Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:12 PM
 
395 posts, read 1,284,020 times
Reputation: 186

Advertisements

This situation is about my very best friend, Heena. I have known her since childhood. I will cut down the story and give you all the key points; perhaps I will get some advices about what to do. Thanks for listening..

We are from a very conservative society; in the sense that, sex before marriage is looked down up on (like I said, extremely conservative society). But as you all know, nothing will stop the teenagers anyway. My friend was in love with a man, this is about 10 years ago. They intended to get married but the guy asked her to change her religion to his religion post marriage. My friend refused (rightly so). Anyway, by then she was already in a full fledged relationship with this guy for more than 5 years but broke up after that religion-thingy came up.

She got married soon after; an arranged marriage. I think she was still very vulnerable at that time to be married but never mind now. She got married about 5 and half years ago. Her husband was living in a different country and she in another waiting for her visa. Unfortunately, she ended up meeting her ex-boyfriend again and she slept with him, literally less than 1 month post marriage. She was drunk...I know a lame excuse. That’s what I told her but yes, she slept with him once about 5 and half years ago. Since then she never met that ex-BF again and never cheated on her husband again.

She got her visa, joined her husband and never told about this one-night-stand because she was afraid that this would end up in a divorce.

Now...since that day she once cheated on him (close to 6 years ago actually), she had been feeling guilty about it. Now she has 2 year old daughter and is happily married otherwise...

At this point of time, is it advisable for her to tell about her one-night-stand which has happened all those years ago? I think not but she isn’t listening. How should she go about this?
How should anyone deal with this guilt?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:16 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,839,973 times
Reputation: 1740
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakhi View Post
This situation is about my very best friend, Heena. I have known her since childhood. I will cut down the story and give you all the key points; perhaps I will get some advices about what to do. Thanks for listening..

We are from a very conservative society; in the sense that, sex before marriage is looked down up on (like I said, extremely conservative society). But as you all know, nothing will stop the teenagers anyway. My friend was in love with a man, this is about 10 years ago. They intended to get married but the guy asked her to change her religion to his religion post marriage. My friend refused (rightly so). Anyway, by then she was already in a full fledged relationship with this guy for more than 5 years but broke up after that religion-thingy came up.

She got married soon after; an arranged marriage. I think she was still very vulnerable at that time to be married but never mind now. She got married about 5 and half years ago. Her husband was living in a different country and she in another waiting for her visa. Unfortunately, she ended up meeting her ex-boyfriend again and she slept with him, literally less than 1 month post marriage. She was drunk...I know a lame excuse. That’s what I told her but yes, she slept with him once about 5 and half years ago. Since then she never met that ex-BF again and never cheated on her husband again.

She got her visa, joined her husband and never told about this one-night-stand because she was afraid that this would end up in a divorce.

Now...since that day she once cheated on him (close to 6 years ago actually), she had been feeling guilty about it. Now she has 2 year old daughter and is happily married otherwise...

At this point of time, is it advisable for her to tell about her one-night-stand which has happened all those years ago? I think not but she isn’t listening. How should she go about this?
How should anyone deal with this guilt?

*shrugs* it's in the past, leave it in the past.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Incognito
7,005 posts, read 21,256,104 times
Reputation: 5512
How to deal with guilt... ?


With a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:18 PM
 
8,679 posts, read 15,220,173 times
Reputation: 15341
Is she from a culture where there are "honor killings?"

If yes, her life may depend on her keeping her mouth shut--which she should probably do anyway.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:19 PM
 
Location: NW Indiana
44,245 posts, read 19,902,941 times
Reputation: 114946
I agree. She should let it go.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:24 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,839,973 times
Reputation: 1740
Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.cat View Post
how to deal with guilt... ?


With a bottle of jack daniels.

lol.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:24 PM
 
Location: DFW
40,920 posts, read 48,822,759 times
Reputation: 54900
The Catholics have "Confession" in private to a priest to help get past the need to confess.

She needs to never tell her husband. You be her spiritual leader, let her confess to you and then forgive her. We all make stupid mistakes, no use hurting others to make ourselves feel better.

He may not be able to forgive her and it could destroy her now happy life. That would be a high price to pay.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 02:31 PM
 
395 posts, read 1,284,020 times
Reputation: 186
No, she is not from one of those countries of Honor killing (We are from India, relocated over a decade ago) but I know for a fact that this would end up in a divorce if she opens her mouth. Its really sad though. Since it was an arranged marriage, she hardly knew her husband before marriage. Soon after, even before their love or trust is established he had to leave the country because of work commitments. And then she goes to (I was there too) party, got drunk. I called a cab but I couldnt go drop her off. I had no idea that her ex was aso going home with her. If I knew, I would have stopped her then and there as nothing good can come out of night-alone-drunk-with-ex-BF.

I dont know how to do a confession. How does this work?

Edit: thank you all. I am glad that you all also think she should NOT tell anything now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 03:10 PM
 
3,059 posts, read 8,244,374 times
Reputation: 3281
This is really a very sad situation. She has been living with this guilt for six years. Probably not a day goes by when she does not think about it. It is natural that she wants to unburden her soul. She believes she would feel better. And initially, she would. It would give her so much relief. For about 30 seconds.

What your friend needs to grasp before she makes any confession to her husband is that her relief will come at a very high price. This news will NOT be relief to her husband. It will NOT be a relief to their friends and family (because this won't stay a secret). It will not be a relief to her two year old daughter to see mommy and daddy screaming bloody murder at each other. This confession would open a whole huge can of fire-breathing worms.

There are some things that people really just don't want to know. That your spouse had a one-night fling with an ex after the wedding is frequently one of them. She has to envision a weigh scale. On one side is her "otherwise happy marriage" and on the other is chaos.

I feel for her. I wouldn't want to be her having to choose one of two very unhappy options: live with guilt or live with the consequences of confessing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-13-2010, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,295,459 times
Reputation: 40192
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakhi View Post
This situation is about my very best friend, Heena. I have known her since childhood. I will cut down the story and give you all the key points; perhaps I will get some advices about what to do. Thanks for listening..

We are from a very conservative society; in the sense that, sex before marriage is looked down up on (like I said, extremely conservative society). But as you all know, nothing will stop the teenagers anyway. My friend was in love with a man, this is about 10 years ago. They intended to get married but the guy asked her to change her religion to his religion post marriage. My friend refused (rightly so). Anyway, by then she was already in a full fledged relationship with this guy for more than 5 years but broke up after that religion-thingy came up.

She got married soon after; an arranged marriage. I think she was still very vulnerable at that time to be married but never mind now. She got married about 5 and half years ago. Her husband was living in a different country and she in another waiting for her visa. Unfortunately, she ended up meeting her ex-boyfriend again and she slept with him, literally less than 1 month post marriage. She was drunk...I know a lame excuse. That’s what I told her but yes, she slept with him once about 5 and half years ago. Since then she never met that ex-BF again and never cheated on her husband again.

She got her visa, joined her husband and never told about this one-night-stand because she was afraid that this would end up in a divorce.

Now...since that day she once cheated on him (close to 6 years ago actually), she had been feeling guilty about it. Now she has 2 year old daughter and is happily married otherwise...

At this point of time, is it advisable for her to tell about her one-night-stand which has happened all those years ago? I think not but she isn’t listening. How should she go about this?
How should anyone deal with this guilt?

She made a bad choice, a mistake. But it would compound that mistake to now put her daughters security in a stable family at risk by telling her husband all these years later.

Tell her to be a big girl and live with learning how to forgive herself BY HERSELF, or with the help of a spiritual advisor.

Dragging her husband into it now would be cruel and hurtful to him with disasterous results for all 3 of them.

Tell her you don't fix one big mistake with an even bigger mistake
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top