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Men are overly characterized as sex machines that you can turn on or off at the flick of a switch. This is an unfair generalization.
For some reason, not all couples will go to bed at the same time. This is particularly true if both work at jobs outside the home. One person wants to stay up and watch TV or read a book to unwind, the other just wants to pass out and get some rest. Exhaustion isn't conducive to having sex, or even thinking about sex.
If you want it, you are going to have to put it on the schedule--even if that's not spontaneous enough for you.
"What's love got to do with it" when u need some? A roommate is nice and it is nice to love ur roommate. However, u need a lover and a friend. U may have to get a nice pet and step. When u r living with someone "sex" on a regular is part of the package provided everyone is healthy enough to do so. If u want sex and he doesn't something is SERIOUSLY wrong. Most men want it. It sounds like the OP has some thinking and decisions to make. Good luck!
Yes, that seems about the options for you. I would personally be in favor of messing around on the side with both parties' consent. I know most people look down on this, but I don't understand the reasons for that (except for the risk of disease; however that risk can be lowered by taking appropriate measures). For me, it seems entirely natural for the whole passion and romance and all that stuff to fade after a while. And I find it almost completely unnatural for humans to be only attracted to one person their entire life (not saying this never happens, there are certainly exceptions).
I don't think it is worth the sex to give up a great companion for life; however, it seems like it often does come down to this in relationships. If only both parties could understand that sexual flings on side bear little emotional meaning to their stable relationship (and both parties are able to keep deeper emotional attachments from developing with the person they are having a fling with). To me, that would be the ideal situation. Then you can have your sexual needs fulfilled and still have the amazing life-partner with you to share your life with.
FWIW, I myself am in a sexless relationship (the "sexless" part is more from my end than my partner). I have told him countless times he can have flings on the side and that I would have no problems with this. I don't know if he's had any, and I really don't care to know. I really value this person's companionship; I can care less if he has sexual relationships on the side, as long as I know we are committed to each other and will share each other's life for the long-term. That is what is important to me.
Yours is not all that unusual of a partnership.
I have a dear friend who sounds just like you. Married for nearly 30-years, they stay together because they like each other.
Exhaustion isn't conducive to having sex, or even thinking about sex.
If you want it, you are going to have to put it on the schedule--even if that's not spontaneous enough for you.
It is part of our problem, I need not to ignore that part. I know we are both tired, end up watching tv until late and that does not help. Believe or not, I have thought about most of what people are saying and sometimes it seems overwhealming but it has to be done
a) medical issues
b) depression
c) he's already having an affair
d) he needs a place to stay and can't/ won't move out on his own (money issues)
Are you paying more than your fair share of the bills? Is he on the computer late at night? Away from home a lot? Traveling? Does he seem depressed?
No red-blooded man is going to be ok with having sex once or twice a year! Something is very, very wrong. The fact that you say you "can't talk about it" tells me all I need to know. You probably need to move on if you can't even bring up this subject!
Thank you. I also thought about the depression and medical issues. He lost his job and has not been the same since. He helps me a lot with everything related to my business, but is not happy with that. I know. He is a "manly man" a provider, protector, and caretaker and he can't do some of that for me without a job. I know he is not happy about that and needless to say it has affected both of us. I can't move on if I don't talk to him. So, I am reaching the obvious conclusion that I need to prepare to talk to him. Not an easy task but has to be done. Thanks for your thoughts.
I am in a committed relationship. I love my partner and I feel he loves me. We have been living together for several years. We are not married because of my prior experiences with marriage and he respects my feelings about it.
Before we moved in together, our sex life was the most passionate, "movie like" relationship and we would have sex often and it was wonderful.
For past two or three years, we have had sex, still great sex but once or twice a year. I thought it was me. I was slightly overweight and I knew it was a turn off for him. Now, I am in the best shape of my life, I know I look great but things have not changed.
I really love him but I am mentally ready to have an affair because I need to have sex. I need to feel desired and wanted. I need romance, lust, and passion in my life.
There is no doubt we love each other, but I am torn to pieces with my situation. Should I give up the love of my partner to fulfill my sexual needs? Is feeling sexually satisfied worth the price of giving up what we have together? And no, for those who will ask if he is willing to do something about it. We just can't even talk about it. And no, neither one of us is having an affair. I am just lost and afraid if the opportunity presented itself, I would do something that would later regret.
Here is the problem. (bolded above). Have you tried? If you have been in a relationship this long and he's not willing to talk, or you don't know how to approach the subject perhaps it's time to seek out counseling to re-learn how to communicate with one another.
If you have an issue, you HAVE to be able to talk about it no matter how big or how small. You said before that your weight was a turn off for him - how do you know that? Did he communicate that to you? If he did, then you need to communicate it to him that you are not satisfied with the sex part of your relationship and that something has to change.
I've been in your shoes. I was married to a man who turned out to be just a friend. He was not interested in me sexually at all. I was married to him for 37 years. It destroyed my self esteem. I blamed myself for his problems.
One day I woke up and figured out it WAS HIS PROBLEM. I couldn't fix him, believe me I tried, but I could change me. Whenever we talked about sex, he would always tell me he would change. Well he never did. Finally in 1998 I gave him 10 more years to fix whatever needed to be fixed so we could have a normal relationship. Doctors, counselling, whatever he needed. We had plenty of money. I told him I would participate fully. I was going to have a sexual relationship before I kicked the bucket. What did he do? Nothing.
In 2008, I left him and moved 2500 miles away. He never believed I would do it. He still says all I have to do is say the word and he will come home. He is a good man and I miss him. I will always care about him but he wasn't capable of being a mate, a husband.
I'm a bit geeky and I did plenty of research on sexless marriage. I had to do something with all that time I wasn't using for sexual activities. There are 40 MILLION people in sexless marriages right now. They are ashamed to talk about it. Here's the sad part, most of these people can't change. There's a lot of psychology to this whole mess and most of it goes back to their parents and that relationship.
Here's the real question. If you assume your SO isn't going to change, are you going to be happy with that kind of a relationship? If you are, great. If not, get out now and salvage the rest of your life. Don't wait like I did. All you are going to get is older and less marketable. You have to talk to him and tell him. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings.
For me, lightning struck and I got lucky. I found the love of my life. Believe me, I felt like a geriatric virgin and was worried if I was even capable of responding sexually. Now I have a man who is really a MAN, and he loves sex. Sex with me even! I never thought there was a real chance. That at my advanced age, I could have a real sex life with a man who loves me. I love my life now and I can't stop kicking myself for tolerating that BS for all those years. But if I had left decades ago, I would never have met the kind loving man who shares my life today. In the end, it's all good.
For me, lightning struck and I got lucky. I found the love of my life. Believe me, I felt like a geriatric virgin and was worried if I was even capable of responding sexually. Now I have a man who is really a MAN, and he loves sex.
With you, darling, what's not to love?
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
Sex with me even!
Oh, listen to that! I'm the one who should be saying, "She even loves sex. Sex with me, even!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
I never thought there was a real chance. That at my advanced age, I could have a real sex life with a man who loves me.
Shows what you knew.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
I love my life now and I can't stop kicking myself for tolerating that BS for all those years. But if I had left decades ago, I would never have met the kind loving man who shares my life today.
You probably would have met someone better----nah, better not go there! I've learned the hard way about looking the gift horse in the mouth. You look the gift horse in the mouth and you end up going down the tube to the horse's ass . . . which you'll see in your own mirror for looking there in the first place.
The gift here is you, darling. I'm just the lucky man who had the honour of receiving the gift. And still has the honour.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
In the end, it's all good.
And in your case, m'lady, the end isn't even close to being near. (It was pretty damn good in the beginning, too . . . and you've actually done the impossible. You've improved on perfection!)
Here is the problem. (bolded above). Have you tried? If you have been in a relationship this long and he's not willing to talk, or you don't know how to approach the subject perhaps it's time to seek out counseling to re-learn how to communicate with one another.
If you have an issue, you HAVE to be able to talk about it no matter how big or how small. You said before that your weight was a turn off for him - how do you know that? Did he communicate that to you? If he did, then you need to communicate it to him that you are not satisfied with the sex part of your relationship and that something has to change.
I read somewhere that one's partner is the person that one is LEAST likely to talk about sex with.
I've been in your shoes. I was married to a man who turned out to be just a friend. He was not interested in me sexually at all. I was married to him for 37 years. It destroyed my self esteem. I blamed myself for his problems.
One day I woke up and figured out it WAS HIS PROBLEM. I couldn't fix him, believe me I tried, but I could change me. Whenever we talked about sex, he would always tell me he would change. Well he never did. Finally in 1998 I gave him 10 more years to fix whatever needed to be fixed so we could have a normal relationship. Doctors, counselling, whatever he needed. We had plenty of money. I told him I would participate fully. I was going to have a sexual relationship before I kicked the bucket. What did he do? Nothing.
In 2008, I left him and moved 2500 miles away. He never believed I would do it. He still says all I have to do is say the word and he will come home. He is a good man and I miss him. I will always care about him but he wasn't capable of being a mate, a husband.
I'm a bit geeky and I did plenty of research on sexless marriage. I had to do something with all that time I wasn't using for sexual activities. There are 40 MILLION people in sexless marriages right now. They are ashamed to talk about it. Here's the sad part, most of these people can't change. There's a lot of psychology to this whole mess and most of it goes back to their parents and that relationship.
Here's the real question. If you assume your SO isn't going to change, are you going to be happy with that kind of a relationship? If you are, great. If not, get out now and salvage the rest of your life. Don't wait like I did. All you are going to get is older and less marketable. You have to talk to him and tell him. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings.
For me, lightning struck and I got lucky. I found the love of my life. Believe me, I felt like a geriatric virgin and was worried if I was even capable of responding sexually. Now I have a man who is really a MAN, and he loves sex. Sex with me even! I never thought there was a real chance. That at my advanced age, I could have a real sex life with a man who loves me. I love my life now and I can't stop kicking myself for tolerating that BS for all those years. But if I had left decades ago, I would never have met the kind loving man who shares my life today. In the end, it's all good.
That is great!
I am glad that it finally worked out for you.
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