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Old 09-01-2010, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,042,435 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
OK, so getting back to work is fine too. That's a hell of a lot better than making 7 posts on a thread topic/poster you already dubbed a waste of time.

Personally I would never sacrifice precious moments of my life posting repeatedly on a thread topic I found a waste of time. I find this topic interesting, but of course it's about my sex life. I can't imagine I'd be all over a thread about yours. No offense, I just wouldn't be interested enough to even read it.
Nah, anybody's love life is more interesting than work!
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Old 09-01-2010, 01:52 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,652,769 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Nah, anybody's love life is more interesting than work!
Well I've certainly had jobs like that before, so I can't fault you there!
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Old 09-01-2010, 02:38 PM
 
1,156 posts, read 2,377,153 times
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Just my take on this, and I'm sure this will p*ss off a lot of people. I've done the "younger man" relationship--11 years younger, so not a ghastly age difference, but still enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Just my own personal experience with this is that when you have a younger man and an older woman, money does come into play. The guy I was with made just as much money as I did, probably a little more. However, he expected me to "pay up." When he crashed my car and insurance wouldn't pay, he told me, "It's not like you don't have the money to fix it."

"You have the money." I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say that. Yes, it was true, Ihad the money saved. Well, yeah, so did he. He just wanted someone else to spend it, and women his age weren't as financially solvent as he was, hence he was always disgruntled about having to pick up his end of the deal. It took me $10K to realize that this man was draining me dry. Now, could be that he'd be the same way had he been my own age. But, his mindset was that because I'd been in the workforce a decade longer than he had, I "had the money to pay for it."

"Cougars" are the female equivalent of "sugar daddies," to my mind. Both are loathesome titles. We have to admit that to ourselves. I'm sure that this isn't the case across the board, and there are some exceptions. The parents of my dearest college friend had a 15-year difference between them--his mother was older. But, it was a beautiful romance and marriage, up until the time he died. She died shortly afterward ... I suspect of a broken heart. I would never classify this as a "cougar" relationship. His mother was a stay-at-home wife all her life, and his dad took the lead as breadwinner and major decision-maker. The age difference between them was never evident, physically. They both aged gracefully and handsomely.

But I really believe that couples like the above, who really love each other, are the exception to the rule. Older women who fall into this "cougar" trap need to really look at why the younger man is with them. Similarly, older men who want sweet young things need to do the same. If it's a man's youthfulness, vigor, maleability, and whatever else that's common to a man in his 20's, think twice. Think three times, four, five, six. If having sex with a younger man floats your boat, why not? But realize that it's probably only sex and that there likely is a financial component going on. Older women in their 40s and 50s who are barely hanging on financially do not attract young men, as a general rule--and vice versa. I generally don't want a man in his early 60s, two decades older than me, no matter how much money he has. That would be a tough sell.
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Old 09-01-2010, 02:54 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,652,769 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
Just my take on this, and I'm sure this will p*ss off a lot of people. I've done the "younger man" relationship--11 years younger, so not a ghastly age difference, but still enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Just my own personal experience with this is that when you have a younger man and an older woman, money does come into play. The guy I was with made just as much money as I did, probably a little more. However, he expected me to "pay up." When he crashed my car and insurance wouldn't pay, he told me, "It's not like you don't have the money to fix it."

"You have the money." I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say that. Yes, it was true, Ihad the money saved. Well, yeah, so did he. He just wanted someone else to spend it, and women his age weren't as financially solvent as he was, hence he was always disgruntled about having to pick up his end of the deal. It took me $10K to realize that this man was draining me dry. Now, could be that he'd be the same way had he been my own age. But, his mindset was that because I'd been in the workforce a decade longer than he had, I "had the money to pay for it."

"Cougars" are the female equivalent of "sugar daddies," to my mind. Both are loathesome titles. We have to admit that to ourselves. I'm sure that this isn't the case across the board, and there are some exceptions. The parents of my dearest college friend had a 15-year difference between them--his mother was older. But, it was a beautiful romance and marriage, up until the time he died. She died shortly afterward ... I suspect of a broken heart. I would never classify this as a "cougar" relationship. His mother was a stay-at-home wife all her life, and his dad took the lead as breadwinner and major decision-maker. The age difference between them was never evident, physically. They both aged gracefully and handsomely.

But I really believe that couples like the above, who really love each other, are the exception to the rule. Older women who fall into this "cougar" trap need to really look at why the younger man is with them. Similarly, older men who want sweet young things need to do the same. If it's a man's youthfulness, vigor, maleability, and whatever else that's common to a man in his 20's, think twice. Think three times, four, five, six. If having sex with a younger man floats your boat, why not? But realize that it's probably only sex and that there likely is a financial component going on. Older women in their 40s and 50s who are barely hanging on financially do not attract young men, as a general rule--and vice versa. I generally don't want a man in his early 60s, two decades older than me, no matter how much money he has. That would be a tough sell.
I'm sorry you spent $10k on a man, but don't you have take personal responsibility for that? I would say the same if he were 10 years older. As I keep saying, takers need a giver. If you are going to give, you can't place the blame on the person who takes.

Personally I don't give men money, nor do I extend payday loans. I never have, and as a result I've never been burned. (Well... lets just say we aren't counting my marriage. )
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:20 PM
 
1,156 posts, read 2,377,153 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I'm sorry you spent $10k on a man, but don't you have take personal responsibility for that? I would say the same if he were 10 years older. As I keep saying, takers need a giver. If you are going to give, you can't place the blame on the person who takes.
I have to take responsibility for it--I absolutely had no choice. When you loan someone you love your car to run to the store, you expect that they'll do the right thing by you. This essentially showed me what this person was made of. But, I also don't think that this would have happened with an older man. As I said, this guy was of the mind that because I'd worked longer, I had more money to spend, and nothing about that was going to change even though I tried to explain it numerous times.

I think that anyone who gets involved with another person with underlying financial motive of any kind exhibits a certain degree of sociopathy, be it a young woman/older man or young man/older woman.
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:30 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,923,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post

I think that anyone who gets involved with another person with underlying financial motive of any kind exhibits a certain degree of sociopathy, be it a young woman/older man or young man/older woman.
What??????? So you got involved with a person with an underlying financial motive, which makes you a sociopath by your own definition...which all translates into a warning against relationships where the woman is older than the man...which then ties into the OP's non-money-motivated situation why, again? ETA: Oh, I see. It's the way the sentence was worded that threw me off. You're saying anyone who hooks up with an older person with an underlying financial motive is a sociopath. And this would pertain only to May/December relationships why, again? Also...you weren't 40 with him being 17 or 18 or something. Now THAT I could see...a 35-year-old man marrying a 70-year-old rich woman or something, etc...

I mean I'm very sorry for what happened to you, but...basically, the info you've given could just as logically tie into "...and that's why you should NEVER get involved with men who have brown hair!" That would be about as much of a correlation. If this man was a "sociopath," then he was...regardless of whether he was younger than you, older than you or was born on the same day and had his little isolette right next to yours in the hospital nursery. Unless you have a better explanation as to why you "believe" this maniac treated you like utter dirt, crashed your car and bleated repeatedly for money than that it was because he was younger than you. Or...any explanation. Because I mean again...we're not talking about him being some 16-year-old kid or something and you being 45 and therefore obviously having more money. (???) I'm confused.

Last edited by JerZ; 09-01-2010 at 03:41 PM..
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:43 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,652,769 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
I have to take responsibility for it--I absolutely had no choice. When you loan someone you love your car to run to the store, you expect that they'll do the right thing by you. This essentially showed me what this person was made of. But, I also don't think that this would have happened with an older man. As I said, this guy was of the mind that because I'd worked longer, I had more money to spend, and nothing about that was going to change even though I tried to explain it numerous times.

I think that anyone who gets involved with another person with underlying financial motive of any kind exhibits a certain degree of sociopathy, be it a young woman/older man or young man/older woman.
This really does not seem like you have taken responsibility for what you did at all.

As soon as I learned that he "was of the mind that because I'd worked longer, I had more money to spend," I would have ended the relationship. You chose to stay in it. You chose to lend him your car (which should have been fully insured, or else you shouldn't have lent it) and you chose to keep writing those checks. As soon as you knew he felt entitled to your money, you should have dumped him. But you didn't... so consider that $10k a tough price to pay for a much-needed lesson.
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:45 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,923,411 times
Reputation: 26919
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post

"You have the money." I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say that.
And you stayed after the first time? Look, I've had dates cry poverty (when they were obviously not poor at all) and they were my age or older. A dirtbag is a dirtbag and should be dropped accordingly. Whether male or female, young or older. Someone snottily saying to me, "YOU have the money" would have me running. And I would expect, and hope, for his sake, that if I ever suffered some sort of brain damage that made me whine "YOU have the money...you pay" to a date (at least in my dating days...I'm married currently) then I'd hope my date would run just as fast.

The problem wasn't the guy's age. It was his character, combined with your willingness to feel guilty and end up "paying up," for whatever your own reasons are (we're none of us perfect).

This just wasn't a great example of why older women and younger men shouldn't hook up.
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:59 PM
 
1,156 posts, read 2,377,153 times
Reputation: 1435
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
And you stayed after the first time? Look, I've had dates cry poverty (when they were obviously not poor at all) and they were my age or older. A dirtbag is a dirtbag and should be dropped accordingly. Whether male or female, young or older. Someone snottily saying to me, "YOU have the money" would have me running. And I would expect, and hope, for his sake, that if I ever suffered some sort of brain damage that made me whine "YOU have the money...you pay" to a date (at least in my dating days...I'm married currently) then I'd hope my date would run just as fast.

The problem wasn't the guy's age. It was his character, combined with your willingness to feel guilty and end up "paying up," for whatever your own reasons are (we're none of us perfect).

This just wasn't a great example of why older women and younger men shouldn't hook up.
It DID send me running, trust me. You think I gave him the time of day after I figured it out? It's not like I noticed this from Day One. I didn't discover this until we were already living together, and believe me, extracting myself was very difficult, as he continued to bother me for a long time afterward.

What I'm trying to get across here--and that i don't feel that i am--is that I know this man wouldn't have expected me to pay for the car he wrecked had I been his age or younger than him. He admitted as much: Women his age and younger don't have as much money as I do. And I purportedly have all of this money because I'd been working longer and am older. Hence, his flawed reasoning.

Hey, you think I'm in total denial about being taken by this guy? I'm not, and it's never going to happen again, because I'm a) not going to date younger men who don't understand how and why money is saved and who assumes that older women have it to fritter away; and b) I'm going to ask very pointed questions.
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Old 09-01-2010, 04:04 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,923,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post

Hey, you think I'm in total denial about being taken by this guy? I'm not, and it's never going to happen again, because I'm a) not going to date younger men who don't understand how and why money is saved and who assumes that older women have it to fritter away; and b) I'm going to ask very pointed questions.
I don't think you're in total denial about him. I just think your story, while sad and heartwrenching, doesn't really apply to the point of the thread. But yes, anyone who suspects financial motives in a mate would probably do well to leave the relationship...be it a man, a woman, a sibling who plays a guilt trip; anybody at all.
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