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Old 09-18-2010, 09:51 AM
 
28 posts, read 53,232 times
Reputation: 39

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Hello Everyone

I've been going back and forth with a freind of mine on this subject and we can't seem to come to an agreement. I don't ever plan on having children but I always say I think marriage before children is more ideal than unwed motherhood, which is her situation. Her child's father is a married man. Because he is a married man, his wife does not allow him to have contact with my friend or the baby. She recieves child support though but carries on like superwoman or something. As if men will have some kind of respect for her, for being a baby's mother and I use that term purposefully because it applies to unwed mothers IMO. She thinks men will think more of her for raising a child alone. I say it's the total opposite! Men think of women who have babies all willy nilly as the woman trying to trap them or keep them around for whatever reason (money, security, etc.). They are not going to respect that. Especially in her case, the man was married, she knew and she still had the baby. Men will seek you out for sex but that's it. She thinks becasue she has a nice job and is doing mostly everything herself she can get back in the dating game carrying on like before, when she was childless. LOL, some of the men she's encountered haven't held back on her either. I do recall one of them saying to her regarding her reaction to his attire for the date (because she wouldn't shut up about it): "why are you being so picky & difficult, you're not that much of a catch" and he never called her again. So what do you think?
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Old 09-18-2010, 09:57 AM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
20,203 posts, read 19,533,841 times
Reputation: 22148
The real question is do men sleep around with some women and then marry the one who waits until marriage. Don't expect a man to have more respect for you than you have for yourself.
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,493 posts, read 3,775,961 times
Reputation: 6851
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post
Hello Everyone

I've been going back and forth with a freind of mine on this subject and we can't seem to come to an agreement. I don't ever plan on having children but I always say I think marriage before children is more ideal than unwed motherhood, which is her situation. Her child's father is a married man. Because he is a married man, his wife does not allow him to have contact with my friend or the baby. She recieves child support though but carries on like superwoman or something. As if men will have some kind of respect for her, for being a baby's mother and I use that term purposefully because it applies to unwed mothers IMO. She thinks men will think more of her for raising a child alone. I say it's the total opposite! Men think of women who have babies all willy nilly as the woman trying to trap them or keep them around for whatever reason (money, security, etc.). They are not going to respect that. Especially in her case, the man was married, she knew and she still had the baby. Men will seek you out for sex but that's it. She thinks becasue she has a nice job and is doing mostly everything herself she can get back in the dating game carrying on like before, when she was childless. LOL, some of the men she's encountered haven't held back on her either. I do recall one of them saying to her regarding her reaction to his attire for the date (because she wouldn't shut up about it): "why are you being so picky & difficult, you're not that much of a catch" and he never called her again. So what do you think?

That's one of those touchy areas where we feel compelled to try and speak in bland terms, treading volatile ground lest we say the wrong thing and someone come leaping from the side screaming their fool head off.

Whether it's "right" or not, there is a certain amount of judgment which falls to unwed mothers. Obviously circumstances vary regarding how they ended up with children, whether by willing or poor choice, whether they might have been in a perfectly committed relationship which fell apart after they were too far along for abortion, etc.

A million variations.

For better or worse, however, people not only ARE going to judge, but HAVE to judge. Everyone has this crazy notion that "judgment" is wrong; it's become a bad word, but how the hell else are people supposed to function? Just pretend "it's all good"...?

This is reminiscent of the thread about "baby-daddies" recently, wherein someone posed the question of whether anyone felt sorry for women with multiple "baby-daddies". I didn't post, but for my part in that thread I feel sorry for the children, not the mother. Everyone makes a mistake or two, but over and over, as though something will change? Nope.

I think a single woman with a child, especially if she's never been wed, will be judged. Whether that judgment is positive or negative will, in the long run, depend on the circumstances.

In your friend's case I'd be reticent were I a dating man. On one hand she has a child, and that means quite a ready-made package for any prospective mate. But that's not everything; is she a responsible adult who seems to have her sh it together? Does she work a steady job? Take good care of that child? Pay her bills regularly and keep a decent home? If yes, then there's really nothing wrong with her at all, just one of life's little swerves we all have once in a while.

If no, then sad as it is, the reaction would be a shake of the head while looking pityingly at the child for suspicion of what the future for that kid holds, pinched lips off to one side in a wry grimace and a fast walk-away.

In the end there is no "right" answer. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you simply walk away, you're a cad and a jerk for judging. If you give it a try and find yourself in a bad situation, then "...what did you THINK was going to happen, stupid?!?"
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:15 AM
 
400 posts, read 658,497 times
Reputation: 473
You're correct and yes they do. A woman's career...it's just not much of a consideration. It's great she's taking care of her baby and everything...but you don't get bonus points for that. That's just what you're suppose to do. You don't brag about bathing yourself because that is just something a normal person does. A baby is huge detrimental baggage. I guess her married man situation makes her both look better and worse. Worse because she went after a married man so has questionable scruples. Better because at least the baby daddy is mostly out of the picture so you wouldn't have much drama. Either way...LOL...yeah, not much of a catch.
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:19 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,269,166 times
Reputation: 1701
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post
Hello Everyone

I've been going back and forth with a freind of mine on this subject and we can't seem to come to an agreement. I don't ever plan on having children but I always say I think marriage before children is more ideal than unwed motherhood, which is her situation. Her child's father is a married man. Because he is a married man, his wife does not allow him to have contact with my friend or the baby. She recieves child support though but carries on like superwoman or something. As if men will have some kind of respect for her, for being a baby's mother and I use that term purposefully because it applies to unwed mothers IMO. She thinks men will think more of her for raising a child alone. I say it's the total opposite! Men think of women who have babies all willy nilly as the woman trying to trap them or keep them around for whatever reason (money, security, etc.). They are not going to respect that. Especially in her case, the man was married, she knew and she still had the baby. Men will seek you out for sex but that's it. She thinks becasue she has a nice job and is doing mostly everything herself she can get back in the dating game carrying on like before, when she was childless. LOL, some of the men she's encountered haven't held back on her either. I do recall one of them saying to her regarding her reaction to his attire for the date (because she wouldn't shut up about it): "why are you being so picky & difficult, you're not that much of a catch" and he never called her again. So what do you think?

His wife does not allow him contact with his own child. Must be a real great father i'll tell you
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Astoria, NY
3,053 posts, read 3,144,339 times
Reputation: 2475
Every situation is different, every relationship is different.

I respect two people in a long-term, committed relationship who have decided to have children way more than I respect people who rushed into a marriage with a premature understanding of what commitment means and want to get pregnant. Even if the former sort of relationship ends as most marriages end, I still respect the former more.

It's impossible to judge people as situations are so different.
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:59 AM
 
28 posts, read 53,232 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick View Post
Every situation is different, every relationship is different.

I respect two people in a long-term, committed relationship who have decided to have children way more than I respect people who rushed into a marriage with a premature understanding of what commitment means and want to get pregnant. Even if the former sort of relationship ends as most marriages end, I still respect the former more.

It's impossible to judge people as situations are so different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post


Her child's father is a married man.

Especially in her case, the man was married, she knew and she still had the baby.

He cheated on his wife with my friend.


There's the situation.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:03 AM
 
28 posts, read 53,232 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
His wife does not allow him contact with his own child. Must be a real great father i'll tell you

That's not important to his wife regarding a child her husband had out of infedility. She is staying with him after he cheated so he's willing to abide by her commands.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:09 AM
 
400 posts, read 658,497 times
Reputation: 473
A sad case for both involved. The wife commanding him is not an unsurprising turn of events, she has no trust in him anymore and the thought of him hanging out with the woman he cheated with of course makes her blood boil. And the child is in unfortunate circumstances as well, the wife certainly must resent the child's very existence.

Married men rarely leave their wives for the other woman. If they were truly unhappy with their wives they would have already left them. The other woman is usually just more of a supplement.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 2,937,076 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post
That's not important to his wife regarding a child her husband had out of infedility. She is staying with him after he cheated so he's willing to abide by her commands.

Then his wife is an immature idiot. Not only is she punishing her husband she is also punishing a poor innocent child from ever knowing his own father. The husband is an idiot as well to let his wife dictate to him that he cannot see his own child.
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