How to deal with guilt... (family, people, break up, alone)
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Arranged marriages are vastly different from those in which we chose our mate. She knew nothing of this man outside of him being selected for her. No talking on the phone for hours getting to know each other, no months/years of dating, living together, falling in love and knowing the feeling of euphoria that comes from finding the right one. So to me it puts a different spin on the allegiance I would feel to "come clean" after all these years. The man she married was no more of a husband than a stranger when speaking in terms of being in love with him. It was a legal union spawned from tradition and I certainly understand tradition but she needs to be able to forgive herself. She experienced an opportunity to feel love for a man again, if only for one night. She needs to give herself that experience and own it.
I don't know what the dynamics of her marriage is know but there is alot more at stake NOW than it was 5 1/2 years ago. She has a child to think of and if there was ever a time to tell, it would have been long ago. I'm afraid by keeping it secret all these years only to reveal it now would not give her a sense of relief but increase the level of distrust and anger her husband would feel towards her ten fold.
I hope you are able to get her to understand what is at stake and what she stands to lose. Is it worth it? IMO, never tell. Live life, raise her daugther and leave the past just where it's been for the past 5 1/2 years.
Arranged marriages are vastly different from those in which we chose our mate. She knew nothing of this man outside of him being selected for her. No talking on the phone for hours getting to know each other, no months/years of dating, living together, falling in love and knowing the feeling of euphoria that comes from finding the right one. So to me it puts a different spin on the allegiance I would feel to "come clean" after all these years. The man she married was no more of a husband than a stranger when speaking in terms of being in love with him. It was a legal union spawned from tradition and I certainly understand tradition but she needs to be able to forgive herself. She experienced an opportunity to feel love for a man again, if only for one night. She needs to give herself that experience and own it.
I don't know what the dynamics of her marriage is know but there is alot more at stake NOW than it was 5 1/2 years ago. She has a child to think of and if there was ever a time to tell, it would have been long ago. I'm afraid by keeping it secret all these years only to reveal it now would not give her a sense of relief but increase the level of distrust and anger her husband would feel towards her ten fold.
I hope you are able to get her to understand what is at stake and what she stands to lose. Is it worth it? IMO, never tell. Live life, raise her daugther and leave the past just where it's been for the past 5 1/2 years.
I don't know i mean i remember reading a dear abby once about a woman who's husband was dying of cancer and he admitted he cheated once 40 years ago. She was so devastated she said....she let him die alone. So you never can say what they will do.
This situation is about my very best friend, Heena. I have known her since childhood. I will cut down the story and give you all the key points; perhaps I will get some advices about what to do. Thanks for listening..
We are from a very conservative society; in the sense that, sex before marriage is looked down up on (like I said, extremely conservative society). But as you all know, nothing will stop the teenagers anyway. My friend was in love with a man, this is about 10 years ago. They intended to get married but the guy asked her to change her religion to his religion post marriage. My friend refused (rightly so). Anyway, by then she was already in a full fledged relationship with this guy for more than 5 years but broke up after that religion-thingy came up.
She got married soon after; an arranged marriage. I think she was still very vulnerable at that time to be married but never mind now. She got married about 5 and half years ago. Her husband was living in a different country and she in another waiting for her visa. Unfortunately, she ended up meeting her ex-boyfriend again and she slept with him, literally less than 1 month post marriage. She was drunk...I know a lame excuse. That’s what I told her but yes, she slept with him once about 5 and half years ago. Since then she never met that ex-BF again and never cheated on her husband again.
She got her visa, joined her husband and never told about this one-night-stand because she was afraid that this would end up in a divorce.
Now...since that day she once cheated on him (close to 6 years ago actually), she had been feeling guilty about it. Now she has 2 year old daughter and is happily married otherwise...
At this point of time, is it advisable for her to tell about her one-night-stand which has happened all those years ago? I think not but she isn’t listening. How should she go about this?
How should anyone deal with this guilt?
Tell your friend that she can't go back and change what happened in the past. She needs to quit beating herself up over this and find a way to move on and forgive herself.
One of the AA 12 steps is to make amends and ask for forgiveness from others who you have hurt in the past UNLESS the amends hurt the person or cause damage to them.
People who carry this kind of guilt often have a reason for doing so. Perhaps she isn't as happily married as she wants to be which causes her to think of this other guy a lot which is causing her ongoing guilt. Or maybe not. All I know is I rarely, if ever, think back to things I did and feel bad if it didn't cause harm to anyone. She obviously isn't fully invested in the present and future if this thing in the past is such a problem.
^^^^ As Book Lover says, it would be a selfish move -- to relieve her own guilt at the expense of her husband's feelings. It would serve no purpose other than to make her feel better, and I doubt it would do that either.
Maybe there's something else she could do for her husband that she wouldn't otherwise want to do -- as a sort of self-imposed punishment. As another poster mentioned, Catholics can be absolved from their sins by their priest, but he also gives them a penance to perform -- punishment if you like. In this case it's usually a few prayers, but for voluntary penance it could be something she does FOR her husband -- even if it's only prayers for him. (Personally, I could think of things I'd prefer over prayer from my wife.)
I still think honesty is the best policy. BUT..... it was one time, a LONG time ago, they have a kid now. Let sleeping dogs lie (or however that saying goes). But normally, I believe you sleep better at night just being an honest person.
Thanks all. I showed this thread to her. She is convinced now that telling her hubby about this is a very very bad idea.
I told her that she will slowly needs to start forgiving herself as a healing process.
No, its not her real name.
It is selfish to unburden yourself and pass all that unhappiness over to your spouse. The guilt is her cross to bear.
I agree. I don't agree with the people who say, "Oh well, it was in the past, time to forgive herself and move on." If she feels guilt, then she feels it. She may never get over it. It IS a cross to bear, one that she put on her own shoulders. Her punishment is having to deal with it. Maybe she will move past the guilt, maybe not. Either way, the onus is on her.
She should not destroy her marriage and break up her family over a past mistake. Leave it in the past and deal with it.
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