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Have you ever heard the saying “love is blind (deaf, dumb)”?
We all have heard it, but some of us choose to rise above it. Being blind or deaf doesn't mean you have to hand the jerk your brain cells. Are you proud of being dumb?
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Don't EVEN try to call what you have with that man "love"
That's offensive to people who really do know what love is!
THAT^^ is so true!
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Originally Posted by boodhabunny
I'd call it co-dependent and completely dysfunctional.
BINGO!
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Originally Posted by bustaduke
Yep, and if he's an alcoholic like me that's a big no no if you want him to stay sober.
It was hard for my wife to understand that for me to stay sober I have to live in a sober household.
I'm an alcoholic and I was sober for 19 years. Never touched a drop of alcohol but the torment of being around people who drank finally got to me.
I got tired of being the only one sober and started telling myself that it was not fun being the only one not included in the partying.
That was six years ago and I started drinking again, only this time worse then when I was younger.
I fought drinking for the past six years and tried to quit over and over again. But I failed every time I tried and kept telling my wife that if I was to stay sober she had to also stay sober.
She could not understand why she had to quit for me to quit. I would beg her and tell her that I would get mad and give in when I found out she was drinking. I felt that it was not fair to me and that her drinking was my trigger that set me off.
She finally understood and stopped drinking about two years ago and when she quit drinking I was able to quit again.
I know it is not fair to a person who doesn't have a drinking problem but what I tried to explain to her was that if I had a drinking problem, she also has a problem being my spouse.
I know it's a ***** living with an alcoholic but in order to stay sober I have to live in a sober household and that means living with a non drinking spouse.
busta
Kudos to you, Busta.
You're exactly right, Busta. Whether it's a food addiction, smoking, or drinking/drugs, in order to change the addiction, one has to change their environment. Busta did by convincing his wife to stop drinking along with him - different environment. I quit smoking on a cruise. Your b/f (if you insist on calling him that) is trying to give up food AND his drug of choice. BUT
NONE OF THAT EXCUSES his being abusive. OR you being abusive/callous. You are obviously both dumb (your choice of phrase) and are calling this co-dependent living together arrangement a relationship of love is proof of your dumb-ness. WAKE up. Coffee's on!
omg..I'm sorry but dude is a d*ck. He disrespects you all the time and you always wonder what you could have done differently. Please break up with him! It's not you, it's him, but you putting up with it is making it you!
He would never ask me to stop anything for him and I would never ask him to stop anything for me.
You wouldn't ask him to stop verbally and emotionally abusing you?
I wonder what ever happened to our self-preservation instinct as we evolved. For the life of me I will never understand why anyone would tolerate that kind of abuse and keep going back for more.
Should I have gone home with him and sat around doing nothing while he was on the team’s website spending no time with me?
Am I a bad girlfriend for knowing this is what the night would consist of and going out instead?
AM I supposed to stop living my life the way I choose to because he has decided he is going to cut out things from his?
It’s not like I dragged the people who were with us back to my place and told them they could party there, I went out. I even slept fully clothed on our couch so I wouldn’t wake him when I came home.
I appreciate you listening to my rants.
As I have said before AC, sometimes I just want someone to listen, not necessarily even any advice at all – although in this case I was just so confused I needed an outsider’s perspective. I don’t feel comfortable with talking to “real life” people about this stuff. A lot of my friends and family are biased.
It's unfortunate you are so helpless. You remind me of women in India, stuck with their husbands. I love my late father, but he was a chauvinist in his own right. Today people get taken aback at the amount of affection I shower on my mom. It's all my inner demons of seeking to amend her hardships in her youth.
In India, I started a college fund with other kids to remove the women from such households. Today its membership stands hundreds. Unfortunately, I've left the country.
But one day I'll be rich enough to carry it out in a larger scale. I left the country with several unfulfilled vows.
Ok let me make one thing clear: he is not an alcoholic.
Just because someone is going easy on drinking - I never said he was giving up - it doesn’t mean they had a problem to begin with.
He is dieting and just trying to do more right by his body, and that INCLUDES cutting out alcohol/not going out and partying all night. He doesn’t have a problem with it at all. In fact I think he even had a few quiet beers when he went home alone.
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Originally Posted by Jill61
You wouldn't ask him to stop verbally and emotionally abusing you?
He thinks he has a right. He believes if I am going to disrespect/insult/offend him, he has a right to speak to me like garbage because in his eyes I am treating him just as badly – and unfortunately he has moulded me into believing that’s true. Do you believe in an eye for an eye?
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Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka
Today people get taken aback at the amount of affection I shower on my mom. It's all my inner demons of seeking to amend her hardships in her youth.
Same with me. My dad was abusive towards my mom both verbally and physically. I remember even as a child, yelling at her to leave him, much the same as you guys are doing now with me.
He thinks he has a right. He believes if I am going to disrespect/insult/offend him, he has a right to speak to me like garbage because in his eyes I am treating him just as badly – and unfortunately he has moulded me into believing that’s true. Do you believe in an eye for an eye?
Same with me. My dad was abusive towards my mom both verbally and physically. I remember even as a child, yelling at her to leave him, much the same as you guys are doing now with me.
I think with these responses that you have unconsciously sought out a relationship much like the one between your mother and your father in your childhood. You need to break that cycle and not spend any time in the future with men like your father.
I think you need some real help from a psychologist or a therapist of some kind to help you see the blind spots in your thinking and reasoning about men and relationships. So that you don't repeat the drama of your childhood. You're repeating it right now.
Last edited by cricket_factor; 09-14-2010 at 07:53 PM..
Same with me. My dad was abusive towards my mom both verbally and physically. I remember even as a child, yelling at her to leave him, much the same as you guys are doing now with me.
And this is why you are the way you are now. You need to get a spine and walk out on this guy. You might not be perfect, but NO one has the right to belittle you and make you feel worthless. No one is worth all that crap to put up with. You should look at yourself in the mirror and "say i deserve better then this" 100 times. And once you believe it....then act it and walk out. Your bf is simply put it a douchebag who needs to have some crack some hard object across his face .
Same with me. My dad was abusive towards my mom both verbally and physically. I remember even as a child, yelling at her to leave him, much the same as you guys are doing now with me.
DING, DING, DING, DING - WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS!
THIS is why you put up with all his crap honey - it feels "familiar" and "normal" to you.
Get some therapy ASAP and break free of the unhealthy way you are choosing to live!!!
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