Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Did relationship between your parents play a part in the way you view and act in your relationships and if yes, how?
Were they good role models or did you learn what NOT to do from them?
I recently got a call from a friend of mine and she was very upset. She was telling me that she feels like she is following her mother's footsteps of going through failed relationships and that she will never be married and happy. I did my best to console her and didn't feel the need to be harsh her by pointing out her poor choices, but it definitely made me think whether or not our relationship choices are influenced by our parents (or could the tendency to have poor judgement even be genetic)?
My mother was a very strong woman and dominated the relationship. This is what I grew up watching and when my husband and I became serious, I had to adjust my thinking drastically. I realized that my husband will never be in that type of relationship, he likes to take charge and be the one to make decisions. I think my mother's dominance influenced me in a negative way and I had to learn how not to be influenced by it.
However, I also was influenced positively because my parents had great respect and love for each other. The way my father loved my mother was admirable and inspiring. When she was dying in the hospital, he spent over 40 nights by her side, sleeping on the recliner. He was a great example of how a man is capable of treating a woman, and although he had his flaws too (he wasn't perfect), I knew that it's possible to be loved this way.
As a result, although I didn't have decades of dating experience, I never allowed myself to be treated like crap. Even when I was going through heartbreaks and even when I did get mistreated, it was very short-lived.
yes i think it is important. my parents' personalities rubbed off on who I am, of course. ... but their relationship impacts me in the sense that i know what not to do in my relationships. they were two people with very different sets of expectations, sets of goals, where no amount of love or effort could've overcome the fact that it was a poor decision for them to marry.
mom = artist from a wealthy family, considered beautiful, has expensive taste, and likes to travel. dad = the complete opposite of all those things.
moral of the story for me: find someone compatible, not someone you're just attracted to.
My dad is a great example for me, of what not to be.
Fundamentally, IMO, his problem is how he views Love and Happiness. He views both of them as a goal, that he is inherently entitled to, and he should just be able to buy it.
Love and Happiness are none of those things, to me. To me, it is just about being on the road to nowhere in particular, and being fine with that.
We all learn from our parents--how can we not? Although I love and respect my parents, I did learn some things not to do. My parents bicker and pick at each other, which I can't stand. I visited them in July and they started doing it within an hour of my being there. My sister lives with them, though, and she says it's rare that they do that anymore. I hate it when couples fight in front of others (and that episode with my parents was just about stupid stuff, like driving and where to go for lunch), and I try not to do that. I might mildly disagree if we're discussing something with people, but we almost never contradict one another and never ever get that "you are so STUPID" tone that I hear in some couples.
My mother also gets very stressed out when planning events. During my visit, we were going to have a big family get-together at their house to celebrate birthdays and my cousin's graduation and my other cousin's baby, and my mom was freaking out that she didn't have the right color napkins to go with the tablecloths. White wouldn't do. She wanted coral or lime. I used to be like this and get all wound up and freak out on people if everything wasn't perfect, and then I realized I don't like that behavior in my mother. Nobody ever cares if the napkins are white instead of lime green. It's dumb to give yourself a headache and spoil the day over freaking napkins. I wish she would just give it a rest sometimes. I've tried to gently and lightly tell her this, but I think it goes down to the bone for her. I still catch myself doing that sometimes, but I've cut it out for the most part.
My dad, he can be picky. He's smart and kind of a know-it-all at times. My sister and mother are very alike, so they chafe at his tone of voice sometimes, but I just tell him to quit it or I laugh at him. That man can lecture and go on and on and ON. Yes, I got that too, but I do recognize it and don't have to win everything. He does seem to treat me with more respect than he does my sister. I'm the oldest and so is he, so we have the same bossy attitude at times.
They take care of one another too, though. My mom fusses over my dad, cooks for him, does his laundry, packs his luggage (he travels a lot) and runs errands for him. He works to support both of them, buys her nice things, and indulges her hobbies and charities. They don't have my ideal relationship, but it works for them.
yes i think it is important. my parents' personalities rubbed off on who I am, of course. ... but their relationship impacts me in the sense that i know what not to do in my relationships. they were two people with very different sets of expectations, sets of goals, where no amount of love or effort could've overcome the fact that it was a poor decision for them to marry.
mom = artist from a wealthy family, considered beautiful, has expensive taste, and likes to travel. dad = the complete opposite of all those things.
moral of the story for me: find someone compatible, not someone you're just attracted to.
I agree. Compatibility is very important. Thanks for sharing.
My dad is a great example for me, of what not to be.
Fundamentally, IMO, his problem is how he views Love and Happiness. He views both of them as a goal, that he is inherently entitled to, and he should just be able to buy it.
Love and Happiness are none of those things, to me. To me, it is just about being on the road to nowhere in particular, and being fine with that.
We all learn from our parents--how can we not? Although I love and respect my parents, I did learn some things not to do. My parents bicker and pick at each other, which I can't stand. I visited them in July and they started doing it within an hour of my being there. My sister lives with them, though, and she says it's rare that they do that anymore. I hate it when couples fight in front of others (and that episode with my parents was just about stupid stuff, like driving and where to go for lunch), and I try not to do that. I might mildly disagree if we're discussing something with people, but we almost never contradict one another and never ever get that "you are so STUPID" tone that I hear in some couples.
My mother also gets very stressed out when planning events. During my visit, we were going to have a big family get-together at their house to celebrate birthdays and my cousin's graduation and my other cousin's baby, and my mom was freaking out that she didn't have the right color napkins to go with the tablecloths. White wouldn't do. She wanted coral or lime. I used to be like this and get all wound up and freak out on people if everything wasn't perfect, and then I realized I don't like that behavior in my mother. Nobody ever cares if the napkins are white instead of lime green. It's dumb to give yourself a headache and spoil the day over freaking napkins. I wish she would just give it a rest sometimes. I've tried to gently and lightly tell her this, but I think it goes down to the bone for her. I still catch myself doing that sometimes, but I've cut it out for the most part.
My dad, he can be picky. He's smart and kind of a know-it-all at times. My sister and mother are very alike, so they chafe at his tone of voice sometimes, but I just tell him to quit it or I laugh at him. That man can lecture and go on and on and ON. Yes, I got that too, but I do recognize it and don't have to win everything. He does seem to treat me with more respect than he does my sister. I'm the oldest and so is he, so we have the same bossy attitude at times.
They take care of one another too, though. My mom fusses over my dad, cooks for him, does his laundry, packs his luggage (he travels a lot) and runs errands for him. He works to support both of them, buys her nice things, and indulges her hobbies and charities. They don't have my ideal relationship, but it works for them.
Thanks for such detailed and interesting post. Sounds like your parents have a very good relationship. I think bickering sort of reminds me of Frank and Marie marriage.
Did relationship between your parents play a part in the way you view and act in your relationships and if yes, how?
Were they good role models or did you learn what NOT to do from them?
I recently got a call from a friend of mine and she was very upset. She was telling me that she feels like she is following her mother's footsteps of going through failed relationships and that she will never be married and happy. I did my best to console her and didn't feel the need to be harsh her by pointing out her poor choices, but it definitely made me think whether or not our relationship choices are influenced by our parents (or could the tendency to have poor judgement even be genetic)?
Thank you for starting this thread. Kids are influenced by their parents in ways that they don't fully realize. How they view relationships, how they manage their finances, how they parent their own kids, these are all a result of what kind of home they grew up in. A lot of guys look to a girl's mother as a predictor of what the girl will look like when she's older. But I tend to look beyond just the physical stuff. What are her parents like? How do they get along with one another? How do they approach their relationship and what's the dynamic? More often than not, it's a good predictor of how their children will turn out.
I dated a girl whose mother had a history of divorce and bad relationships. She was terrified of ending up just like her mother. By the time I met her, she was already on the same path. And her parenting style seemed to mimic what she described her mother's to be like. She said her mother wasn't very affectionate and could be cold at times, which is what I observed with her and her own kids. People don't always see their view of relationships or parenting as bad because that's just what they were taught.
My parents have been together for over 40 years. They get along great and know how to give each other personal space to be their own person. They get into the occasional argument just like any couple. But I've never heard them raise their voices at each other. If they did, it wasn't when I was nearby. They don't take things too seriously and learn to let the little things just slide off their backs. And despite the fact that my dad makes a lot more than my mom, I never once felt like they weren't equal partners or that my mom's opinion mattered less than my dad's when it came to making big family decisions. Now that their kids are grown, they do more stuff together like travel. If there's anything I learned NOT to do from them, it's to end up with someone who I don't have a lot in common with. My parents have enough in common to enjoy each other's company, but there are some things my dad likes that I think he wishes my mom had an interest in too. Things like sports, politics, and wine. I personally couldn't see myself with someone I didn't have a deep emotional and intellectual connection to. People want to feel like their partner understands them and they understand their partner. So while my parents get along great and do a lot of stuff together, I sometimes wonder if they truly get each other. So I would say their relationship has definitely been an influence on me and what I look for in a partner and relationship. But because I'm looking for something even better than what they have, I've probably set the bar a little high.
Thank you for starting this thread. Kids are influenced by their parents in ways that they don't fully realize. How they view relationships, how they manage their finances, how they parent their own kids, these are all a result of what kind of home they grew up in. A lot of guys look to a girl's mother as a predictor of what the girl will look like when she's older. But I tend to look beyond just the physical stuff. What are her parents like? How do they get along with one another? How do they approach their relationship and what's the dynamic? More often than not, it's a good predictor of how their children will turn out.
I dated a girl whose mother had a history of divorce and bad relationships. She was terrified of ending up just like her mother. By the time I met her, she was already on the same path. And her parenting style seemed to mimic what she described her mother's to be like. She said her mother wasn't very affectionate and could be cold at times, which is what I observed with her and her own kids. People don't always see their view of relationships or parenting as bad because that's just what they were taught.
My parents have been together for over 40 years. They get along great and know how to give each other personal space to be their own person. They get into the occasional argument just like any couple. But I've never heard them raise their voices at each other. If they did, it wasn't when I was nearby. They don't take things too seriously and learn to let the little things just slide off their backs. And despite the fact that my dad makes a lot more than my mom, I never once felt like they weren't equal partners or that my mom's opinion mattered less than my dad's when it came to making big family decisions. Now that their kids are grown, they do more stuff together like travel. If there's anything I learned NOT to do from them, it's to end up with someone who I don't have a lot in common with. My parents have enough in common to enjoy each other's company, but there are some things my dad likes that I think he wishes my mom had an interest in too. Things like sports, politics, and wine. I personally couldn't see myself with someone I didn't have a deep emotional and intellectual connection to. People want to feel like their partner understands them and they understand their partner. So while my parents get along great and do a lot of stuff together, I sometimes wonder if they truly get each other. So I would say their relationship has definitely been an influence on me and what I look for in a partner and relationship. But because I'm looking for something even better than what they have, I've probably set the bar a little high.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. It's great that you have such a good example in front of you.
You know, when I started dating my husband and told him about my parents, he said that he is fearful my expectations are too high and that he couldn't "top" or "reach" the standards my father set out for me. However, I completely understood that people are different, that everyone have their own ways of handling relationships and expressing love. It wasn't about finding someone EXACTLY like my father. I wouldn't even want someone exactly like him. He was too much of a softee for me, and was comfortable for my mom making most of the important decisions. I actually found someone who is the opposite of him. However, the level of respect and love was up to what I would expect from a partner.
My father wasn't a saint, but I have lots of happy memories of him and he was always there for me and was a great provider. So that's what I absorbed from him, being responsible and always being there for my kids.
Last edited by Mr.Cat; 08-26-2010 at 10:46 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
