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My wife is constantly throwing temper tantrums where she cusses and throws objects and slams her fist into the wall when she gets angry. This is not behavior that I would want my children to emulate. Any little thing can set her off and she throws these fits about once or twice a week. I try to avoid her as much as possible. She seems to have to learned this behavior growing up in her home where this was considered "normal". I would appreciate advise on how to deal with this.
If your wife has been advised to take an antidepressant she should be taking it, along with seeking some therapy for anger management issues.
If she will not cooperate and take responsbiliity for her bad behavior and mental illness then YOU have to take action to protect your children from such an environment.
I suggest you find your spine immediately and quit letting her get away with refusing treatment.
I speak as an adult who lived life with a father who had horrific anger and temper problems. We never knew which way the wind would blow- when he might tolerate one of us coming up behind him to say "Boo!" or turn around and knock us across the room. He threw things all around the house, cussed at everybody and made life miserable for the whole family.
Consequently we grew up having severe trust issues and other problems. My brother became a drunk and womanizer and died at age 58 without a penny. I fared somewhat better.
I once asked my mother if she knew about his temper before they married and she told me after one particularly bad public scene he told her "I once had a bad temper problem but I keep it mostly under control". She lived with this maniac for 35 years.
I know some meds can help and I know people may want to change but anger management affects the entire family. As the child of a tempermental man I say you should put your kids first and take them out of this situation.
My mother died regreting that she did very little to help us but she was as scared as she could be and depended on him financially.
Document her episodes with tapes, pictures, etc . I don't understand why you think she may get custody unless you are equally as bad a parent.
Please do something soon. She may completely lose it and harm somebody before you know it. Don't wait untill that happens.
And sending her out to work will only set up the kids for her pent up anger when everybody gets home.
Sounds like frustration to me. Without know whats going on in your marriage and relationship to cause it I'll just respond to the little bit you posted. Staying home with small children can push many people over the edge. If she will be happier doing something else then by all means she should.
The fact that you've already thought about divorce and custody tells me there is a whole lot more to all this but it's not for us to know. And you wouldn't be able to tell us without bias anyway.
This sounds similar to what happened to a close friend of mine. She suffered from horrible post-partum depression. Her hormones were completely out of whack and she could barely control her emotional outbursts. This was compounded by the fact that she had agreed to be a stay-at-home mom; but felt like she had no personal identity as a mother like she did as a professional. Most of her friends were professional peers, so had nothing in common with her new motherhood and had started to have less contact with her... she felt abandoned and overwhelmed with noone to turn to and no way to get a break.
In hindsight, she probably wasn't the best candidate to be a parent (by her own admission), but she definitely wasn't a good candidate for a stay-at-home mom. It just wasn't in her make up. She got hormone therapy and antidepressants to control the freaky moodiness, and she sought private counseling. But she also went on a 4 week intensive therapeutic sabbatical away from the children while she got the worst of it under control; and she returned to work full-time when she got back.
In their case, she made enough $$ in her job to support the family as well as her husband could; so he opted to be a stay at home dad which was more appropriate for them. if that hadn't been the case, I think they would have gotten a live-in nanny or au pair rather than resort to temporary sitters or daycare... in the end, I think their research found that all the childcare options cost about the same and having a live-in was more consistent for the kids.
But it is important to note that before her pregnancy, she was a reasonably adjusted well-functioning adult. If she'd been predisposed to violent outbursts or grown up in a family where that was considered normal, I doubt her prognosis would have been as good nor her therapy and treatment as effective. If someone already has a tendency to be a bit unstable, having kids or any stressful change, is likely to only make them worse.
If someone already has a tendency to be a bit unstable, having kids or any stressful change, is likely to only make them worse.
I'm not so sure. I really think a lot of it depends on the clear expectations of the spouse firmly standing his/her ground and not letting bad behavior slide. My sister was one moody person her entire life. She married a man who made it clear that he would not tollerate it. She learned how to control her moods and temper without any professional assistance or medication. She overcame it with the sheer determination to not lose her husband because he set strong boundaries that she knew weren't mere threats. That was over 15 years ago. They're very happily married and have subsequently had four children. The stress of parenting didn't make her go back to her old ways.
I'm not so sure. I really think a lot of it depends on the clear expectations of the spouse firmly standing his/her ground and not letting bad behavior slide. My sister was one moody person her entire life. She married a man who made it clear that he would not tollerate it. She learned how to control her moods and temper without any professional assistance or medication. She overcame it with the sheer determination to not lose her husband because he set strong boundaries that she knew weren't mere threats. That was over 15 years ago. They're very happily married and have subsequently had four children. The stress of parenting didn't make her go back to her old ways.
Your sister sounds like she was more of a "brat" than having a real problem. When you have a real problem, be it emotional, mental, hormonal etc, you can't just stop the "bad behavior". Like I said earlier, it sounds like she needs help. Not only medication and therapy, but she might actually need help around the house and with the kids.
The OP didn't say his wife hits or abuses the kids, and I am not going to assume she does. I think it's terrible to jump straight to "divorce her" or "threaten to divorce her". Seeing how many people constantly call for divorce on this board shows me why the divorce rate is so high.
You don't threaten the people in your family to make them "act right". You work with them and work through things.
I had a very abusive childhood. My whole life I have struggled with anger. Years of therapy for both me and my dad. My father started to read A LOT of self-help books to learn how to 1. control his anger and 2. teach me how to control mine. He worked so hard with me go from a angry and violent child to a young teen that was happy and well adjusted. What he didn't know was while he was gone my step mother would also hit me, slap me in the face and scream at me.
Then I met my EX and a long TOXIC relationship insued, along with having our daughter. Not only did we physically and verbally fight in front of her, but I would lash out at her. I would slam things and break things. SCREAM at her. I started to HATE myself. I would go through these periods of RAGE and then afterwards I would just hold my daughter and bawl my eyes out and tell her how sorry I was.
I saw MY EVIL EVIL bio mother in who I had become. I was DISCUSTED with myself. I had become no better than that horrable woman that brought me into this world. I NEEDED to be stronger and I NEEDED to be a better mother to my daughter. So I left my EX and moved across the country. I have my own self help books, I read and educate myself constantly on diffrent ways to control my anger.
Now I have multipule ways of dealing with my anger or stress.
1. Going to another place, room or area to be alone for a little while (what worked for me before my EX).
2. I have now learned to take slow deep breathes and while I do I say to myself diffrent things "You are stronge, you can be a better woman, you can do this" or "You are better than your mother, don't follow her footsteps". and within a few breaths I am able to release all the anger and tension inside me of.
3. I meditate daily, I no longer own a TV, I listen to peaceful music and enjoy reading.
Your wife needs to make a decision to better herself, its a hard journey to find an inner peace when you have only known violence. It can be done!!! But only she can be the one to take that journey.
If she is not willing to, it is best for you to leave. No child ever deserves this!! I made a promise to my daughter that I would strengthen myself and be the role model she needs and deserves. I also started a journal that I write to my daughter about everything thats gone on in our life, she is only 2 but when she is older she will be able to read through my journal and read about my struggle.
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