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An interesting "What if....?" question presented to me today.
Your SO has an ex you cannot tolerate who becomes terminally ill. Would you be OK with them being in touch? Would you be OK with the SO visiting? Would you be OK with one final attempt at a friendship?
It would provide a clearer understanding if you could share why you dislike this person. I imagine it could be a violation of boundaries, unfinished business, an affair or the mere fact that he/she is an ex.
I also wonder if it matters if they have children in common.
Finally, have you ever been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it?
It would depend on the nature of the relationship, to be honest.
One of my exes (from high school) was also the first guy I was engaged to, insofar that rings were purchased. I found out that he's extremely ill, in and out of the hospital, with diabetes. I would not want to make "amends" because the ending of that relationship was so awful, the only thing I could do was simply forget it ever happened.
But the exes with whom I parted amicably, yes, I probably would want to know and make one final attempt to reconnect with them. When you truly love someone and the two of you know that you both did your best during the relationship or marriage ... I think that I'd be quite understanding in this case.
I can't imagine ex seeking him out, I can't imagine what they would have to say to each other. It was said 20 years ago when she made her awful accusations against him in court.
I can't see that the children would matter here, they are adults now.
I hope that when the opportunity arises, when I am asked to step up and offer a terminanly ill person friendship or kindness, I hope I can say I did, regardless of our previous relationship. Aloha.
Well even though I went through a period of time with my ex when we were first going through our divorce and custody issues I wished him dead.... (lol) truth is if God forbid, he got diagnosed with a terminal illness, I'd do whatever needed to be done for him (with some exceptions like if he asked to have sex one more time, it's a big resounding NOOO LOL) but seriously, if the man were dying, I'd try to be as supportive as possible. We've long since put aside our "issues" with each other and we moved on. The fact is, we still have two kids together and even when your kids are adults, you have to continue setting a good example.
I think it depends on the circumstances, but in the end I'd have to trust my SO's judgment and wishes.
Is this a boyfriend who dumped her, things ended and yet on occasion she mentions him and I can see a pining in her eyes for "the one that got away"? I have to say, that would potentially make me uncomfortable. I might try to suck it up, be manly and trusting, let her go do what she felt was necessary, but I've seen too many people under the shadow of adversity do things they've regretted.
Is this an ex-husband that she was with for a number of years? Like it or not, they have a real history and I'd have nothing against her helping out in some ways, and certainly none against their attempting to make peace. In point of fact, I'd feel a LOT more comfortable about this situation than I would about the first scenario I gave.
I know of a couple who was married for 32 years, divorced. He remarried, but she did not. He went to see her when she was on her death bed, and ask her for forgiveness, which she did. The wife had no problem with this what-so-ever.
I've noticed in life what goes around comes back around. "Mercy is shown where mercy is given", Dog the Bounty Hunter would say.
I think whatever your religious beliefs are, I would hope people would choose some compassion and thoughtfulness for others. The world would be a much nicer place if people stopped dragging the past around with them.
So certainly, especially if the ex wanted to ask or give forgiveness for the past to close the door on it for good or if they just needed help, I really don't see the problem.
I don't think I'd have a problem with it. If any of my exes were in such a situation and needed help (even the one who forced me into getting a restraining order against him and meeting him in court), I would help them. No matter what, these people used to be a part of my life and at one time we loved each other however we were able to. I don't think they'd ask for help, but I'd be willing to help them or meet for a final good-bye. Now that I'm thinking about it, it does sound strange as we don't see each other and likely never will under normal circumstances... It could be related to my general problem with moving on, but they'll always be in my thoughts and memories to some extent... I'm not good at crossing people out as if they never existed.
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