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I have been together with my wife - married 3 years, and before that 8 years with have no Kids. We are in our early 30s.
We have had lots of good times, and fun in the past, and still do - but last 5 years the number of arguments have mounted up to 5 or 6 days per week - heated screaming arguments. I feel she is very controlling and wants her own way all most of the time. Sex life is ok, but there is no feeling of love there. Booking a vacation is horrible - arguments over where to go, when to go, where to fly from - its sometimes best to just let her decide.
Don't get me wrong - she has a good side to her, and thinks of other people - i would have left her a long time ago. But its the constant, nagging critisim, and rages and moods over everything that get me, you just can't relax around her, she takes her stress out on me. She seems to oppose me in everything, and if someone like a brother in law opposes me - she seems to enjoy seeming me under pressure - you'd think she might support me. She always talks up her sisters partners as being perfect, and me being the worst. People say she is nice, yes she is nice - but there is also a bad side they don't see. She never gets behind, there is no feeling of a team. We are even competitive about our careers - trying to one up each other - for gods sake we are married - supposed to work as a team.
Her job seems to take precidence over everything, and her stress is always 10 times more than mine, my stresses are brushed under the carpet. She makes much things more difficult than it should be.
There is a sense of guilt there thing - well maybe she is ok, and I am being unreasonable.
There is just a nagging sense - she is wasting my time, I am getting older - her constant stress and hassle - she is eating up my life - and its just more hassle than she is worth. But to throw it away, and start fresh scares me!
We live 7 hours drive from my Family(have a large familiy), in a different country, we live very close to her Family for the last 11 years. I have also moved for two years in between to another country for a move with her job.
This is what hurts me most - She will see my family once a year, if that - and drags her heels complains, moans - but expects me to see her family regulary - and put up with them!! My family have never so much as been nasty or unkind in any way. She stonewalls on things like this - making a reasonable discussion impossible, or any sense of give and take. When it comes to major important things like this - I feel she has no sense of comprimise. its all about her family and nothing else.
I know if we have kids - then they will be around her family all the time - she will never move near my family.. and continue on with the behaviour above.
But there is the stigma of being divorced.
I am tired of this - I want to move back to my own Country, and start fresh - everytime I go home on my own - its just a sense of regret of living away for so long and seeing my relatives, family getting older - I don't want to go back when I am 60 or something and there all gone or too old - and trying to pretend to everyone that the relationship is all hunky dory.
Have you discussed any of this with her? It almost sounds like a hormone imbalance on her part. Did something change 5 yrs ago to make her start acting this way?
If you have kids! I would take every precaution right now to not have kids at the moment.
It sounds to me like over time, a feeling has developed between you two that everthing is going to be a fight. As if you, her, or both of you anticipate arguments before they even start, so things quickly turn into arguments.
I think there could be hope, but it sounds like you may need some outside help to openup communication. Would she attend some counseling.
5 to 6 bad arguments a day must be very stressful and unbearable for you both! If you cannot open up communication and work to compromise on things better, I would say you will be far happier apart.
I think it could be reconcilable, if you and her want to work on it and want to seek some help to assist on working on it.
I thought he said 5 or 6 arguments a week, not a day? I think we need clarification. But that is still a lot in my book. This is the kind of tense atmosphere I grew up with. It's not fun.
1: You buy her flowers right now and send them to her place of work if you can. Include a nice card and tell her that you love her and want to change how you both communicate with each other. Let her know that she is the most important person in your life and you want to put more time into your marriage.
2: Let her know that on your next date night (You are having these each week right?) you would like to spend some time talking about what both of you want out of life and how you can both attain your goals. Let her know that it is your goal to capture the old flame that you both had in the early part of your relationship and marriage. Let her know that you don't want to argue anymore as that hasn't been productive for the both of you. You would prefer to spend time talking to her about her dreams and goals and how the two of you can overcome past differances and grow closer together.
3: Let her know that although you love being around her family you would like to spend more time visiting your family.
You have been together for about 11 years. What happened during the last five years that made her so different? I am not expecting an answer here, just suggesting that you think about reasons for the change.
If the arguments have increased over the last five years, that is not good. People who argue often usually are not fussing about the real issues. Why not ask her if she is happy with the ways things are and what she wants out of the relationship? Her response may help you determine if the marriage is worth counseling.
Please, whatever you do, make sure no children are brought into this relationship unless things change for the better. You feel any guilt or fear of stigma now thinking of divorce, what in the world would you feel with a child to think of.
It's not uncommon for a marriage to get to such a point but now is where the two of you either remember why you got together so many years ago or decide it's too far gone to keep it up.
I think sometimes certain behavioral issues in the beginning are forgiven because it is a newer relationship and down the line things become more noticable and irritating. Do you think your wife changed a lot or have things been building up? It's worth looking at to see if there are things going on that need addressed or if things were not so hot to begin with.
You may want to try to sit down with her and talk through your feelings or suggest an outside counselor to assist the two of you but only you know how you feel at this point. I just want to say that living a life of hell isn't worth worrying what others might think if you decide divorce. We all deserve the opportunity for happiness.
After reading all that, it sounds like you make each other miserable and have for a long time. It seems like the only thing keeping you married is that you don't want to carry the "stigma" of being divorced. That's a pretty sad reason, for both of you.
I'll be very honest, I don't really hear that she's doing anything wrong, or that you're doing anything wrong either. Some of your complaints sound kind of small and whiny to me, and some of the things she's doing sound petty and inconsiderate too. My gut feeling is that you two are just so unhappy and disappointed in each other that you're not trying to be the best versions of yourself--and that negativity keeps feeding on itself.
So what to do at this point? You aren't going to change. She isn't going to change. You're both still young. If you don't feel any motivation to try to fix this, maybe it would be better to part ways and find people who are better for you. She might be much happier with a man who truly enjoyed spending time with her family and loved the town you live in. You might be much happier with a woman from your hometown, who would be closer to your family.
You need to grow a pair...stop being passive,tell her how you feel and if things don't change you are leaving. See her reaction...willing to work on her issues or unwilling.You will know in a few months what you should do! Oh...and don't bring a child into this situation!!
I am the biggest supporter of trying to make a marriage work. But there are some things that cannot be fixed.
If you are not happy with your life, then please do something about it. This is no way to live. There are women out there who would worship the ground that you walk on. Please, for your own sanity, go out and find one.
A marriage should be full of love and joy and happiness. Why continue to live in a situation where neither of you are happy? That is foolish.
You are still young. Don't waste any more time. Find someone who loves and appreciates you.
20yrsinBranson
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