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Old 12-09-2010, 09:59 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,669 times
Reputation: 13
Your doing nothing wrong.

How does she occupy herself?
As she isn't working, maybe she is bored and thinks her job is to spend money.
She needs to stay busy. Out of trouble. She may resist this as part of the next point.

Perhaps she is fixated on meaningless comparison and empty material desires. Her friend Reiko has a maid. or Neo has that new car. Why doesn't she?
She needs these things to feel she is good. You want to make her happy, but this is an insatiable desire you can never fullfill.
As clear as this is to you and I, she may resent you for it anyway. In her eyes she may see you as letting the family down (but is too "good" of a person to tell you).

these insatiable material desires are a sign of being lost and insecure.
You wouldn't have seen this at the beginning, it surfaces later.
This insecurity is as common as it is sad and ugly.
Yes, even in the most beautiful creatures (if you don't mind me saying so) such as your wife.

Much of happiness is based on expectation, you may want to ask what she was expecting in the relationship - don't be surprised if the response seems irrational and accusatory.
I know you really like her but my gut says you should leave her, don't put on a show for the kids.

P.S. I liked the person's comment that said write a letter to her family (shame), that would in fact work in a way, but it's not our style my friend.

Last edited by ketchup99; 12-09-2010 at 11:00 PM..

 
Old 12-09-2010, 10:20 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
8,749 posts, read 4,112,151 times
Reputation: 12195
Ironically I just did an American (wealthy) / Japanese (adorable) wedding.... and I could see all these things already starting to happen.

Cultural differences and possible motivations aside, you started your relationship being what sounds like, a total subservient checkbook. That's not a building block for a relationship.

Second, you married someone who you had no idea how they managed money. I've been with my BF two months, and it seems I know more about him financially, and him me, than you did when you got married.

I don't know how to save your marriage, I have no idea what's going on in her head. But take the finances back immediately. I'm assuming she has a job? Set out a budget and stick to it. Good luck.
 
Old 12-09-2010, 10:31 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,693 posts, read 15,696,103 times
Reputation: 11862
Screw that, she's taking advantage of you, has nothing to do with her being Japanese.
 
Old 12-09-2010, 10:33 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,693 posts, read 15,696,103 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by ketchup99 View Post
Your doing nothing wrong.

what does she do all day?
As she isn't working, maybe she thinks her job is to spend your money.
She needs to stay busy. out of trouble. She may resist this as part of the next point.

Are her friends married to wealthier men?
perhaps she is fixated on meaningless comparison - thinking: Cheiko has this. or Neo has that.
and why doesn't she.

these strong desires of what others have is sign of being lost and insecure.
You wouldn't have seen this at the beginning, it surfaces later.
Why are so many women so insecure? This ugly trait is common even in the most beautifull.

Much of happiness is based on expectation, you may want to ask what she was expecting in this relationship, but don't be surprised if the response seems irrational and accusatory.

i know you really like her but my gut says you should leave her, don't put on a show for the kids.

P.S. I liked the person's comment that said write a letter to her family (shame), that would infact work in a way, but it's not our style my friend.
If she's so ungrateful, send her ass back to Tokyo, lol jk. I'm not racist or anything.
 
Old 12-10-2010, 12:13 AM
 
Location: LA
1,804 posts, read 2,066,166 times
Reputation: 1059
Yuk--sorry!
 
Old 01-30-2011, 11:31 PM
 
4 posts, read 8,408 times
Reputation: 14
You Becmead San, are having the TYPICAL, and I mean TYPICAL experience experience of Western men married to Japanese women and living in japan. I've been living here since 2001 and I cannot even begin to count how many of my friends and acquaintances are going through this. Especially white men married to Japanese women. The horrible fact is, its hopeless. You, like many men married to japanese women here, did not do your cultural homework here before you got married. so for example: i was fully aware of the tendency for japanese women to not want to have sex or to have you touch them after marriage and especially after having kids. hence I forwarned my wife when we were dating that, homey would not be putn up with that crap. ZERO TOLLERANCE. I made my expectations known before i got married. I made sure my wife knew that i hated the office lady mentality and that she was gonna have to get a great deal of education so she can engage in critical thinking and enhance her communication. in fact, I kicked my wife out of Japan to go and get a graduate degree in the US. told her we would not be married if she didnt do it. But guys like you are nice, thinking its some kind of privilage to be dating and married to japanese women. then after you get married, their village mentality turn around and bites you in the but. as you can tell by now, im not very politically correct. I told my wife that her society is a village, and it is, and that I was not going to adopt a village psyche after living around the world, holding 3 passports, and having being educated at ucla. I made sure she understood that she has to be internationalised in her thinking to marry me. Because, if i have an mba and im marrying someone from a village, im sorry, she will not be doing the money management in the household. But dude, your predicatment is typical. cant tell you how many times i have to listen to my friends with this same problem, all because they didnt empower their japanese wives before marrying them. one advice i have for you: live with your wife in your country for a while. if youre from the US, take her and the fam to the US for a while and get her a western education. we all know that japanse university is crap, nothing is taught there. Moderator cut: No advertising. And prepare for the next stage: You come home one day and shes taken your kids and disappeared, and youll never ever be able to see them again. Trust me, thats next.

Last edited by JustJulia; 03-01-2011 at 08:23 AM.. Reason: Advertising is against the Terms of Service.
 
Old 02-02-2011, 07:04 PM
 
2,529 posts, read 2,472,636 times
Reputation: 1243
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violett View Post
hey I feel some of you are being very unfair to the OP. You all are assuming way too much. You ASSUME that he thought she was dumb, subservient, etc. You all don't know that. From what I read, it seems as though he geniunely cares about his wife and wants to make it work at all costs. I think that's sweet. From what he wrote it seems as though SHE'S the one who played him, though maybe there are some cultural barriers going on that's making communication impossible.

OP, if I were you, I would seek a marriage therapist who is Japanese or is familiar with the norms of Japanese society. If you find such a counselor and your wife refuses to go, you have your answer right there.
Anyone reading the op would assume his wife is a gold digger.

She sounds like one.

OP I'm sorry men.
 
Old 02-02-2011, 07:10 PM
 
2,529 posts, read 2,472,636 times
Reputation: 1243
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLucky View Post
As long as the woman don't abuse it, I don't see why it's wrong for a man to spoil the woman they love.


???

Please be more specific
 
Old 02-02-2011, 07:14 PM
 
2,529 posts, read 2,472,636 times
Reputation: 1243
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becmead View Post
Thanks for your opinions...guess I could have done some things differently during the beginning...like buying a used beat-up car to drive around in instead of the car I had at the time or entertaining in a dump apartment instead of my home...and other things maybe...I travel back to Japan with her and the kids every other year. The kids and her return every year. Asians make up roughly 10% of the the community we live in and she has a large group of Japanese friends. I do think she allows herself to be overly influenced by friends at times...ex: skylight in bathroom ceiling of friends home, wants one in our home, wooden floors in the bedroom of a friends home, wants the same in our bedroom, etc.. I was an athlete in Japan and while there thought I could never get into a serious relationship with a Japanese woman, but as you see that changed. I'm pretty patient and know the relationship will take a lot of work (as mentioned by some of you). Look forward to hearing more...
I guarantee those friends are american.

It seems that your wife has been "tainted."

I have asian friends who come to this country and let met tell you. Their discipline and upbringing flies faster out a window then a meteor hurling at us once they hang around "American women."
 
Old 02-02-2011, 07:47 PM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
14,625 posts, read 8,711,674 times
Reputation: 14928
It really is a shame that in 2011, men are still referencing Asian women as nothing more than geisha-esque sexbots who were created for the sole purpose of providing pleasure to "Western" men.
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