the sitatuation I was in with the BF was a bit too up and down- he had a dispute with HIS ex wife and has 2 girls of HIS own, 12 and 9. The girls came from a home where nothing was EVER clean, so my bf house and mine was a major difference for them and they immediately resented the whole deal, his ex said all kinds of things about us and me and one day I was ok to pick up the kids and take care of them and the next day, I wasnt. So, what happens? I get pregnant AGAIN- we were using protection and it was a complete surprise. this was one year after the first baby. So, I have the baby, BF ex ends up suicidal and in the hospital and HIS kids end up with us full time, my 17 year old ends up coming back down to live with us for a month then goes back to her dad's because she felt bad for leaving him (her words). I went up to visit them for a few weeks after I had the second baby and everyone, including husband wanted me to stay. I feel my husband loves me (like who would put up with all this and not right?) but he always wants me BACK TO WORK full time and supporting everyone. I now have a 5 month old, 17 month old, 12 year old, 17 year old and a 20 year old (jenny who is on and off in my life). My BF wants me to stay with him, I hate where we live, his kids are told by their mom who lives in another state how she hates me all the time, so the relationship with them is tepid at best. I try hard to teach them responsibility and (don't laugh) and keep things clean, other than that, I don't discipline them, they have parents as far as I am concerned. So, I am sitting here, I love my son's father, I enjoy time with HIM, but I feel we may not work out these issues with his kids without a TON of work, inthe meantime, MY girls beg for me to come home, I miss them everytime I see HIS girls and I don't know what to do. I know I have made a mess, I know that part of my problem is my upbringing and my choices and just HUGE mistakes so believe me, nobody here could beat me up about what I have done to hurt my husband (who says come home) and my kids (who want mom back) and my boys (who aren't old enough to have a say) and my BF's life - his mom has been supporting us the past few months since I was in my last couple months of pregnancy due to a high risk pregnancy and hard recovery. Lastly, to add more to this mess, my PTSD sometimes has caused issues where my BF has had to 'handle' me physically. Well, one night Jenny (my oldest) was over and he was doing this outside in the garage and she saw this and freaked out, he is a very big guy and she thought he was hurting me, i can't say that sometimes he hasn't on what i consider accident, but he went off on her, verbally and she was going right back at him, I was pregnant with #2 boy at the time and my first son was in the house along with HIS girls, well, I ended up on the ground (not entirely sure how, I was told I was pushed by him, but I don't remember) and he ended following Jenny into the house who went to get my son (as I have taught my kids to ALWAYS get kids out of the house if there were ever a fire, trouble, etc) so he ends up picking her up in a choke hold and dragging her out of the room, I came in, saw this and scratched him till he got off of her. I thought he was going to really hurt her at the time. Well, he was arrested for DV on us both. The next day Jenny and I talked about it and we both felt that we all three were wrong in what happened, now he is getting ready to go to trial next week and I am facing whether I should leave him with my boys and go back with my ex, stay and wait for whatever happens, I have NO other options, no family or friends to stay/get help from/etc. I don't really want to put my boys into a homeless shelter. I need advice, my mom is dead, my dad is part of my old abuse so I can't talk to him and none of my outer family talks to me because my dad has ordered them not to. I don't know WHAT to do, I can't come to a good decision. I feel like I have so lost myself, my life, hurt so many continually I am AFRAID to make a decision. I tried to go to a counselor to get clarity just about all this and that didn't turn out. My back is now against the wall, I have to make a decision NOW and I just don't know WHAT to do. HELP please. And, please understand that I really UNDERSTAND the gravity of what my choices have done. I do have my 17 year old in counseling and I have talked with my kids about what choices I made and mistakes I have made quite openly, asking forgiveness, for which they have said they do.
Lost in AZP
Wow, what a story. Have you considered putting your two young one's up for adoption (if your bf would approve)? This is all sounds too crazy to be exposing to babies and children. That might seem like extreme advice, but you have an extreme story.
Wow, what a story. Have you considered putting your two young one's up for adoption (if your bf would approve)? This is all sounds too crazy to be exposing to babies and children. That might seem like extreme advice, but you have an extreme story.
Wow- yes, it is a messed up situation, no doubt, but i am sorry, my 3 older kids were all straight a kids, did well socially and save for some bumps with my oldest are really well adjusted considering everything. I have NO intention of giving up my boys- I love all my children, I would lay down my life for them and yes, the past 3 years have been tough as hell, thanks for recognizing my acknowledgement of that. No, we wouldn't agree to that. Since I am not sure if this BF relationship is turning to a DV relationship, I am questioning me getting myself and boys out, along with the other challenges we have, but none of this is easy, however, everyone on both sides have relationships with my sons, so, that is really NOT in a million years going to happen. And, yes, I am a mother bear, and I was offended by your post. Especially given that I am accepting my choices as bad ones. Thanks.
The grandparents have their own issues, the grandpa has major vietnam problems... No the boys going there is not an option. As it is, she is looking at having to take HIS girls if BF goes to jail for the DV.
Wow- yes, it is a messed up situation, no doubt, but i am sorry, my 3 older kids were all straight a kids, did well socially and save for some bumps with my oldest are really well adjusted considering everything. I have NO intention of giving up my boys- I love all my children, I would lay down my life for them and yes, the past 3 years have been tough as hell, thanks for recognizing my acknowledgement of that. No, we wouldn't agree to that. Since I am not sure if this BF relationship is turning to a DV relationship, I am questioning me getting myself and boys out, along with the other challenges we have, but none of this is easy, however, everyone on both sides have relationships with my sons, so, that is really NOT in a million years going to happen. And, yes, I am a mother bear, and I was offended by your post. Especially given that I am accepting my choices as bad ones. Thanks.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. It just sounds like so much to handle. Beyond that, if your bf has been violent with you, and/or you've been violent with him, you're already in DV relationship. Hopefully, you'll get away from it. If your dh is willing to take you back, with your boys, then that seems like the safest bet. You could try going it on your own, but that doesn't seem feasible based on your post (no family/support system).
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. It just sounds like so much to handle. Beyond that, if your bf has been violent with you, and/or you've been violent with him, you're already in DV relationship. Hopefully, you'll get away from it. If your dh is willing to take you back, with your boys, then that seems like the safest bet. You could try going it on your own, but that doesn't seem feasible based on your post (no family/support system).
I had thought to suggest that she go back to her husband too, but honestly I don't think that's fair to him. He's already allowed her to be part of their lives and he has raised their daughters.
No offense OP, but your husband doesn't deserve to clean up your mess. If he chose to anyway, he's quite an exceptional man. Just my 0.02
Yes, well, I couldn't GET fixed, it was a 4th csection and then a 5th, the doctors couldn't get to my tubes due to scar tissue. Thanks for your so HELPFUL advice.
I don't expect people to be RUDE. I am being honest with myself and those here, I am not looking to get BEAT UP, I mentioned that in my post. There isn't a reason to be RUDE. It's a bad enough situation without that. I am sure anyone posting like that has NEVER made a mistake, large or small.
I don't expect people to be RUDE. I am being honest with myself and those here, I am not looking to get BEAT UP, I mentioned that in my post. There isn't a reason to be RUDE. It's a bad enough situation without that. I am sure anyone posting like that has NEVER made a mistake, large or small.
What about Social Services? What about a shelter for DV? Can't they help and find you a program to keep your sons and work through this?
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I tried to go to a counselor to get clarity just about all this and that didn't turn out. My back is now against the wall, I have to make a decision NOW and I just don't know WHAT to do. HELP please. And, please understand that I really UNDERSTAND the gravity of what my choices have done. I do have my 17 year old in counseling and I have talked with my kids about what choices I made and mistakes I have made quite openly, asking forgiveness, for which they have said they do.
Not in a million years.
Especially given that I am accepting my choices as bad ones. Thanks.
