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It sounds to me like he was fine when you were making most of the money; supporting him. How long has it been since that situation has passed? It could be that now the onus is on him to support you, it's causing him a lot of stress. It's not right for him to be abusive by punching holes in walls, and he should respect you for how long you supported him and "man up" to a certain extent.
I've supported my family on my salary alone for years and it is tough, but you did it for him until you were no longer able to do so. Perhaps he's not able to stand that kind of stress. If he loves you, then he should talk it over with you and never, ever punch holes in walls or threaten you. That's abuse. It can be forgiven, but he has to reach out to you and get over it once and for all.
What you need to think about is this: are you absolutely sure he wouldn't try to hurt any of your sons? Because if he did, no matter how old they are, how big they are or how mean they are, you would probably jump in to defend them, since you are their mom--and that's what we do! And someone could get seriously injured. If this man is punching holes in the walls, that might be considered domestic violence, and since he did it in front of your son, you have a witness to his violent tendencies. Just be sure that if you do call the police, you are going to make sure he does NOT come back in to that house-otherwise it's just victimizing the victim-YOU. I would say there has been something building up for a while now, since a couple of bounced checks really isn't enough to warrant that kind of behavior-well, nothing is, but if he's acting out of character, then maybe there really is something else going on with him. But I know exactly what you mean, there are things people can say that they can never take back and that are totally unforgivable. Well, to me (too) anyway.
It sounds to me like he was fine when you were making most of the money; supporting him. How long has it been since that situation has passed? It could be that now the onus is on him to support you, it's causing him a lot of stress. It's not right for him to be abusive by punching holes in walls, and he should respect you for how long you supported him and "man up" to a certain extent.
I've supported my family on my salary alone for years and it is tough, but you did it for him until you were no longer able to do so. Perhaps he's not able to stand that kind of stress. If he loves you, then he should talk it over with you and never, ever punch holes in walls or threaten you. That's abuse. It can be forgiven, but he has to reach out to you and get over it once and for all.
WHen we first married we both worked I made most the income as stated before. When 9/11 came along he was laid off well he stayed without working for about a year and than I gave him 20k for him to start his business. The business failed during that time we not only lost the 20k but I was suppoerting the house because the business was not breaking even. About a year after that I changed jobs, went to a lower paying job and back to school. I would work nights and go to school during the day. It was a carreer change for me. I had always worked in develpment accouting and decided I wanted to go into nursing. I was 12 credits of getting my nursing degree when I became sick. It has almost been two years since than. My disability is 1200 amonth (because of earned income tax credits) and I also get child support 850/month. Perhaps he cant stand the stress financially. We have had alot of financial burdens since then. He married an independant professional that did very well. I did not have any say as to me being sick, this was not a choice and I thought he understood this but after tday I see differently.
I have saved all documentation as to how much (money wise) I have put into this marriage. Have it all saved in the attic.
What you need to think about is this: are you absolutely sure he wouldn't try to hurt any of your sons? Because if he did, no matter how old they are, how big they are or how mean they are, you would probably jump in to defend them, since you are their mom--and that's what we do! And someone could get seriously injured. If this man is punching holes in the walls, that might be considered domestic violence, and since he did it in front of your son, you have a witness to his violent tendencies. Just be sure that if you do call the police, you are going to make sure he does NOT come back in to that house-otherwise it's just victimizing the victim-YOU. I would say there has been something building up for a while now, since a couple of bounced checks really isn't enough to warrant that kind of behavior-well, nothing is, but if he's acting out of character, then maybe there really is something else going on with him. But I know exactly what you mean, there are things people can say that they can never take back and that are totally unforgivable. Well, to me (too) anyway.
No, Im not sure but I do know the boys are intimidating of him. I believe its a build up of alot of things. Finances, the house not being sold, teenage problems with my youngest (although its gotten better). I dont think I could ever forgive what he said to me. There would always be this hurt feeling and he has surprised me beyonds means.
Pixie Dust,
I'm feel so bad for you, with your health issues it's not wise to be under so much stress, you need to do what is best for you and your boys. Good Luck in what ever you decide, call a lawyer and find out all your options.
My thoughts are with you.
T
It sounds like both of you have been through a lot, he may be at his limit of stress, i would try to talk to him one on one in a nice relaxed way. Before you run to a lawyer and complicate things even further, try to find out what set him off and work it out.
WHen we first married we both worked I made most the income as stated before. When 9/11 came along he was laid off well he stayed without working for about a year and than I gave him 20k for him to start his business. The business failed during that time we not only lost the 20k but I was suppoerting the house because the business was not breaking even. About a year after that I changed jobs, went to a lower paying job and back to school. I would work nights and go to school during the day. It was a carreer change for me. I had always worked in develpment accouting and decided I wanted to go into nursing. I was 12 credits of getting my nursing degree when I became sick. It has almost been two years since than. My disability is 1200 amonth (because of earned income tax credits) and I also get child support 850/month. Perhaps he cant stand the stress financially. We have had alot of financial burdens since then. He married an independant professional that did very well. I did not have any say as to me being sick, this was not a choice and I thought he understood this but after tday I see differently.
I have saved all documentation as to how much (money wise) I have put into this marriage. Have it all saved in the attic.
All I can say is that I wish my wife were as supportive as you have been. It's not that she wouldn't be, but I don't know and I have to commend you for what you've done. He needs to re-evaluate his priorities; it sounds like things were okay when he and you were both doing fine but now that he's having to pull more of the load he's letting it get to him. It's tough, believe me. But, if you love someone and are in a marriage it's about commitment and sticking together (through thick and thin). It sounds like you did your fair share of the sticking all of these years. I'm not saying you should get a divorce. I'm a firm believer in working things out. However, I think he is wrong in this case, especially with the violent acts - there is no cause for that no matter what. I really wish you and your husband the best.
Does your husband get medical checkups? If he's not willing to go to a counselor maybe he'd be willing to talk to a physician to make sure it isn't a medical problem. He isn't sounding rational.
Emotional abuse is subtle and hard to see when you are in it--at the end of my 21 year marriage I told my husband I wish he had hit me ten years before because I wouldn't have tolerated that. Emotional abuse I excused (his parents were horrid people.) When I tried talking about how he would talk to me, he would always say I was making something out of nothing. I told someone I felt like I was in the Alfred Hitchcock movie, Gaslight. When I finally decided to divorce him one of my children's teachers gave me a book on living with a passive aggressive man and it WAS my life. Even mentioned you felt like you were living the movie Gaslight. Weird epiphany. Turns out there were all kinds of things the ex was hiding (a girlfriend, illegal substances, and kicking the dog that I eventually had to put to sleep because it was biting everyone--that one still makes me mad!) My brother told me later he hated the way the ex talked to me and how I would go read or sew to get away from it. My parents taught us you did not get divorced. I was the first in the family and although it has not always been easy financially, I have not ever regretted it. I have done so many things that I would never have done if I was still married.
You should find a counselor for you, talk to a lawyer, and encourage your husband to see a doctor. You don't have to decide immediately whether to get a divorce or not. I've learned ignoring things don't make them go away. My parents always taught me to look at the good things but failed to say you also need to face the things that are harming you and deal with them. I would look at the things I liked about my ex and believed the rest was thinking the grass was always greener somewhere else and excuse his behavior. I am thankful to be free from drama and abuse and hope my ex has found what he wanted--I loved him but we were not good together. I know now I will never compromise having a man in my life who is not my friend before anything else. Wishing you both healing and peace.
((Pixie)) I'm so sorry to read of your situation. I found myself in a similar position 10 years ago. Not exactly, but the rapid change in personality and venomous hatred of me is the same. He threatened divorce, and his words were awful. We were married 27 years at that point.
As the days wore on, his mood went up and down. I rode the roller coaster until I was left totally broken.
Long story short, he went for counseling one or two times. The counselor strongly suggested he see his medical doctor. He was diagnosed as clinically depressed. His body was physically responding to his depression.
He was always a rather unhappy person.....I suspect he was dysthymic. It all finally caught up with him. Plus, he was hitting "that age". If anyone thinks a male midlife crisis is funny, think again.
He did go on an antidepressant. We remained married. It took six months until he totally turned around, but things got better after he saw the doctor and began treatment.
Is it possible that your husband is unwell, and he is taking his misery out on the person he knows loves him? It's sort of a textbook situation. Of course you can't *make* him see a doctor. If he's feeling so distressed, perhaps he would try anything to feel well.
I hope things improve for you no matter which way you choose to go. Just make sure you are safe. Understand you are living with someone you don't really know right now. His reaction to a banking error makes no sense. One other possibility is that he is involved with someone else or believes he wants to be. This could be a way to force your hand rather than him taking responsibility for his actions.
You are at a very difficult place. My very best wishes to you.
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