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Old 09-16-2010, 11:25 AM
 
2 posts, read 26,999 times
Reputation: 22
Default American men married to Japanese women

I lived in Japan for years. Studied the language and culture while in Japan. Met a Japanese lady a few years ago. Things were great while dating...didn't start with a plan to get into a serious relationship and actually thought it would become more platonic than anything else. She did all the right things to keep my attention and I did the same...driving her any place she wanted, treating her friends and her to dinners, buying things for her to show I cared...all those things normal guys do to show a lady he respects, appreciates and likes her. A couple of years later, we married and now have beautiful kids. Since getting married, I noticed a constant change in her behavior/attitude. During the beginning, we talked about the money thing...she shared and I was aware that women in Japan are normally responsible for managing the money. I reluctantly agreed to do this and it made me feel good because I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate my awareness of the differences between our cultures and my willingness to change/adjust in a way that would make her happy...meeting her half way. I put my full trust in her to manage the money, bills, etc. Didn't ask to see receipts or anything. Months later, while waiting in a checkout line to make a medium sized purchase, she says...use your credit card...I ask why....she says...because there's no money in the account...I ask..why didn't you tell me before leaving home...she says...pay your own bills. Me..holding it together, standing in the checkout line with a stunned facial expression...in total disbelief. After checking into the situation, I found the account was overdrawn by thousands of dollars. She never told me because she thought she could fix it. How...I don't know. She wasn't working at the time and I wasn't asking because there was no need and I understood the stress of living abroad. So that didn't go well, but the account was cleared and I'm now paying all the bills. As time moved on, she became mentally and physically distant. I shared my need for emotional connection and explained what I would like...hugs, kisses, caressing, etc.. She listens, but doesn't make any lasting changes. The situation escalated to the point where we continued sharing what our needs were to each other and I decided to read the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book as well as other related articles. Skeptical at first, but there were some good points made. I suggested she read it as well and she shared she had already while in Japan (possibly translated differently given the cultural differences). After the reading, I was committed and made sincere attempts to make changes within myself with the belief that they would help her, me, us as a family. I'm a pretty practical guy...not materialistic or anything like that. Made the comment many times to her that what motivates me to do better is her support, emotional and physical connection. Is that asking too much? Getting this wasn't a problem before getting married, but afterwards she started making comments like "don't touch me, complaining about having too much sex and that your emotional needs come from a lack of attention from your mother as a child. Again, trying to better the situation, I recommended sex twice a week. She agreed, but now only provides the minimum...no excitement, no enthusiasm, no motivation to please and a host of complaints. I'm not allowed to touch her while sleeping, which is pretty hard (she's typical Japanese lady...beautiful). There's a section in the book I mentioned that basically says, if parts of a relationship aren't resolved over a period of time, a partner may get to the point where he or she may no longer have the motivation or energy to attempt any longer...I'm starting to feel that way. These days I don't respond much to the lack of emotional connection, etc. and I think she noticed. Over the years, she's had friends divorce and during those times I hoped something would click inside her forcing her to realize that providing a few emotional needs isn't so bad. We've talked about retiring in Japan, but in light of the current situation, I can only imagine it would be worse. The thing is, I love my wife and feel I can stick with the relationship until our kids grow up. So, enough of the proverbial, "crying in my beer". The situation has gotten to the point where I'm actually on a message board seeking objective advice, constructive criticism and comments in general. Comments from a lady's perspective would be great as well. Has anyone had or is having a similar experience? What's going on? If in my position, what would you do? Is this common in general regardless of culture?

 
Old 09-16-2010, 11:58 AM
 
Location: John & Ken-ville
12,715 posts, read 8,520,019 times
Reputation: 8327
In case you didn't notice. This may be the root of the problems.

Quote:
Since getting married, I noticed a constant change in her behavior/attitude. During the beginning, we talked about the money thing...she shared and I was aware that women in Japan are normally responsible for managing the money. I reluctantly agreed to do this and it made me feel good because I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate my awareness of the differences between our cultures and my willingness to change/adjust in a way that would make her happy...meeting her half way. I put my full trust in her to manage the money, bills, etc. Didn't ask to see receipts or anything. Months later, while waiting in a checkout line to make a medium sized purchase, she says...use your credit card...I ask why....she says...because there's no money in the account...I ask..why didn't you tell me before leaving home...she says...pay your own bills. Me..holding it together, standing in the checkout line with a stunned facial expression...in total disbelief. After checking into the situation, I found the account was overdrawn by thousands of dollars. She never told me because she thought she could fix it.
You should be aware of what's called "losing face". She thinks you don't respect or trust her for the way she mishandled the money.
 
Old 09-16-2010, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Incognito
6,987 posts, read 12,553,970 times
Reputation: 5270
Sake anyone?
 
Old 09-16-2010, 12:15 PM
Status: "The most sincere pumpkin patch" (set 1 day ago)
 
11,095 posts, read 5,887,150 times
Reputation: 7573
I'll have one.
 
Old 09-16-2010, 12:29 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
20,767 posts, read 17,998,741 times
Reputation: 29032
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becmead View Post
I lived in Japan for years. Studied the language and culture while in Japan. Met a Japanese lady a few years ago. Things were great while dating...didn't start with a plan to get into a serious relationship and actually thought it would become more platonic than anything else. She did all the right things to keep my attention and I did the same...driving her any place she wanted, treating her friends and her to dinners, buying things for her to show I cared...all those things normal guys do to show a lady he respects, appreciates and likes her. A couple of years later, we married and now have beautiful kids. Since getting married, I noticed a constant change in her behavior/attitude. During the beginning, we talked about the money thing...she shared and I was aware that women in Japan are normally responsible for managing the money. I reluctantly agreed to do this and it made me feel good because I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate my awareness of the differences between our cultures and my willingness to change/adjust in a way that would make her happy...meeting her half way. I put my full trust in her to manage the money, bills, etc. Didn't ask to see receipts or anything. Months later, while waiting in a checkout line to make a medium sized purchase, she says...use your credit card...I ask why....she says...because there's no money in the account...I ask..why didn't you tell me before leaving home...she says...pay your own bills. Me..holding it together, standing in the checkout line with a stunned facial expression...in total disbelief. After checking into the situation, I found the account was overdrawn by thousands of dollars. She never told me because she thought she could fix it. How...I don't know. She wasn't working at the time and I wasn't asking because there was no need and I understood the stress of living abroad. So that didn't go well, but the account was cleared and I'm now paying all the bills. As time moved on, she became mentally and physically distant. I shared my need for emotional connection and explained what I would like...hugs, kisses, caressing, etc.. She listens, but doesn't make any lasting changes. The situation escalated to the point where we continued sharing what our needs were to each other and I decided to read the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book as well as other related articles. Skeptical at first, but there were some good points made. I suggested she read it as well and she shared she had already while in Japan (possibly translated differently given the cultural differences). After the reading, I was committed and made sincere attempts to make changes within myself with the belief that they would help her, me, us as a family. I'm a pretty practical guy...not materialistic or anything like that. Made the comment many times to her that what motivates me to do better is her support, emotional and physical connection. Is that asking too much? Getting this wasn't a problem before getting married, but afterwards she started making comments like "don't touch me, complaining about having too much sex and that your emotional needs come from a lack of attention from your mother as a child. Again, trying to better the situation, I recommended sex twice a week. She agreed, but now only provides the minimum...no excitement, no enthusiasm, no motivation to please and a host of complaints. I'm not allowed to touch her while sleeping, which is pretty hard (she's typical Japanese lady...beautiful). There's a section in the book I mentioned that basically says, if parts of a relationship aren't resolved over a period of time, a partner may get to the point where he or she may no longer have the motivation or energy to attempt any longer...I'm starting to feel that way. These days I don't respond much to the lack of emotional connection, etc. and I think she noticed. Over the years, she's had friends divorce and during those times I hoped something would click inside her forcing her to realize that providing a few emotional needs isn't so bad. We've talked about retiring in Japan, but in light of the current situation, I can only imagine it would be worse. The thing is, I love my wife and feel I can stick with the relationship until our kids grow up. So, enough of the proverbial, "crying in my beer". The situation has gotten to the point where I'm actually on a message board seeking objective advice, constructive criticism and comments in general. Comments from a lady's perspective would be great as well. Has anyone had or is having a similar experience? What's going on? If in my position, what would you do? Is this common in general regardless of culture?
You say that you love her, but what do you love about her? You have described someone who is beautiful but also distant, dispassionate and bad with money. If you want to fight for your marriage, you have to know what you are fighting for.

How long have you been married? How old are your children?
 
Old 09-16-2010, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Austin, TX
13,697 posts, read 3,802,818 times
Reputation: 12320
Quote:
I reluctantly agreed to do this and it made me feel good because I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate my awareness of the differences between our cultures and my willingness to change/adjust in a way that would make her happy...meeting her half way. I put my full trust in her to manage the money, bills, etc. Didn't ask to see receipts or anything.
Its amazing what lengths some people will go to be PC. Related acronym: SOL.
 
Old 09-16-2010, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,917 posts, read 11,236,416 times
Reputation: 5293
First off, I don't think that any cultural differences are meaningful in terms of your situation and that both men and women have the same needs and also problems everywhere in the world. I had a Japanese girlfriend for quite awhile and she also became distant and seemed disinterested as time passed by. She had grown up in Japan but moved to the US and I met her through work. When I look back at that relationship today I honestly think that I was the one to blame. She did have some difficulties adjusting to American life but I don't think that was the issue and I don't believe her ancestry had anything to do with our eventual breakup. Sometimes things just don't work out for any number of reasons and one of the most common is financial problems and it sounds like this was a major factor in your case. Of course because you have a family and you are truly committed to your wife I would just advise you to make every effort to communicate with her and try to rekindle your relationship. Good luck.
 
Old 09-16-2010, 02:18 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,935,648 times
Reputation: 10048
I have a friend who is married to a Japanese woman, situation sounds exactly like yours. In my friend's case, I believe he decided to get himself an Asian wife because of the usual "they are better than American women" thing, you know, nice, pretty, thin, "knows how to treat a man," sweet personality etc. He didn't consider the fact that she is an intelligent woman in her own right, and turned the marriage into exactly what she wanted once she they said "I do": no sex, and berating him into submission. He is miserable, makes $180k per year, yet is always broke because she takes it all. And he knows he can't get a divorce either, as she will send him to the poor house. So now he just bangs prostitutes any chance he can get, while fantasizing about someday retiring without her.
 
Old 09-16-2010, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,857 posts, read 10,669,715 times
Reputation: 16357
In the beginning of your post you stated how you drove her around everywhere, paid for her and her friends dinners, bought her things to make her think you care--that's where your problems began. Your relationship was built on materialism.

Last edited by Coolhand68; 09-16-2010 at 02:23 PM.. Reason: spelling
 
Old 09-16-2010, 03:16 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,935,648 times
Reputation: 10048
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
In the beginning of your post you stated how you drove her around everywhere, paid for her and her friends dinners, bought her things to make her think you care--that's where your problems began. Your relationship was built on materialism.
These things are often bad from the start, but the guys don't see it.

I hate to say it, but this is the truth as I've seen it many times. A lot of white American men honestly believe they are intellectually superior to Asian women (ditto Russian women etc etc) so they go looking for one with their heads in the clouds. Often they hook up with a woman who is waaaay smarter than they think - come on, it's the smartest ones who figure out how to get the F out of there to make their way to the US! - and that smart woman becomes a wife who comes out on top as in our opening post. She has the money, she withholds the sex, and the OP is screwed.

(Let's not have any bitter white dudes yelling at me over pointing out the truth... I'm not a white woman and I'm not an asian male so I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm just calling what I see!)
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