Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And that is all right, Ms. Pitt. That is not how I would want a marriage. If you want one like that, and your spouse agrees, good on ya.
Well it just happened to work out that he wants the same thing but does not always make the right choices to get there. Its kinda clear cut with diet stuff because there is a huge range of flexibility. Learning to eat right is hard for some. Especially if they grew up in a house that had all the bad habits.
If he was dead set on being a fat guy and staying there because he liked it...I know it would be a personality thing that would bleed into other areas.
But I have to say less and less as he makes the good habits, his habits.
I liked a lecture I saw on what it takes to become a successful business is to create an objective and stick to it. I think marriage is like that. Our objectives match and he FINALLY caught up on some maturity issues.
We also had the truthful convo of: Well did you like it better when I was fat? To which he said "no". And then I asked him "why do you think I would like you fat"? And he just started laughing. It was one of those turning points where he started to stick to his exercise more. He stopped acting like every choice was a battle. I did not say it off the bat because its a little blunt and cruel. But I had pms...LOL
"How is describing the consequences of one's behavior the sign of a callous heart? If you tell someone they're smoking will turn off others and cause them to be alone, does that mean you have a callous heart? No. You're just informing them what will result from their behavior."
This thread is about whether to tell your spouse their overweight. As Avienne pointed out, people who are overweight already know that. So there's no need to inform them that they are. But they may not be aware of the result of that. The overweight person may not realize his or her weight is turning off their partner. Why? Because he's still there. He hasn't left and he hasn't said anything to suggest that he's turned off by her weight. Smokers know that smoking kills. So you don't need to inform them of that. But I know a lot of smokers who don't think it's a big turnoff. Why? Because they find plenty of other smokers.
But the post I was responding to claims that it's callous to tell people of something they or may not already know. So I guess it's callous for a doctor to tell his patient that they need to lose weight.
"How is describing the consequences of one's behavior the sign of a callous heart? If you tell someone they're smoking will turn off others and cause them to be alone, does that mean you have a callous heart? No. You're just informing them what will result from their behavior."
But its true ?
A lot of people get turned off by smokers. Its not good for you anyway. I personally would talk about how I quit and what it does for the skin though.
I don't think its good to have to walk on eggshells around your s.o.
It starts the rift of emotional connection and is a breeding ground for passive aggressive behavior.
I may not have been married to the person, but the point is that I didn't avoid a difficult subject just because I was afraid my partner would be offended.
I understand, but you were willing to risk offending her, even if it meant she broke up with you. If you were married, breaking up is divorce. Not as many people are willing to go through that. If your choices are a) a fat wife or b) divorce, of course you're going to want c) that she goes on a diet and slims down. But c) is not your choice-it's her choice. So "slim down or I'll divorce you," no matter how lovingly couched, does not always bring about option c), and if you didn't really want a divorce anyway, then what?
I don't think its good to have to walk on eggshells around your s.o.
It starts the rift of emotional connection and is a breeding ground for passive aggressive behavior.
Exactly. This whole idea that you can't talk about certain things with your spouse is just begging for problems. You can't stand your wife's smoking. But you can't say anything either. So you now you have to just sit there and act passive-aggressive, hoping they figure out why you're not attracted to them anymore. Yeah, what a healthy relationship that is.
Someone who wants to stay obese needs therapy. Not a diet. That is a disorder just the same as anorexia. Would you let your anorexic wife starve herself to death while you watched?
I don't think so!
Also there are chemical changes that happen in the body on both ends of the spectrum that will induce that negative self harming behavior.
Exactly. This whole idea that you can't talk about certain things with your spouse is just begging for problems. You can't stand your wife's smoking. But you can't say anything either. So you now you have to just sit there and act passive-aggressive, hoping they figure out why you're not attracted to them anymore. Yeah, what a healthy relationship that is.
Thats how I see it too. I personally quit smoking for him. It wasn't good for me but him hating it was the main reason I made the choice to quit. Seeing my skin improve I guess was my love karma.
Damn, instead of picking up an additional post for the multi-quote, I gave an unintentional rep to a post I hate!
Ditto.
I know what you're talking about as I was on steroids, too, not long ago, and I was terrified by other people's stories about the side effects. I was either lucky or some of the numerous things I did to try not to gain weight helped, but I didn't gain much and I lost half of it. I'd be happy to lose another 3-5 lbs., but that's not the end of the world by any means. I didn't even buy next-size clothes.
However, the thought of becoming somebody other than myself physically in so many disgusting ways was killing me. I was already divorced. As many of you know, appearance is important to me, whether it's mine or somebody else's or whether that's shallow or not. Had I become a monster (because it's not only weight gain we're talking about... you know that), I have no idea how I was going to deal with it other than trying to end my life somehow... I can't accept it. I also had no idea how I'd deal with men from now on. Obviously, I would've had to set my eyes only on men who would match the potential new appearance. However, my thinking wouldn't have changed even if my appearance had... Quite frankly, I can't say I'm sure how my ex-husbands would've reacted had we still been together, either... I think both would've stayed, but one was more likely to stay than the other. I'm just speculating, though. In any event, if something like this can be a reason for leaving a spouse, screw that marriage!
I know exactly what you mean. To be honest for someone like myself who was always super healthy and fit ( I can't even blame smoking, eating the wrong stuff, etc... for my cancer) getting ill and gaining weight means I am still grieving for my old self.
I have had to adapt to being somebody different, or should I say even worse the same person in the "wrong" body. Steroids not only made me gain weight but also made me lose all my muscle tone as you basically swell up like a balloon. Oddly enough my face hasn't really changed at all when so many other cancer patients I know just went all "puffy" facially. My features are a little more rounded but remain pretty similar to my pre-cancer days.
And if I say so myself I do have pretty good skin !! Hubby is always proud that people often think me about 10 years younger than my age.
But getting bigger is a big issue when all you have known and a fit and toned body and you have done nothing to get that way. I hate being fat. I really, really do. Mostly because I do not feel in control of my body and because I do not feel healthy and also sadly because people always make so many assumptions about you. You are big therefore you must be lazy and spend your entire days eating cream cakes and stuffing yourself silly. I find it offensive.
Even worse people assume you are stupid and not terribly well educated of your are bigger. It drives me up the wall.
Women are the worst though and the only people to make comments. Men are a lot nicer and more understanding. I do still get chatted up and still get offers from men when I am out on my own so I guess at least to some men I am still not a complete dead loss !
I do think sexy is mostly in the brain though . For me anyway.
Being fat eats into your self esteem but at the end of the day the worst thing is the health aspect of it. If you carry more weight you put more pressure on your heart and other organs, are less mobile and of course more prone to things like diabetes , heart disease etc...
And as a woman being desirable is hugely important which is why having a Husband who finds you sexy love handles and all is pretty crucial ! "More of you to love" he always teases me when I moan about being too big. He is always chasing me around the house so I don't think I have too much to worry on that front anyway !
I have always been a very curvy shape ( even I was ultra slim I have a classic hourglass figure with small waist, wider hips, decent boobs and long legs) and even now this remains... just in larger proportions. I have not become a huge lump of indeterminate shape which maybe helps. Still one day I aim to be back to a more healthy weight, but it might take me a few years at the rate it is taking.
I had 10 years of physical hell with Leukaemia and for the last 12 years ( since my full -touch wood- recovery) am saddled with chronic fatigue syndrome and serious tendon damage in one foot meaning I am basically disabled. Physical exercise is hell. I am constantly exhausted, cannot sleep properly and am in a lot of pain. But you know what ? At the end of the day I survived the worst that was thrown at me and I am still alive.
I have a wonderful man who loves me, fancies me rotten and is more than happy to make love to me and is not repelled by my physical changes. I am not dead , no longer have to worry about what appalling treatment I will have to endure so on the whole being a little larger is pretty inconsequential.
Do I wish I had the body of a Cindy Crawford ? Of course but it ain't going to happen so all I can do is try my best ....
I understand, but you were willing to risk offending her, even if it meant she broke up with you. If you were married, breaking up is divorce. Not as many people are willing to go through that. If your choices are a) a fat wife or b) divorce, of course you're going to want c) that she goes on a diet and slims down. But c) is not your choice-it's her choice. So "slim down or I'll divorce you," no matter how lovingly couched, does not always bring about option c), and if you didn't really want a divorce anyway, then what?
Like I said, everyone has his own rope.
I don't think it's necessary to issue ultimatums where you say "lose weight or I leave." But I see nothing wrong in telling your partner that something they're doing is turning you off. Whether they do anything about it is up to them. But the point is you've at least put it out there. The alternative is, as was pointed out, to become passive aggressive.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
