What do I do..at the end of my marraige... (how to, girl)
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Does your husband get medical checkups? If he's not willing to go to a counselor maybe he'd be willing to talk to a physician to make sure it isn't a medical problem. He isn't sounding rational.
Emotional abuse is subtle and hard to see when you are in it--at the end of my 21 year marriage I told my husband I wish he had hit me ten years before because I wouldn't have tolerated that. Emotional abuse I excused (his parents were horrid people.) When I tried talking about how he would talk to me, he would always say I was making something out of nothing. I told someone I felt like I was in the Alfred Hitchcock movie, Gaslight. When I finally decided to divorce him one of my children's teachers gave me a book on living with a passive aggressive man and it WAS my life. Even mentioned you felt like you were living the movie Gaslight. Weird epiphany. Turns out there were all kinds of things the ex was hiding (a girlfriend, illegal substances, and kicking the dog that I eventually had to put to sleep because it was biting everyone--that one still makes me mad!) My brother told me later he hated the way the ex talked to me and how I would go read or sew to get away from it. My parents taught us you did not get divorced. I was the first in the family and although it has not always been easy financially, I have not ever regretted it. I have done so many things that I would never have done if I was still married.
You should find a counselor for you, talk to a lawyer, and encourage your husband to see a doctor. You don't have to decide immediately whether to get a divorce or not. I've learned ignoring things don't make them go away. My parents always taught me to look at the good things but failed to say you also need to face the things that are harming you and deal with them. I would look at the things I liked about my ex and believed the rest was thinking the grass was always greener somewhere else and excuse his behavior. I am thankful to be free from drama and abuse and hope my ex has found what he wanted--I loved him but we were not good together. I know now I will never compromise having a man in my life who is not my friend before anything else. Wishing you both healing and peace.
Dancing - Either great minds think alike, or we had a similar experience. Living with a passive aggressive person is hellish. I often wished he'd just hit me and get it over with as well. As it was I didn't realize what was happening to me.
Dancingearth & Rocky thank you for you input they are both excellent advise. I do not believe he is having an affair with anyone, he is usually home when not at work and I have never gotten that womens intuition/feeling that comes with cheating husbands. I do believe he suffers from depression. He has been locked in my youngest sons room with an ice bag (migraine) since mid afternoon. I could hear that he is crying. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. It feels like someone elses life. I know he gets frustrated with alot of things. I have a large family and alot of them are older (that live by us). He gets upset because they all come running to me to solve all there problems; doctor visits, legal issues, etc. We could be sitting down getting ready to watch amovie and they just stop by, no prior notice for my help. He comes from a small family and they are not very close. I take both parents to doctors office, have to run around with the boys and have all my doctors appt; oncologist, urologist, gynocologist, pcp, nuerologist and pain management. I think he just reached his braking point, he has had too much. He is passive aggressive, he likes to say things to try to belittle me at times with his family at first he would try in front of my family and they very quickly let him know that the didnt appreciate his humor. Im not good at analyzing and normally I wouldnt go and tell my life story; I just don't know what else to do. At this point my head is pounding and Im very frustrated and dont like all this pressure. I feel like screaming and than waking up just to realize that I fell asleep in the middle of a real bad movie.
Pixie...What you do or don't do has no bearing on his health. He needs to speak with a doctor. He sounds unwell. I hope he will take the initiative to improve his situation and not blame you for his unhappiness.
I was going to ask you if you had any of those "other woman" vibes. New clothes, new shampoo, time away from home....you know the drill. It does sound as if he's depressed, but, again, it has nothing to do with you. None of us are that powerful.
Oh Pixie, my heart goes out to you, if you need someone to talk to, to cry to or scream at, I am here.
I feel like something else HAS got to be going on and he is trying to deflect thing off on you and make it all your fault.
I agree the best you can do it get him out of the house. Get a lawyer, restraining order and change the locks all at once. Do nothing by half measures or he will think he can get the upper hand.
This is such a bizarre thing that he would loose it like that. I think there is more to the story with him...I'm not saying he is having an affair but something else is going on. I hope for your sake and your kids that you don't wait around to find out. He needs help to deal with his issues but your not a therapist (at least I don't think you are), he need to seek out that help on his own.
All to often we women as the caregiver want to try and fix someone's problems and it just doesn't work. Think of your children and yourself first.
Did you purchase this house prior to your marriage? If so then there shouldn't be a problem with you keeping it. If you have issues with being handicapped then I can't imagine a court would award your husband the house or even make you sell it and split the money with him.
You need to see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. You will also need to go to the bank if you have any money in savings...if his name is on it, he will be able to go in and draw every dime out and leave you with nothing.
Please, Please Please be careful and act quickly and decisively.
Pixie Dust -Call one of the domestic violence or mental health hotlines and ask for their advice. Is locking himself in a room and crying normal? Call someone who understands these situations.
Pixie-don't CAVE! If he's in there crying, well too bad. How are you handling the situation with your sons, what they heard him saying to you, and what they saw him do, as far as punching a hole in the wall? What do you do, just randomly hang pictures wherever he punches a hole? I know a few men who have done this, I'm thinking it has to hurt like hell, and if he's done it before, well...I don't get it. I would just keep an eye on him and tell him he can't stay in your son's room forever. Take care of yourself, and take care of your kids. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself.
Pixie, do what I did, ship the man out, enjoy your children and get a couple male cats and castrate them, males are SO much easier to get along with once they have been castrated !!
Pixie, do what I did, ship the man out, enjoy your children and get a couple male cats and castrate them, males are SO much easier to get along with once they have been castrated !!
Hey Pixie, I totally empathize with you. That's how my ex started acting (found out later was b/c he had a gf and wanted out of the married life) before we split. He would say the same kind of things to me and blame me for everything that went wrong in our marriage, no matter how insignifigant. Just know that ur not alone and many of us have been there. I do hope things get better for you though. Take care sweety !
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