Guys (Or Girls) Can you help me? (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend)

[lilac456]

I don't know what to think anymore - or where to turn so maybe someone out here will have some advice or answers for me. I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now, prior to that we had a somewhat rocky off and on never serious relationship. It started with pretty much just 'going home' together for some fun after the bar and all that. He has slept with ALOT of women and was quite the pig for the longest time - I knew about some during our off and on times. Well anyways - something clicked one day and he changed completely - moved in and we have the greatest relationship. He's my best friend and I trust him completely - seriously he wouldn't have time to cheat or anything so that's not my worry. I never have anytimes where I am unsure of where he is. But the problem is - our sexlife. At first it was still okay when we moved in together and now its been almost a year - I don't get it. He has said before he has a hard time now because he loves me and it's hard to associate me both ways? Is this something anyone else has dealt with? Will this ever change?

[CityGirl72]

How old is he?

It's hard to switch gears I'll tell you that. I found single -life sex much more exciting and satisfying then married sex. I have no clue how people think it's better. But now that I've been married for 4 years, that "itch" for single-life sex is gone and I'm okay with the marriage sex.

Maybe he needs a long adjustment period. It took me nearly two years to adjust.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by lilac456

I don't know what to think anymore - or where to turn so maybe someone out here will have some advice or answers for me. I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now, prior to that we had a somewhat rocky off and on never serious relationship. It started with pretty much just 'going home' together for some fun after the bar and all that. He has slept with ALOT of women and was quite the pig for the longest time - I knew about some during our off and on times. Well anyways - something clicked one day and he changed completely - moved in and we have the greatest relationship. He's my best friend and I trust him completely - seriously he wouldn't have time to cheat or anything so that's not my worry. I never have anytimes where I am unsure of where he is. But the problem is - our sexlife. At first it was still okay when we moved in together and now its been almost a year - I don't get it. He has said before he has a hard time now because he loves me and it's hard to associate me both ways? Is this something anyone else has dealt with? Will this ever change?

I think I'd be singing to him "Don't Rock the Boat Babe"
cause he is....and I'm serious.... I've heard about this senerio before, and it's not a pretty sight, believe me....my questions are these....and you don't have to answer them publically here on this forum.

1. Does he work and contribute to the expenses (if he doesn't, he is taking advantage of you big time and when the money runs out he will leave)

2. Does he drink or do drugs (he is looking for someone to support his habit)

3. Do you know any of his family members (if he doesn't share his family with you and is dedicated to them, i.e. holidays, birthdays, etc.)

4. Has he lived with others before you like this... I'm thinking your not the first and you won't be the last.

5. How long was it from the time you dated, until the time he moved in? (If it was a quick desission, you may have a big problem on your hands)

6. Does he have children, and if so, does he pay child support (if he doesn't he is irresponsible and not a candidate for a friend, let alone a bf).

7. Does he speak rationally & maturely about other relationships or does he run everyone else into the ground brutally? (meaning, does he accept rational blame for the end of any of his relationships or is it everyone else's fault)

8. Is he mature?

9. Does he take you out? to dinner, to a movie, to festivals, or do you simply stay home and work most of the time

10. Do you both save any money, if you have money saved and he doesn't and he knows about your bank account, look out.

I would think about these questions carefully and conclude, then you will be able to answer your own question....wisely

I've known two girls that this happened to, and they were clean out, both financially and mentally, these kind of people suck you dry and are very good at what they do, meaning, arguing their point until it seems truthful and realistic. Believe me...it is not.

Hugs

[lilac456]

See my replies below, I don't mind posting them for more insight. And we are both 30.

[quote=cremebrulee;996342]I think I'd be singing to him "Don't Rock the Boat Babe"
cause he is....and I'm serious.... I've heard about this senerio before, and it's not a pretty sight, believe me....my questions are these....and you don't have to answer them publically here on this forum.

1. Does he work and contribute to the expenses (if he doesn't, he is taking advantage of you big time and when the money runs out he will leave)

Yes - he pays half of all the bills - including half of the mortgage because I recently bought the townhome we live in on my own since we are not married.

2. Does he drink or do drugs (he is looking for someone to support his habit)

We both do drink here and there - so some nights nothing happens because we are too tired or been out too long.

3. Do you know any of his family members (if he doesn't share his family with you and is dedicated to them, i.e. holidays, birthdays, etc.)

I go to all of his family events - his mom's birthday and mother's day even. Went to a family reunion of his out of state and he paid for me to go. He also comes to all of my family events.

4. Has he lived with others before you like this... I'm thinking your not the first and you won't be the last.

He has never lived with any female before me.

5. How long was it from the time you dated, until the time he moved in? (If it was a quick desission, you may have a big problem on your hands)

We had a non-serious off and on relationship for 3 years before moving in together.

6. Does he have children, and if so, does he pay child support (if he doesn't he is irresponsible and not a candidate for a friend, let alone a bf).

No children,

7. Does he speak rationally & maturely about other relationships or does he run everyone else into the ground brutally? (meaning, does he accept rational blame for the end of any of his relationships or is it everyone else's fault)

He doesn't really talk about past relationships, all I know of (mainly from other people) was he had a real commitment problem before and I was one of the first person he ever seriously commited to. Had one long term girlfriend in his early twenties who I believe broke his heart but he never really talks about here.

8. Is he mature?

Yes, way moreso now than when I first met him or even when we moved in together.

9. Does he take you out? to dinner, to a movie, to festivals, or do you simply stay home and work most of the time

We go out every Friday and Saturday night - usually he pays, and occasionally during the week.

10. Do you both save any money, if you have money saved and he doesn't and he knows about your bank account, look out.

Right now neither of us have much money saved in all honesty.

I would think about these questions carefully and conclude, then you will be able to answer your own question....wisely

[cremebrulee]

well, then I'm stumped and I would suggest that this is a man of quality and dignity who respects others...perhaps you could discuss seeing a professional...a doctor, or a sex counselor? Or if you are ok with this situation, and if it works for both of you, why fix it. But, if your asking for help then I would imagine it is bothering you as it should...

Lets wait and see how some of the men on this site respond, as I hold their opinions very high.

In the meantime, hang in there...and my best...

[MsB23]

Hmmm...well, with a guy like that, sex & love are 2 different things. On the upside, at least his family knows you exist. That's a biggie. This guy reminds me a lot of my son's father...altho, we never got past the on/off again going home from the bar thing...he's still in that cycle, but in another state now...& I don't think any of his family/friends know I or his son exist.

Have you tried mixing things up a bit? Perhaps you could arrive separately somewhere & he could "pick you up" from the bar? I dunno...I'm just thinking a little creativity might help him make that transition between you the hot chick & you the woman he loves. You are both of those things & somewhere the switch needs to flip in his head that it's ok for you to be both of those things.

I have faith that this can work out for you guys...but you do need to figure something out with this. If he's used to lots of random sex, & then goes to none, that's trouble waiting to happen.

Based on what you said, tho, I think you do have something workable. My vote, is to try & mix it up a bit...throw a little kink into things, & maybe you'll be surprised...

Good luck!

[spiritwalker]

Elvis thought Priscilla was too pure so they only did it a few times..I believe Elvis went elsewhere on occasion. Your guy may indeed be a loving and noble fellow who holds you in high regard and who is too busy to do anything but work. Not every guy steps out.......But a year? Somethings up . I suggest that you consider some counseling to look into this matter. It is good that he has changed his old ways but he doesn't have to embrace celibacy with you.

I went through a period like this in my life long ago. I over did it regarding not wanting to be intimate with my partner at the time for similar reasons. Today I hold my wife in the highest regard yet will welcome any opportunity to engage in blissful , hot, romantic and sexy intimacy( read If she desires I will jump her bones LOL)
In all seriousness seek some help. If he is not willing at this time then you go.
Spiritwalker

[Anu2]

Originally Posted by MsB23

Hmmm...well, with a guy like that, sex & love are 2 different things. On the upside, at least his family knows you exist. That's a biggie. This guy reminds me a lot of my son's father...altho, we never got past the on/off again going home from the bar thing...he's still in that cycle, but in another state now...& I don't think any of his family/friends know I or his son exist.

Have you tried mixing things up a bit? Perhaps you could arrive separately somewhere & he could "pick you up" from the bar? I dunno...I'm just thinking a little creativity might help him make that transition between you the hot chick & you the woman he loves. You are both of those things & somewhere the switch needs to flip in his head that it's ok for you to be both of those things.

I have faith that this can work out for you guys...but you do need to figure something out with this. If he's used to lots of random sex, & then goes to none, that's trouble waiting to happen.

Based on what you said, tho, I think you do have something workable. My vote, is to try & mix it up a bit...throw a little kink into things, & maybe you'll be surprised...

Good luck!

I agree--mix it up! Role playing would be a good start. Also are you normally the aggressor or is he? You need to make sure you're doing your part to turn him on!

[shuke]

Originally Posted by lilac456

I don't know what to think anymore - or where to turn so maybe someone out here will have some advice or answers for me. I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now, prior to that we had a somewhat rocky off and on never serious relationship. It started with pretty much just 'going home' together for some fun after the bar and all that. He has slept with ALOT of women and was quite the pig for the longest time - I knew about some during our off and on times. Well anyways - something clicked one day and he changed completely - moved in and we have the greatest relationship. He's my best friend and I trust him completely - seriously he wouldn't have time to cheat or anything so that's not my worry. I never have anytimes where I am unsure of where he is. But the problem is - our sexlife. At first it was still okay when we moved in together and now its been almost a year - I don't get it. He has said before he has a hard time now because he loves me and it's hard to associate me both ways? Is this something anyone else has dealt with? Will this ever change?

1. How much does he drink?
2. How much does he work?
3. Is he under a lot of stress?
4. Have you kept up your physical appearance? No big weight gain?

All of the above could contribute to a lack of interest or ability to perform. Break it down like this... there is a problem. The problem may be physical, or it may be mental. Which is it? A physical problem (like impotence) is often rooted in some mental issues.

I wouldn't buy the "I love you too much" line. Frankly, that's a load of crap. Maybe he has lost interest in the relationship and just doesn't want to hurt your feelings... could be lots of things along those lines. The most obvious and most likely explanation, at least in my opinion, is that he may no longer be physically attracted to you. If it's not that, then there is some factor OTHER than you at work. And, my next-best guess would be those other factors are resulting in impotence and, rather than discussing that with you, he is coming off as just not interested, which is being further wrapped in the lame excuse he gave you.

[Rance]

I know a few guys the have diabeties (spelling) and they have similar issues. It's not that they don't want to...it's more they can't. You may suggest a doctor visit, viagra or the stuff that annoying guy sells on TV? Perhaps some rope. You can jump him when he walks in the door and tie him up. Then have your way with him.