What's the best way to deal with an unstable spouse? (how to, marriage)

[Mentat]

My husband’s is very intelligent and is good at almost everything he does. Yet, for someone with so much talent he hasn't live up to his potential in any area, and is, thus, always depressed. The problem is once he masters something, he quickly loses interest and is ready to move on to the next thing. As a result, he's bounced in and out of lots of things all his life, especially careers, jobs, relationships, etc.

When anyone suggests that he not get in and out of things so often, he takes offense and insists on doing things his way. He feels like people just don't "get" him.

What's the best way to show someone like that that he is loved and accepted, without living in a constant state of frustration?

[paganmama80]

Originally Posted by Mentat

My husband’s is very intelligent and is good at almost everything he does. Yet, for someone with so much talent he hasn't live up to his potential in any area, and is, thus, always depressed. The problem is once he masters something, he quickly loses interest and is ready to move on to the next thing. As a result, he's bounced in and out of lots of things all his life, especially careers, jobs, relationships, etc.

When anyone suggests that he not get in and out of things so often, he takes offense and insists on doing things his way. He feels like people just don't "get" him.

What's the best way to show someone like that that he is loved and accepted, without living in a constant state of frustration?

I wonder if he has some form of add? Maybe he should mention this to his doctor?

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by paganmama80

I wonder if he has some form of add? Maybe he should mention this to his doctor?

You described my brother in the original post. I wonder if paganmama is on to something because my brother was just diagnosed with bi-polar disorder a few months ago and has been on medication for it. He seems like a different person, focused, even-tempered, all the good stuff. Something to think about.

[MattB4]

I guess a little more information would be in order. Does your husbands unstableness mean that you are suffering financial hardship? Or is it that you need a more stable life? I am not sure about your question about showing him that he is loved. Is he telling you that he feels unloved for what he is?

If he is depressed that would require the efforts of a medical professional. You yourself probably need a support group if that is the case.

[Mentat]

Originally Posted by paganmama80

I wonder if he has some form of add? Maybe he should mention this to his doctor?

Professional friends think he had/has Asperger's. I suspect he has ADD or ADHD, as well. As a child he was so disruptive and hyperactive that his school wanted his parents to put him on medication. They never did, and he stayed in trouble throughout elementary school.

He refuses to acknowledge that these may be issues that need to be investigated.

[Mentat]

Originally Posted by MattB4

I guess a little more information would be in order. Does your husbands unstableness mean that you are suffering financial hardship?

We are suffering some financial hardship because he doesn't stay at jobs long enough, he doesn't get the promotions that he should get, or have a pension or any decent 401Ks. Also, he spends more than he earns.

Originally Posted by MattB4

Or is it that you need a more stable life?

I would welcome a more stable life. I am sick of not having enough savings and living from paycheck to paycheck. I am very concerned about our financial future.

Originally Posted by MattB4

I am not sure about your question about showing him that he is loved. Is he telling you that he feels unloved for what he is?

He says that I don't "get" him, which makes him feel misunderstood and unloved. He longs for a relationship with more connection. But, honestly, I don't understand some of his choices.

Originally Posted by MattB4

If he is depressed that would require the efforts of a medical professional. You yourself probably need a support group if that is the case.

He is seeing a therapist. We've done the marriage counseling bit a few times. Even the marriage therapists have been challenged and frustrated by him.

[stepka]

Originally Posted by paganmama80

I wonder if he has some form of add? Maybe he should mention this to his doctor?

I agree with this. You say he refuses to face it, but maybe you could get a book about it--one that talks about the positive aspects of AD/HD as well as some of the problems. Good ones are by Hallowell and Ratey, and Thom Hartmann. H & R talk a lot about the gifts and the challenges of AD/HD as well as how to manage it and Thom thinks of it as a personality type that favors a hunter/gather society as opposed to the farmer society we live in now. In other words, our gifts and input are not valued as much as those of a farmer type. H/G need to have an attn span that is all over the place b/c they're always looking out for predators or dinner, but farmers have to be able to stick with one thing for a long period of time w/o letting their attn wander. I like that explanation--it explains my inability to fit in with a sick society, lol.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about AD/HD and many of them are perpetrated by those who have it and don't know it. I have it, am medicated for it, and the meds have not suppressed my originality in any way--they have enabled me to follow thru on some of my dreams though, and proof of that came when I went on a RTW trip with my family about a year after I got dx'ed. It had been a lifelong dream, but I never would have been able to pull it together until I got some help.

While it's impossible to dx anything over the net like this, I'm not so sure about the Asperger's. Aspies tend to get overly focused on certain projects to the exclusion of other equally fascinating things, while those with AD/HD tend to move on quickly from one thing to another. When I say overly focused--I mean it appears that way to others, not to the person with Asperger's. Both have poor concentration skills unless it's a project that really interests them. Both AD/HD and Asperger's can have poor eye contact. Asperger's for sure, and only sometimes with AD/HD--a certain percentage of us have poor social skills and many of us have been shot down so much that we retreat. The meds really help with this.

One thing you need to understand if it turns out that AD/HD is the explanation is that it often comes with a deep sense of shame. You've heard the following expressions so much in your life that you end up feeling like a real loser: "What, you forgot again?" "Why can't you ever finish anything?" "You are so weird!" "Why don't you just put things where you can find them again?" "Can't you ever sit still?" "Can't you ever stop asking questions?" Or you make a new friend at work or at school and things are going great, and then one day you come in and that person isn't talking to you anymore and you have no idea why and if you screw up the courage to ask them, they won't tell you and the friendship is over. You really do feel bad about yourself, which is the worst part of having this, so you might want to read those books first and then approach him carefully. I believe that H & R even have a chapter about how to bring it up with an SO or child.

[MAtheBanker]

Waiting for someone to drop the "D" word...

[Keeper]

It does sound like he has depression probably brought on by bipolar or Aspergers. My DH was depressed and didn't know why he felt like he could do nothing right. Luckily I was able to convince him to go to a doctor. Bipolar runs in his family. His sister has it really bad as does his son.

Maybe you need to talk to his therapist so they will know what you are experiencing

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by Mentat

My husband’s is very intelligent and is good at almost everything he does. Yet, for someone with so much talent he hasn't live up to his potential in any area, and is, thus, always depressed. The problem is once he masters something, he quickly loses interest and is ready to move on to the next thing. As a result, he's bounced in and out of lots of things all his life, especially careers, jobs, relationships, etc.

When anyone suggests that he not get in and out of things so often, he takes offense and insists on doing things his way. He feels like people just don't "get" him.

What's the best way to show someone like that that he is loved and accepted, without living in a constant state of frustration?

Ah, the curse of genius.

How old is he? If he's young, maybe he just hasn't found his groove yet. Some people don't find their true calling until they're nearly 30.

If he's older, like mid-30s and up, it sounds like the man lacks a challenge. It could also be that he's a starter, but not a finisher, like maybe he's a big-picture person, someone who needs to create the concepts or start the businesses, then have other people execute the work.

What he might be lacking is patience, discipline, or know-how in becoming a leader. He may never be satisfied with being a follower or working for someone else, and he may never have one lifelong career or interest. That's okay--he just needs to learn how to channel his energies. I think people are much too quick to bring up "ADHD" and so on.

Honestly? He sounds like someone who might do well as an entrepreneur with businesses in several different industries. I know someone like that. Can't stand the guy personally because he's a bit of an arse (not that your husband is), but he owns a business brokerage and a security company (like rent-a-cops), two completely different animals. Last I heard, he was getting into something else unrelated, too. If he spends too much time on one thing, he gets bored, so he always has another business to check up on, another place to go, another mountain to conquer.

Your husband might do well learning about different industries, then rounding up investors, capital, and workers and doing the same thing. Who knows, maybe you'll end up married to the CEO of a holding company with businesses ranging from bakeries to taxi services.