When is it time to give up? (boyfriend, man, cheat)

[Bette]

Originally Posted by sportsgeek20

How much rejection should a guy take before giving up(1) and how does he do it while keeping his sanity(2)?
I'm reallt at a point were I don't know how tot ake more rejection nor how to keep being lonely...

At one point when he was just out of college, my husband was attracted to girls who (at that time) would not be attracted to him. Today, yes. He just looked at the outside packaging and sometimes what was inside was not so nice. He and I were friends. I really never thought of him as a potential date but looking back, I have to laugh b/c everyone else would have thought so. When we were dating, I found a list (reject list) he had on his table in plain sight. It made me really sad b/c he is/was a quality type guy and finally, a couple of years later, we got together. At that time, we were totally comfortable with who we were and our own skin. We weren't out to impress and all that.

Find stuff you like to do. If you like animals, go volunteer. (Maybe the right one will show up to volunteer or buy a dog). If you like the outdoors, do stuff outdoors. Join others. Run a marathon. Give back to the community (hint: some women like that - I did - show you're not selfish). Try it for a year; see what happens.

Also, take care of yourself. Work out, eat healthy, take pride in the way you present yourself, all that. You will be surprised at the results. And, smile.

[Bette]

You might be surprised. I married a friend, a guy I felt very comfortable with - in fact, it sounds dumb but we share the same birthday and it was kind of a kinship right there. (No one else knew it at the time)

A few years after meeting him, we became more than friends. We have been married for 26 years, 2 children, lots of hills and valleys but I couldn't face the days without him. We are closer each year. I don't know how that happens but each memory just builds more closeness.

So, don't give up - live your life - find out what makes you happy. There is more to life than going to the bars. (There was a time in my life, however, that I remember when I could not imagine life without going dancing - and that's when we lined up on Friday/Wednesday nights to get into a place - and when Fort Lauderdale was truly the place to be).

[hindsight2020]

Is 'gimmicky' really the foundation of a relationship that's supposed to carry you home for the long haul? This is what I find so bizarre about the conventional means of dating and meeting people.

What's the point of winning at the game of attention-getting if there's nothing behind the curtain but the chase itself? It ain't like the majority of people proficient at attention getting nor those drawn to it are exactly full of content in between the eyebrows; as if bars are stacked full of closet Waldo Emersons ready to connect with your soul....so long as you get the testicle joke they're using to get your attention of course. Gimme a break

I hate to say it, but it seems that the only legitimate way to actually meet people worth your time of day is to share activities and interests; screw the bar/club scene. It's a hassle and vacuous.

As to the friend zone. Skip it. It's a dead end. And for the sake of the thread let's clarify that there is a difference between being friends and being put on the friends zone. It's self-imposed torture and quite selfish from the perspective of the person putting you in a jar...you know, break in case of emergency use only. If you have a romantic interest, make it known, if it is not reciprocated and you're still hopeful just give them your number and be "when and if you're ever ready for it, gimme a call, I may still be around, good luck". And walk away. Better alternative than giving people a blank check to your emotional availability.

I'm too lazy to go check how old you said you were. If you are in your early to mid 20s... Dude don't sweat it. Become acquainted with the concept of the inverted pyramid. This is to say, females have a captive audience that peaks in their early 20s and diminishes with time, whereas males have a captive audience that peaks inversely proportionally to the female's audience. Thence inverse pyramid. In other words, the older you get, the more eligible you become, and the more optionless the same 21 y.o. woman becomes at 30. So when people tell you to quit looking, they think it works because of some function of your chí or some such nonsense. It isn't. It works because you're getting to be a more valuable commodity as you age.

Lastly, consider your audience. If you're looking to even your attention-getting score, playing that gradeschool bar scene antic of chasing game like baby lions play-hunting the gazelle in a pointless energy exertion, then have at it. But if you're looking for something more fundamental then you'll have to consider your audience. 22 yo chicks make terrible platforms to seek stability, as they have a lot to get out of their system. Such is life. The ticket is to find settings where these women have established a pattern of being "settled" and ready to entertain meaningful approaches to a relationships. Work smarter not harder. Don't try to make a homemaker out of the 22 yo college chick with dreams of traveling the world and who can't hold a conversation without wiggin'out the second Stanky Leg gets played. Polish your appearance, keep doing what you do day to day and establish conducive settings to pounce on the anxy 27 some yo

[RoundRockinite]

I agree with the others about it's bogus to "Stop looking,... it works!".

B*llsh*t.

That's like forwarding silly emails to five people in order to bring happiness to your life. You will not find your car keys by not looking for them. Look, but don't be too eager to get things moving.

I've been successful in every other area of my life because I directed my mind and energy to making things happen. Women are the exception.

You do however have control over the # of people you meet. I recommend focused activities where you get involved somehow and the focus is the activity and not each other. It's no guarantee though.

I'm in my late 30's and have never had a girlfriend. I tried all of the online dating sites for 10 years with no luck. I went cold turkey with that. I DO NOT recommend online dating. Some people do get lucky but if you have trouble dating in the real world the online world is even worse. I spent countless hours emailing women and spent a lot of $ in membership fees. I really do miss what intimacy and sex and a close relationship and friendship would be like. But reader, I've heard it all - You'll find her soon! Enjoy your independence! It will happen when you least expect it!!!! Oh yeah? I've...... heard...... it.................... all.......................... again and again and again and again and again and again and again and ....

Finding someone to share my life with is in God's hands now. I've done my part. And this statement may conflict with the start of this message. Oh well.

[sun queen]

Originally Posted by Coolhand68

Why are you being rejected? Are you able to give yourself an honest answer? What reason do these women give for rejecting you (though they may not be the real reason it might be a good starting point)?

Are we talking different women here or the same one?

If you give up altogether, the alternative is a lifetime of humping your fist. Is that what you really want?

I think you ask some good question and make a valid point. I would just add one thing from a woman's point of view- when u start thinking or wondering how much rejection to endure... then it is time to move on. If a female knows she has u by the stones she's will likely squeeze a long time before giving in, and likely she won't. I want a man to act like I got what he wants, needs and craves and can't not body give to him just like I can. I respect a man who comes at me with that special understanding, but I don't want him to be so desperate I lose respect for him. Sometimes that is a thin line. I say "Step" women are like busses- if u miss tapping one another one will come along shortly. Good luck to the OP

[sportsgeek20]

Thanks guys, I think there are some good advice here, I just don't know how to apply them... like finding an intrest that I have in common with multiple women...

One thing that struck me today is that there are about 30-35 women in my class, and the same ammount of guys, yet all women I have talked to so far have said or indicated that they have boyfriends, while I know for a fact that at least 80% of the guys are single... and this pattern lasts through most groups I know in the university...
In my corridor there are 8 guys and 7 women (we don't have roommates here, we got separate rooms with a kitchen in common instead)
All the 7 women have boyfriends, while 7 out of us 8 guys are single...
we had a "dinnerparty" (not really but it's the closest translation i know of) and the statistics concured with the ones mensioned above...
We had invited about 60 or so with an open invitation to bring a "+1"... about 35 women showed, along with almost 30 boyfriends of theirs, and about 25 guys showed, 3 of them brought girlfriends, about 5 of them brought their guyfriends...
I don't know how this works mathematicly but somehow there seems to be alot more girl that have boyfriend than there are guys who have girlfriends...

About going overseas... I am overseas. and women are suposed to be comparatively "easy" here...

[SteveDr]

I agree with what was said earlier: ask for dating advice and the overwhelming majority of stuff that's said consists of cliches which have no value. Stop trying? Sure, because not trying for something at all is the best way to achieve it. The piece of advice is much more helpful if we told someone to stop pushing and gripping so hard to make something happen.

I think some people have been a little tough on the OP. I know what it's like to be in his shoes. The social pressure in the college setting can be intense. It's hard to see all your guy friends hooking up and dating while you are struggling to find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night.

I was always shy in high school, and sort of came out of my shell during my first year of college. I asked out a lot of women. I got turned down a lot. That hurt, but it felt good to try. I had the ability to step back, look at the big picture, and see that sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing would mean I'd certainly be alone.

The biggest problem I'd run into was that the women I was interested in were always attached. That's how it goes. If you are looking for an attractive partner, chances are that she has been scooped up already. The going will be much easier if you go after someone unattractive, for obvious reasons.

During my junior year, I met someone and we started a long-term dating relationship. We subsequently got engaged, but the relationship fell apart for a variety of reasons. I struggled for a while after that, as just about anyone would. I know I gave off negative vibes to women whom I would approach. I went through this phase of going after hot blondes only, and it was fueled by this delusional desire to offset the self-esteem hit I suffered when my ex-fiancee said she didn't want to marry me. My thought process was "If I can get [insert name of hot blonde here], it means I'm okay after all." That kind of approach will not attract a partner.

When something is not working, it has to change. So, after a while, I started just hanging out with some different women, and was open-minded to see where things would go. Get together casually, enjoy getting to know the person, and see if there might be a spark. If someone was going to be a dead end for whatever reason, I'd pull the plug on the whole thing, and go on to someone or something else. My time is valuable.

If your goal is to find a mate, the friend zone is NOT where you want to be for any length of time. Be strategic about it. If you are looking for "the one", don't waste too much time, energy or attention on someone who is attached to someone else and/or will never be willing to consider you boyfriend material.

When I began dating my wife, I was enjoying myself and enjoying her company. At the same time, I started to get that sense of anxiety about what I would do and how I'd handle it if this relationship were to end. Then, it's almost like an outside voice said to me "You'll be fine. You'll move on, and there will be someone else." I honestly believe that calmness helped me to keep things fun and not push her away.

We've been married for six years now, and have a beautiful son who is a little more than a year old. Is married life awesome 24/7/365? No. Sometimes, I feel lonely, but that's how it goes occasionally. None of us feels happy all of the time. Is she the perfect partner? No. Am I the perfect partner? Of course not. But, most of the time I feel good about things.

Hope you found something helpful in this. I do wish you well.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by sportsgeek20

How much rejection should a guy take before giving up(1) and how does he do it while keeping his sanity(2)?
I'm reallt at a point were I don't know how tot ake more rejection nor how to keep being lonely...

College is not always the best place to find someone - although it shouldn't be the worst place - maybe you need to start looking in other places than the usual ones.

[sportsgeek20]

Yeah well I don't get what I do so wrong, I mean I'm physicly well trained, I do good in school, I'm usually pretty good at whatever as long as I give it a serious try, but I just can't get how to get a woman, wether it's for a relationship, a short flirt or a single night. Worse looking friends have told me things like "well it's not like you who can take em on your looks/6-pack" etc but I really can't. Or short guys who seems to think I'm some sort of pimp because I'm 6'4. It's like I'm the kid in the square running after the pigeons, no matter if i'm running after them or standing still pretending that I'm not paying any attention, they still keep their 6 feet distance as if their lives depended on it.

It's not like I noticed this problem when I started college, it's been with me through my entire life thus far, it just became more appearent than ever now.

[RoundRockinite]

I learned earlier today that a guy and girl in an activity group I'm in started dating. This girl was living with a guy with their two dogs and sounded like they were a solid couple so I didn't even think to ask her out. Well, this new guy comes in last year for only about two months and starting pairing off with this girl. She apparently left the boyfriend to be with the new guy.

And so, this scenario opens up a whole new range of possibilities. If a girl is dating someone it's never too late. Try befriending women who have boyfriends. She may like you better.

Never give up hope.