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Old 08-25-2010, 07:11 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
11,996 posts, read 12,085,335 times
Reputation: 13375
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
He sounds fine with the situation, your parents sound fine with it . . . it is you that has difficulty - which I can understand. For the sake of peace though Eve, have you considered mending some bridges and coming to a more amicable split? It sounds like there is some unfinished business, and if you guys could put some stuff under the bridge (forgiveness for past wrongs?) then maybe his friendship with your parents and the possibility of running into him, would be more palatable.
There are things that fall into the unforgiveable, the OP chooses to keep that private with her family and the forum.

I still believe the OPs ex has motives, is using the friendship with the parents to put salt in the wounds or looking for a reconciliaton.

But I agree on one point, theres unfinished business.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,023 posts, read 13,767,354 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraGirl123 View Post
I think it's the other way around...I think the ex is not over the OP.
That's possible too

Weirdos, LOL.
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Old 08-25-2010, 08:55 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,796,099 times
Reputation: 7873
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllAboutEve View Post
I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago and it took me a while to get over him, but I'm starting to date again, go out, focus on me etc etc. But the problem is, my ex is very close to my parents. We kind of grew up together so he always turned to my parents for advice and really values the relationship. I decided after we broke things off that I wouldn't get in the way of him contacting them since I knew how he felt about it, and I knew it would be unfair.

But recently he dropped by my parents' house only hours after I left and it kind of freaked me out. I don't want to run into him. We did not leave on good terms. I still have a lot of hurt from what happened between us, and I don't like that he's in such close proximity to "my world" so to speak.

I am now avoiding going to my parents' house for fear of seeing him. I figure I can either suck it up, and be civil if I happen to see him or contact him the next time he does it and ask him to stop. My parents know very little about "us" since I kept it private, so they have no clue as to how I feel.

What would you do?
I'm curious, what relationship does your ex have with his own parents? Perhaps he really does love your parents and sees them as good role models, someone to talk to or turn to. I don't exclude the possibility that he just wants to stay close to them without any agenda. I, myself, love older couples and prefer their company to the company of my peers.

With that said, I suggest you share your feelings to your parents. They need to know that you feel uncomfortable with the arrangement. You can't be worried that you will bump into him every time you come over their house.
It's possible that he is hoping to see you when he goes there. Maybe he wants you back or maybe he just wants to smooth things over since you didn't leave on good terms.
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Ohio
751 posts, read 886,988 times
Reputation: 592
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllAboutEve View Post
I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago and it took me a while to get over him, but I'm starting to date again, go out, focus on me etc etc. But the problem is, my ex is very close to my parents. We kind of grew up together so he always turned to my parents for advice and really values the relationship. I decided after we broke things off that I wouldn't get in the way of him contacting them since I knew how he felt about it, and I knew it would be unfair.

But recently he dropped by my parents' house only hours after I left and it kind of freaked me out. I don't want to run into him. We did not leave on good terms. I still have a lot of hurt from what happened between us, and I don't like that he's in such close proximity to "my world" so to speak.

I am now avoiding going to my parents' house for fear of seeing him. I figure I can either suck it up, and be civil if I happen to see him or contact him the next time he does it and ask him to stop. My parents know very little about "us" since I kept it private, so they have no clue as to how I feel.

What would you do?

Why sweat the small stuff.Simply explain to your parents the situation and your feelings.
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:13 AM
 
Location: lala land
1,581 posts, read 1,987,824 times
Reputation: 1056
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
I'm curious, what relationship does your ex have with his own parents? Perhaps he really does love your parents and sees them as good role models, someone to talk to or turn to. I don't exclude the possibility that he just wants to stay close to them without any agenda. I, myself, love older couples and prefer their company to the company of my peers.

With that said, I suggest you share your feelings to your parents. They need to know that you feel uncomfortable with the arrangement. You can't be worried that you will bump into him every time you come over their house.
It's possible that he is hoping to see you when he goes there. Maybe he wants you back or maybe he just wants to smooth things over since you didn't leave on good terms.
My parents are like second parents to him. Growing up we would go on vacations together, he would come with us out to dinner, church, etc. He is especially close to my dad because his father was not in his life.

He may still be curious about me, but I think his main motive is seeking out guidance. Which is why I'm ok with him calling my parents, and meeting them for lunch.

If things had ended on good terms, I might be ok with seeing him occasionally. But things ended very badly. I have tried to be the bigger person in all of this, but at this point I feel like my life is being trespassed by him, even if its unintentional. Normally if things end badly with an ex I aviod all contact. I will even go so far as to avoid grocery stores, and restaurants that I could possibly see them at.

I have decided that if he comes over again, I will have to call him and ask him to stop. I would rather confront him directly than go through my parents. Honestly, I don't want them to get involved and I don't want to share all the messy details of our relationship.

There is a lot of unresolved emotions involved but at this point I just want to have him as far removed from me as possible. I don't like the idea of confronting him, but its better than feeling anxious every time the doorbell rings when I'm visiting.
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:34 AM
 
Location: lala land
1,581 posts, read 1,987,824 times
Reputation: 1056
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
The thing you have to be careful about is how you deal with it. If you confront him, that may be what he wanted. Also, if you ask him to stop coming around to visit your parents, he may mention that to them in some off handed way. He may also be hanging around to pump them for information--who you're seeing, what you've been up to etc.

Right now he has the upper hand. You never told your parents about your relationship with him, and to put it bluntly, he's f***ing with you.

Continue to ignore and avoid him. As a matter of fact, the next time you know he's going to be there, show up hand in hand with a date and pretend he's not even in the room aside from a cordial hello with a smile. Put on a show and let him have his money's worth, see if he still feels like hanging around.
My ex is manipulative. He only shows my parents his sweet side, and I know he's mentioned our relationship to them before. I have asked them not to tell him anything about me. All I've said on my end is that we had a falling out.

He could be messing with me - but why go through such great lengths? Why not just call? It seems an odd way to go about it, although I wouldn't put it past him.

But either way, the bottom line is I want him out of my life. I don't want to hear about him, and I don't want to see him. He can call, have lunch, do whatever with my parents but I just don't want to be involved.

Unfortunately though I have a feeling this may not be the last of him. I know eventually there will be a confrontation. Hopefully it will end well and maybe we will resolve some things, but mostly I'm dreading it.
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Old 08-26-2010, 04:42 AM
 
Location: Ohio
2,175 posts, read 4,938,639 times
Reputation: 3694
My ex wife and I had a bad divorce. That was over 30 yrs ago and I hated her for years after. But my parents and hers had been friends since we were both little so naturaly the ex had been a part of my parents lives long before we got married.
My Mom still talks to her on the phone. Dad has passed away. I have been at my Mom's and she would show up or she could be there when I dropped in. Sometimes our spouses are with us. We are mature enough to realize that our the past as a couple is over and done with and we have both moved on. I wont even ask my mom to tell someone she has known since the ex was a baby to not come around. That is their friendship and has nothing to do with me.
She gave me 4 great kids which I got custody of after the divorce. They are all grown and there are times at family gatherings when we all are together. Me and my wife, her and her husband and the kids. No one lives in the past. We accept and live in the present. And I wont ask my Mom to forget the past friendships she has had because it didn't work out with me and my ex.
If my ex said anything bad about me or got too nosey my Mom would end the visits. I won't ask her to end it because of our breakup.
I can't pick who Mom's friends are. She is smart enough to choose her own and not take sides.
Our problems were our own. They had nothing to do with Mom and the ex's long time part of knowing her.
As long as everything is cordial I have no problem with her remaining Mom's friend.
There is nothing wrong, imo, with your parents and your ex being friends since they have a history.
Maybe they still have a fondness for each other that goes beyond what went on with you and him.
They know how to separate the past from the present. They can still love you and be friends with him. Nothing wrong with that.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:01 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,796,099 times
Reputation: 7873
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllAboutEve View Post
My parents are like second parents to him. Growing up we would go on vacations together, he would come with us out to dinner, church, etc. He is especially close to my dad because his father was not in his life.

He may still be curious about me, but I think his main motive is seeking out guidance. Which is why I'm ok with him calling my parents, and meeting them for lunch.

If things had ended on good terms, I might be ok with seeing him occasionally. But things ended very badly. I have tried to be the bigger person in all of this, but at this point I feel like my life is being trespassed by him, even if its unintentional. Normally if things end badly with an ex I aviod all contact. I will even go so far as to avoid grocery stores, and restaurants that I could possibly see them at.

I have decided that if he comes over again, I will have to call him and ask him to stop. I would rather confront him directly than go through my parents. Honestly, I don't want them to get involved and I don't want to share all the messy details of our relationship.

There is a lot of unresolved emotions involved but at this point I just want to have him as far removed from me as possible. I don't like the idea of confronting him, but its better than feeling anxious every time the doorbell rings when I'm visiting.
Yes, I think you should definitely confront him and tell him that you don't want him in close proximity. However, it's possible that if you confront him, he will still do what he wants to do, especially if he wants to continue getting guidance from his parents.

In this case, you may only have 2 choices: either share your feelings with your parents or change your own attitude about the situation. I understand that things ended badly, but life goes on. What would you do if you had a child with this man? You would still be forced to have him in your life no matter what. Sometimes, you just have to stop caring that someone unfavorable is around you. If you can't change the situation, you have to change the way you react to it.

And although, Coolhand may disagree with me, I wouldn't bring around dates to throw in his face. It's not going to change anything for the better. If he is as manipulative as you say, it will be child's game to him and he will just do something to **** you off even more.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:16 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,860 posts, read 10,840,982 times
Reputation: 16368
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllAboutEve View Post
My ex is manipulative. He only shows my parents his sweet side, and I know he's mentioned our relationship to them before. I have asked them not to tell him anything about me. All I've said on my end is that we had a falling out.

He could be messing with me - but why go through such great lengths? Why not just call? It seems an odd way to go about it, although I wouldn't put it past him.

But either way, the bottom line is I want him out of my life. I don't want to hear about him, and I don't want to see him. He can call, have lunch, do whatever with my parents but I just don't want to be involved.

Unfortunately though I have a feeling this may not be the last of him. I know eventually there will be a confrontation. Hopefully it will end well and maybe we will resolve some things, but mostly I'm dreading it.
I think it's time to sit down with your parents and have an honest discussion about your relationship with him (especially since he's already mentioned it--and had given his side of things), and explain to them that you are not comfortable with him being around and that you'd like to establish some boundaries for him.

Speaking to him directly probably won't work out in your favor, but in case he's somewhat delusional about getting you back into his life, it may be necessary to have one last discussion with him about how you feel and personal boundaries.

Your third option is to carry on and ignore him. Though he seems like the stubborn type and probably won't go away on his own, especially since he's been close to them through the years.

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:20 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,846 posts, read 53,316,990 times
Reputation: 22748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
I could be way off, but I would suspect he's trying to use your parents to hold on to you in some twisted way, perhaps even using this as an angle to manipulate you or your parents in order to pull you in.
You're not! One of my exes was writing my parents letters, sending them cards, etc., trying to make them influence me while we were separated.
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