Why do people (men) lie? (relations)

[Zippy7fo]

Well the times I lied didn't have anything to do with insecurity. Lets face it, women have hollywood values and they wanna live a hollywood reality. So I just feed the illusion because most women can't accept that they will probably live a marginal existence at best.

[JerZ]

I have to chime in and agree that it's time to move on. The fact is that he hasn't really been very honest with you, and it almost doesn't matter why at this point. Even if you found out why, would it change anything? In my experience, a person who consistently lies isn't going to change no matter what. Not if Cupid's arrow strikes him and he falls madly in love with you; not an attack of remorse; nothing.

That may sound cynical but in reality, it's every person's choice how he or she wants to live his or her life. I know you're hurting but you really might want to consider just moving on at this point. If it were me I'd move on. I'm sorry you're going through this...I personally didn't love dating. I always felt like the other person was submitting his resume. And there were often these stupid games. Bleaghhhhhhhhh. Ick! If my husband and I ever divorce I shall set up shop in an upstairs apartment of a fabulous old Victorian house, have a few cats and spend my afternoons embroidering "Do Not Enter" signs on my underwear.

[Woodzman]

Why? If I told you, I'd be lieing! Woodz :-)

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by movin'on

I don't want to have to confront this person I've been involved with for over a year. He just lied again today. He stopped by and I wasn't here and he told me he wanted to take me to X restaurant for lunch, which just happens to be on the other side of town. Additionally, he got the type of food wrong. I think he was just checking up on ME. There's some projection for you.

This is not the first time he's lied. But it seems pointless for me to sink to the level of some screaming match (would be the result) if I did. There's one more lie I'm waiting on Wednesday and that's it. I'm trying not to rock the boat until after Wednesday. I've already started the counseling thing which he doesn't know about. No, that's not a lie. I just need to figure out how this happened.

At any rate, why lie about things like age, lunch, passports, mother's birthdays. I know, I know, because he's probably just a liar and a cheat but I've never been able to pin anything on him (just the age thing and now the today thing. I think a lot of people shave a few years off, even if I don't).

I don't believe this is a matter of a white lie now and then, to me, this seems very serious...a person who lies about way to many things....everyone lies...or simply emits important information....when people tell lies to avoid hurting someone else's feelings, that is called white lies...which I might add, I'm not for...I believe in telling the truth no matter how difficult. And do step on toes by doing so. But...unfortunately, in your case, this person sounds like a pathalogical liar...which is a description and not a diagnose.

I would, if I were you, run like anything...and it might be very difficult leaving this person...he may not go away easily...I fear...

Just my thoughts...and am glad you thought it to be a problem to start questioning...follow your instincts...cuz usually they are right...that inner feeling in your tummy that pulls at you, when your apt to do something that is not good for "YOU"

My Best
Creme

[mainebrokerman]

if i were starting a new relationship..going deeper and deeper in a realtionship,
id make sure id set up from the beginning (on the table time) meaning,,anything, anything of little or major concern, gets thrown out in the open, on the table,,once a week, to start

because we let things go,,and go and avoid conflict, and it builds up inside us,,and festers, then we are ready to bolt and run away.

trust and honesty HAS to be the cornerstone of any relationship.
no b.s. no salemanship, no lies, no appeasement

[NYC2RDU]

Men lie because inherently we don't want to disappoint or admit weakness. Also, when it comes to lying within a relationship it's often because of trying to avoid an argument or unpleasant conversation.

My wife abhors lying to the point where I think she'd rather I cheated on her with another woman then find out I'm routinely lying to her. I've worked very hard on learning how to be direct and avoid "crafting" answers in the years we've been together. In exchange she's worked hard at rewarding honesty by not killing the messenger.

[shuke]

Originally Posted by movin'on

He's got a huge ego that borders on narcissistic.

Show me someone with a huge ego, and I'll show you someone with very low self-esteem. Let me guess.... he's the jealous type, right? Jealousy (as distinguished from envy) is rooted in low self-esteem. The individual has finally found someone who will "love" him and he's holding onto that like a drowning person clings to a life preserver. The underlying message, which is is not conscious of, is "if you don't love me, then no one will." They believe that no one else will love them because their own self-image is so poor... they do not love themselves... and if they don't love themselves, they cannot love you.

Bottom line here: this isn't just about lying. That's very simplistic and only deals with one symptom of a much deeper problem. This guy is a project and may one day get over his issues.... but only if he becomes conscious of them first, and that can take years and years. If you aren't willing to take on the project, then what is the point of the relationship as it presently exists?

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by mainebrokerman

if i were starting a new relationship..going deeper and deeper in a realtionship,
id make sure id set up from the beginning (on the table time) meaning,,anything, anything of little or major concern, gets thrown out in the open, on the table,,once a week, to start

because we let things go,,and go and avoid conflict, and it builds up inside us,,and festers, then we are ready to bolt and run away.

trust and honesty HAS to be the cornerstone of any relationship.
no b.s. no salemanship, no lies, no appeasement

You are absolutely right.

...Many years ago, I thought I had met the man of my dreams...I listened to family members...and kept information to myself...I feared loosing him....and if you ask people who knew me, they would tell you that I don't lie. Anyway, I finally told him, as I could not bear the weight of the guilt any longer, and I loved him dearly. Well, he freaked. Unfortunately he had been lied to by many woman before, and now, I was no different from them...I will never forget the 1st things he said to me...."was there anything else you've lied to me about?" I was literally disgraced, torn apart, and know God as My witness, I would have felt the same.


So, now I will tell the truth, no matter how painful...I've learned a lesson well.

There are no better lessons then those of experience, cause experience doesn't lie.

Happy 4th!!!
Creme

[moonsavvy]

Why do people lie?

Because they can. Each of us has the capability of saying whatever we want to say. The only thing that holds us back is if we are true to ourselves, or if we are comfortable enough with ourselves that we don't have the need to lie.

A better question is why do you believe him?

Obviously he has proven that he is a "liar" and until he decides to make changes, he will continue on his path of pathological lies. There is nothing you can do to stop him. So let it go, let him go, do what you need to do to take care of you.

[Lisa_from_Debary]

Girl, be glad your not livin with this guy, pregnant with his kid or married to him.

It will be EASY to get out of this.
I don't do confrontation anymore. I used up all the tolerance I have. Its not worth it, your not going to work things out with this guy so just end it quickly and painlessly.

Some people like to argue just for the sake of it. I would just tell him that things are not working out and that you want to break up with him. Say nothing about what you suspect because if you do, it will be like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Just leave it. He won't listen to you AND because of his ego he will feel he HAS to defend himself.

If you think he is the kind of guy who will not leave you alone, then change your phone number, be vigilante when you leave your home and go places.

Please tell me he doesn't have a key to your house or car, if he does change the locks on them.

I personally would send him an email or leave him a message on his answering machine. You don't OWE anyone the time and emotional pain of going through a screaming match with a nutcase.

If he has so many women after him like he said then he should have no problem finding someone to replace you.

Get out, and thank your lucky stars you realized what was going on before it was too late...

My advice is coming from someone who didn't see the obvious and married the idiot...its alot harder to get out once that has happened.