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Just curious: is that what you did in your marriage, or what you are currently doing? You seem to be advocating pretty hard for this because you have posted this multiple times.
Perhaps it's just the fact that she actually DOES have a low sex drive. You can't really change that. You can adapt & compromise and accept you won't get everything you want, or chase the sex elsewhere. While YOU still can anyway.
That is a distinct possibility. It is not uncommon at all.
Many posters here seem to express the idea that everyone must have a strong sex drive; but there are a few who have admitted they simply do not.
There are many people out there who just do not want sex. It is not a need in their life.
Now to get back to the whole touching thing... The other night I asked my SO for a neck rub because I had a bit of a tension headache. I never ask him for stuff like that, and that was the only intention behind asking.
BUT... let's just say that now the joke is, "Hey, you want a neck rub? You want a neck rub? YOU WANT A NECK RUB?"
LOL, funny you mention this!
The other night I had been feeling a little down in the dumps for some reason. Dh came home from work, noticed that I was a little detached and asked "do you need a hug?".
Well, I THOUGHT all I needed was a hug, turned out I needed a lot more than that.
Now that's the inside joke here...at dinner last night we were all sitting at the table and I told dh "I think I need a hug tonight"...he raised his brown with that "yeah baby" look back to me...then my youngest son states "yeah Dad, I need a hug too". I almost choked on my food...LOL
But, touch is such a powerful thing. It can do wonders and be very theraputic to just get a hug. Dh makes me melt when he touches my face, and we get a spunky with the playful slaps. The right kind of touching (hugs, caresses, snuggling....NOT thrusting your hips at her humping her from behind) without the expectation of sex is a great way to increase the interest and closeness in someone that has lost interest in physical intimacy.
I love how people make comments in this thread based on the (false) presumption that I'm not putting in a fair share of child care and housekeeping tasks.
you have to understand that most people who post on here post from their own experiences. Those people who are saying this are experiencing this and therefore let you know that this could be a factor. Is it truly the factor in your case? It could be or could not be.
I for one am not going to be judgemental in that area and hope that you are indeed holding out to your responsibilities as far as the child goes in helping bring the kiddo up. And also doing choirs as needed to help her out.
I know in my case.. I did ALL of the house work (to include cook) and she helped very little with the children. Stupid to say ... she didnt work either.. so for that long I try to figure out what damn good was she? No help in the home, no sex, no help paying the bills. Dayum.. now I am thinking back.. why didnt i get rid of her much earlier??
There is another thread on page one of this forum that is worth reading. The major difference is that the gender roles are reversed. The husband, by withholding sex, was labeled as emotionally abusive. I believe that could apply to my wife as well.
There is another thread on page one of this forum that is worth reading. The major difference is that the gender roles are reversed. The husband, by withholding sex, was labeled as emotionally abusive. I believe that could apply to my wife as well.
Withholding sex is a form of emotional abuse. It's also a controlling mechanism. There's a lot more too it than most people realize. There's some ugly psychological realities that aren't usually even considered.
There is another thread on page one of this forum that is worth reading. The major difference is that the gender roles are reversed. The husband, by withholding sex, was labeled as emotionally abusive. I believe that could apply to my wife as well.
I am a female, married. We've had a lot of valleys but made it through. I think she's feeling pressure - start slow, go for a walk, take her out of the environment - slowly. Touch is the magic secret. Women are funny; we like to feel our best and when we're not....well, it takes a while.
Get her a card - tell her you appreciate her - slowly, not all at once. Find stuff to do together (not around the house) - talk to her about her day, all that.
Don't give up. We women get tired, overwhelmed and it's good you're helping out more. I sense she's feeling some pressure - do a movie night - just get out.
Some wise person told me once when we had our first child, make sure you make time for yourselves - have a date night once a week - surprise her - set it up but take it slow.
Many posters here seem to express the idea that everyone must have a strong sex drive; but there are a few who have admitted they simply do not.
There are many people out there who just do not want sex. It is not a need in their life.
^^^ +1 ^^^
One way to think about it: what is the distribution of sex drive across the entire population of adults? Would it look like the "bell curve", where sort of by definition, there are about as many people with "weak" sex drive as "strong" sex drive, and most are clumped in the middle?
or would the distribution look more like a uniform distribution?
I don't know. I don't have a very large sample size.
****
You have a toddler, so my guess is you also have a video camera & tripod. Maybe try to entice your wife to make home porno - each adopt the persona of an actor/actress & be someone else for the night... So you can each see yourself on camera... maybe she can see her enthusiasm or lack thereof.
I appreciate the encouragement from those who said I shouldn't give up. I have stopped talking about this with her, but still give off the overall vibe that I'm disappointed with the relationship.
I applaud her initiative in arranging a sitter for this Saturday night. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said I didn't know but just wanted to enjoy being together. She said if I was good, we might have sex. That hit too close to home. I said if she was good, I wouldn't throw her out. It's getting chippy.
I agree with those who say I have to make a ridiculous amount of effort to make something happen that should naturally be part of the marriage. Checking out for good seems an attractive option
Ugh, to me that screams the familiar "charity" I loathe It's as if your wife is already prepared from the get go, "He would want sex out of all this niceness. Oh well, I guess I can put up once in a while".
I'm sorry if I sounded like a downer. I'm just "trained" to smell such thing a mile away.
I hope I was wrong on this.
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Have a date night, get away....
