MY girlfriend complains I'm too "jokey", never serious (girl, love)

[samston]

Originally Posted by venologsa

My girlfriend complains that I'm too "jokey", always being a clown, throwing line after line, being "on", and in character even when she wants to be serious and make a serious emotional connection or something.

The thing is that, what initally attracted her was me being a clown. And thats what I did through all her dates. Its my job to provide entertainment. Thats the bargain. So shes telling me not to hold up my side of the deal, which is to bring the comedy. Sure she says it ok now. But obviously if I ever did do that, she would be real pissed that I'm not doing my part. She THINKS she wants me to be "Serious", "myself" the "real me" and to stop "acting". But like I said if I ever did that, she'd wonder what the point of this relationship is.

Its not neccesarily that I'm always telling jokes. She just feels like I'm playing a part, playing a character or something, 24/7.

Advice?

It's her problem, not yours.

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by samston

It's her problem, not yours.

I absolutely disagree. I know someone who's the perpetual "funny man" and although his humor can be amusing and even very funny, the continual nature of it is very off-putting and ultimately really annoying. I've seen many people initially attracted to him for his ready wit but they eventually drift away from him for that reason. As others have noted, balance is everything.

[samston]

Originally Posted by STT Resident

I absolutely disagree. I know someone who's the perpetual "funny man" and although his humor can be amusing and even very funny, the continual nature of it is very off-putting and ultimately really annoying. I've seen many people initially attracted to him for his ready wit but they eventually drift away from him for that reason. As others have noted, balance is everything.

I think a person should be themselves, and not accommodate for others.

[KylieEve]

Originally Posted by samston

It's her problem, not yours.

No he has the problem.You can't go through life making jokes at inappropriate times. The OP needs to learn when it is appropriate and when its not.

[Tnhoneypot]

Nothing wrong with having a good sense of humor, but too much of trying to be a class-clown constantly, is not only annoying, but very immature. Maybe tone it down a notch or two, and try and have a serious conversation with your gf ever once in awhile, or she might just tell you to take your stand-up down the road!

[glastron_79]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

You can not be the clown all the time. Hit the right mixture like I do

5 stars for you, AC.

[Tzaphkiel]

It is a good opening post, and asks a valid question. I can speak to it from experience, because I too was attracted to someone who made me laugh, and we got married. The problem was NOT that he was able to make me laugh and had a way of joking around that lifted my spirits. That remained the same, and was a positive.

The problem was that he was not able to LISTEN when I wanted to discuss something, and he was not able to DISCUSS something or even share his views on it. Even when I asked him please can we discuss this, this is important, this is serious, he would not or could not do it.

If both people in a relationship are not able to share their feelings with each other, and listen to each other, and discuss what is important, then yes it is a BIG problem.

So the joking is still a good thing. The bad thing is when you are unable to listen to what she is asking of you, particularly when she says it is important, or serious, or needs your attention. Because then it looks like you are not able to hear her, you are not able to communicate with her, and you don't care about what is important to her, or what she is asking of you in the moment. Best wishes.

(my husband was unwilling and unable to change, he did not feel it was important to communicate with me, and yes we got divorced)

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by venologsa

even when she wants to be serious and make a serious emotional connection or something.

if I ever did that, she'd wonder what the point of this relationship is.

the point of the relationship? to be willing and able to listen to her, and to respond to her

consider yourself very fortunate that she cares enough about you to want to make a serious emotional connection with you.

what will happen if you are serious, if you are yourself, if you are vulnerable? you say she would then not want to be with you. but the truth is, when you are emotionally available, and emotionally vulnerable, and willing to take that risk, and be yourself, the truth is that is when a person is most loved and most lovable. She knows that, what she is saying is that she wants to get closer to you because she cares deeply for you.

if you persist in keeping things at a jokey superficial fun level all the time, she will never get the opportunity to build a stronger deeper relationship with you nor will she be able to get closer to you

so if you want to run her off, then keep up the jokes. If you want a stronger, deeper, more fulfilling connection with the woman, try doing what she is asking of you, which is being yourself, being serious, dropping the funny stuff. Yes it's scary. But the reward is someone loving you for who you are, not for the act or role you are able to play

what she is saying is she cares for you deeply and wants to be closer. if you have the balls to be yourself, be serious, then you are showing that you care enough about her to take that risk, and to try and be more emotionally available to her. best wishes

[Northside904]

It's good to have humor but like the old adage goes, there's a time for jokes and a time for seriousness.

[calipoppy]

Originally Posted by venologsa

My girlfriend complains that I'm too "jokey", always being a clown, throwing line after line, being "on", and in character even when she wants to be serious and make a serious emotional connection or something.

The thing is that, what initally attracted her was me being a clown. And thats what I did through all her dates. Its my job to provide entertainment. Thats the bargain. So shes telling me not to hold up my side of the deal, which is to bring the comedy. Sure she says it ok now. But obviously if I ever did do that, she would be real pissed that I'm not doing my part. She THINKS she wants me to be "Serious", "myself" the "real me" and to stop "acting". But like I said if I ever did that, she'd wonder what the point of this relationship is.

Its not neccesarily that I'm always telling jokes. She just feels like I'm playing a part, playing a character or something, 24/7.

Advice?

It sounds as if you have "comedian psychological complex" otherwise known as Robin Williams disease.

Have you ever watched a comedian who is always "on"? Or watched someone like (Oprah, Barbara Walters, etc) attempt to interview certain comedians? There is a certain insecurity that comedic types have that leads them to constantly deflect reality (or potential pain) with humor and/or sarcasm.

Is it any wonder that hypercomedic types like Robin Williams turn out to be major alcoholics and heavy drug users....they have a real problem with trying to deal in reality.

Your girlfriend is telling ou that she doesn't really "know" you. The "real" you. And maybe you are afraid to show her the "real" you.
Why not give her a chance to decide if she likes the "real" you instead of the character that you are playing. That mask will get cracked at one point or another.