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The thing with forgiveness is, I can forgive and not have to say another word to them. I would honestly say I have nothing more to say to you. If something were to happen to me and I was terminal I hope she finds out when my obituary is printed in the paper.
My husband has no exes, so this is more than a little hypothetical, but I would hope that he would reach out in some way--sending a card or flowers, or making the effort to see her in person if it was desired.
If I found out my ex was dying, I would probably just send a card. I haven't talked to him in many years, so it would seem a little strange to show up out of the blue (and I don't think he'd appreciate it anyway).
It's hard for me to imagine because any exes that he has that I wouldn't be able to tolerate, he already isn't able to tolerate himself, so they wouldn't go to him for anything. The ones he is on good terms with are all married, so they wouldn't go to him, either--at least, no more than they keep in touch now on his Facebook.
However, if there was one who crawled out of the woodwork, meh, it would be up to him. Has nothing to do with me. I know where his heart is.
this actually happens. if its for real compassion is a big player. when they are dead your spouse will remember your kindness and even if they dont you did the right thing.
An interesting "What if....?" question presented to me today.
Your SO has an ex you cannot tolerate who becomes terminally ill. Would you be OK with them being in touch?
No. I would not be okay with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
Would you be OK with the SO visiting?
NO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
Would you be OK with one final attempt at a friendship?
No.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
It would provide a clearer understanding if you could share why you dislike this person. I imagine it could be a violation of boundaries, unfinished business, an affair or the mere fact that he/she is an ex.
Cant do that because this is just a hypothetical question.
I also wonder if it matters if they have children in common. [/quote]
Probably. But the way I would feel would be the same.
This whole situation is just silly. Doesnt matter if the ex was an ex spouse or just an ex boyfriend, I still would not be okay with them visiting or trying to strike up a friendship.
My ex wife found out she had cancer and I had NO desire at all to try to strike up friendship with her or visit her at all. She has boyfriend(s) and friends that could take care of her. I feel like it would be offensive to my wife to even consider trying to establish some type of "relationship" with her again. It just isnt right. I would never do it.
I was in this situation with my now-ex-husband. "Jill", The mother of his then-10 year old daughter, "Abby", had breast cancer that was in remission for several years before returning with a vengeance. Their breakup and subsequent interactions had been nasty. Until Jill was informed of her dismal prognosis, they had only spoken when absolutely necessary, and only about their daughter.
I was surprised when Jill called out of the blue and said she wanted to see my husband, and not exactly thrilled as she had meddled in our business and household via Abby a few too many times. When my husband came home from meeting with her, he told me that Jill was terminal and wanted to spend some time with him - and potentially some time with both him and Abby. When he asked what I thought he should do, a lot of emotions and opinions started churning around inside me and I had to take some time to process the request.
I thought of all of the negative things I'd heard about their relationship the scars Jill left on the man I love(d), not to mention the trouble she caused me sometimes. But then I looked long and hard at what kind of person I am - my ethics and what I value - and I did the only thing I felt was right, and that I had the right to do. I encouraged my husband to make his own decision, respected his choice to see her, and then was very careful not to make snarky comments or be passive-aggressive in the inevitable moments when I felt a little jealous or left out. Though the situation affected me, of course, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't ABOUT me. The reality is that Jill and my husband loved each other once, and I accepted that he might have needed to reconcile some things as much as she apparently did. I accepted that they had a daughter together and that this time could be healing for Abby. I also thought about how I might feel if I were Jill. What would I want to resolve in my life? The woman was going to die at 42 years of age, for crying out loud. Even if you don't like someone, that's still sad.
I definitely think it matters if there are children involved because children matter, period. Even if Abby hadn't even thought of wanting her parents to see each other I'm sure that the experience was helpful to her grieving process, and I know that my support of the situation was good for my relationship with Abby. I can't be sure, but I think I would've been okay with my husband seeing Jill even if they didn't have a child together. If they both wanted to do it, given all of their bad blood, then it was obviously the right thing for them to do.
That was very compassionate of you! Do you feel it had anything to do with the end of your marriage?
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