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My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions. Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
I would never cheat on my wife, but I know that sort of thing happens a lot in situations like this. I hate to come across like I'm blaming the victims, but it just amazes me that women go through their married lives in a fog, find out the husband cheated, and they're like "I can't believe he did that, when I loved him so much." Are you kidding me? Male or female, one thing is true - we're all human, and if you don't feed your partner's ego enough, he or she will turn against you in some way, shape or form.
OP, I've heard your story in countless different incarnations when I went out with single dads. I'm not sure if it makes you feel any better, but you aren't the only one who's going through this. There are others who went before you.
I don't know what to say. It just seems like the two of you have different priorities. Your child is your wife's first priority, and that's not going to change in this lifetime. I think that some women are capable of putting their husbands first -- my own mother did -- and some can't. I also think that the reason why my parents were on the same wavelength is that they were both career people. The home hours they had together were precious and few, and I think that this gave them a perspective that you don't find in an imbalanced marriage (one works, one doesn't).
Chances are the problems in the marriage that have recently manifested themselves were there before your child came along, and you didn't know it. There was some sort of imbalance or "lacking in ..." that you haven't acknowledged or yet defined. Only you can figure it out and determine if things can be made right.
This is one of the things that causes so many divorces in this country. So many times the sex lives are great until after the wedding, then everything changes. I would make sure she has a job and can support herself, then I would tell her how you feel and what you are going to do to correct the problem, then I'd do it. Life is too short to be unhappy, I doubt that she will ever change her attitude. Either she likes sex, or she doesn't. One other thing you might think about, do you help her with the house work so she isn't worn out at the end of the day? Raising a child and doing house work is no easy task, maybe she needs some help from you. If your help makes no difference, I'd bail.
My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions.Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
You tell your wife her priorities are backward. You call her clueless. You claim to be deep enough inside her head to know what her mindset is. You say her approach to sex is lame and boring. You can't talk about it without becoming angry.
Of course it makes no impact at all. She has probably tuned you out, and with good reason.
Step back and look at what you've written. If your wife came at you telling you that your priorities are backward, called you clueless in front of a million strangers, claimed to know your motivations and mindset like she's omniscient, told the whole world your approach to sex was lame and boring, and was incapable of carrying on a delicate discussion without becoming angry, how would you feel?
And obviously she does not agree with you that her priorities are backward because her actions aren't there to show it. She's paying you lip service, most likely to shut you up and stop your nagging.
Abrasive, aren't I?
But that's how your post came across to me. If you express yourself with her the way you've expressed yourself here, I can't blame her one bit. Your post irritated me and I don't know you from Adam. I can't imagine living with that kind of attitude day in and day out, and I can guarantee you that I am not the only woman in the world who is going to pick up on your vibe. Your approach would turn off a lot of women, and I can totally understand it if it totally alienated the woman who gave birth to and is raising your child.
Granted, I'm not in your marriage, but just going by this post alone, it seems to me that you need to learn how to talk to her. The one sentiment you did express appropriately is that you feel she finds you undesirable. That is how you need to phrase it, and then listen to what she says in response. Speaking of, I'd also wager that you need to learn how to listen, and maybe even give a little. What have you done for her lately, other than talk about your needs and what you want? Because all I see in your post is a lot of "me, me, me, I want, I need, me, me, me."
Of course, you've said you made changes in your lifestyle to spend more time with your wife and son. Maybe that's what you've done for her lately. But did you talk about those changes with your wife beforehand? Or did you take it upon yourself to change the family dynamic and just expect your family to go along with it? And what kind of changes are they? By spending more time with them, are you also taking charge of things your wife was capable and content in handling herself? Are you behaving in ways that can be seen as "taking over" or changing routines?
Again, I'm not in your marriage and I don't know you from Adam, but your tone struck me as domineering, bossy, and just a bit petulant. You accept her for what she is but you don't like it and you don't have to?
Then you don't accept her. It sounds like you don't even like her. Just food for thought.
Last edited by Yzette; 10-05-2010 at 12:39 AM..
Reason: fun with boldface type
My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions. Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
I would never cheat on my wife, but I know that sort of thing happens a lot in situations like this. I hate to come across like I'm blaming the victims, but it just amazes me that women go through their married lives in a fog, find out the husband cheated, and they're like "I can't believe he did that, when I loved him so much." Are you kidding me? Male or female, one thing is true - we're all human, and if you don't feed your partner's ego enough, he or she will turn against you in some way, shape or form.
On the contrary, it sounds to me like you have thought everything through and have tried to discuss things with your wife, etc. It also sounds like you are being reasonable enough and trying to be patient. I get it. Let me ask you this. Does your wife have any hobbies or is she a stay at home Mom and her day mostly consists of doing Mom stuff?
A lot of times what happens with woman (and I was one of them lo' those many years ago) is that we get so caught up in the kids and the house chores with little to no social contact outside of the house, everything just becomes SO routine; including sex.
I think the reason your conversations are not working with her is that all she hears is sex, sex, sex, blah blah blah... sex. She hears you droning on and on about it but not doing anything for "her". While YOU may have adjusted your schedule to make more time for her and your son, what has she actually done for herself?
Do you guys have a date night where you arrange for a sitter and she gets to dress up and be girly? Do you babysit your son and tell her to get lost, go do something for herself? A woman needs to be reminded that she is sexy, once we have kids, stay at home, dress in sweats all day long - we kind of lose (and forget) the desire to be womanly, sexy, charming, etc...
It took me a long time even after I divorced my kids father to feel sexy again. I had to relearn how to dress, do my hair, do my makeup, etc...
Having a child IS a huge step in a relationship. It does change the dynamics but there are ways to keep love alive. If you always had more sex drive, you can't hold her responsible for her lacking, because in your own words, she always was lacking. What you can try to do now is just look for small ways / gestures to show that she's very desirable.
My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions. Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
I would never cheat on my wife, but I know that sort of thing happens a lot in situations like this. I hate to come across like I'm blaming the victims, but it just amazes me that women go through their married lives in a fog, find out the husband cheated, and they're like "I can't believe he did that, when I loved him so much." Are you kidding me? Male or female, one thing is true - we're all human, and if you don't feed your partner's ego enough, he or she will turn against you in some way, shape or form.
if she is not willing to work on it then it's time to leave.
... It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?" ...
She has to 'give it up'.
Rather implies to me that it is a treat handed out to a begging dog; and not a mutually enjoyed act of love.
She only 'gives it' because your there asking for it. If you stopped asking, she would likely stop giving it to you entirely.
During courtship there was an added excitement, perhaps an added motive for her to be sexual to win you over. But now that the wedding bells can no longer be heard any excitement is long gone and there is no further motive for her to be in the mood.
Be glad that she agrees to once a week [for now].
In group, I have observed this scenario many times; her agreeing to once a week will lessen to once a month, then once a year on your birthday [since it is a treat after all], then ...
You may have to prepare yourself for the cold reality that she just isn't turned no or attracted by you and that there may never be a solution to this, at least not under the same roof.
Was there a time in your marriage, perhaps early on, when she seemed to enjoy it, and you did it more frequently? Did everything change after you had your child? Did she go through depression, perhaps that's partly or fully to blame for her lack of sex drive? You expressed your needs and concerns, have you asked her about hers? You also mentioned that you weren't home that much due to work, which means she was left at home to care for your baby in addition to keeping house--probably not a lot of energy and desire left after a full day of child rearing and chores.
Your sex lives waxed and waned, you learned to adapt by keeping busy, she learned to adapt as well. Could be she's come to terms with just not wanting sex, either with you, or just in general. Have you considered counseling at all?
My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Your OP doesn't say if she's home all day with your child or if she works P/T, but a 16 month old is a handful.... walking, climbing on things, needing to be supervised at all times because they are exploring the world around them, still in diapers and usually up from early AM and get to sleep only at 8-9 pm. As beautiful a time as it is, it can be exhausting.
I also second andrea's post about a mom sometimes not having an opportunity to feel sexy and womanly.
So my first recommendation to you is to get a babysitter once a week so she can get dressed up. Tell her how beautiful and sexy she is to YOU and how much she turns you on. DO NOT talk about your household finances or responsibilities. DO NOT talk about how boring sex with her is. Laugh, joke, kiss, hold hands, touch (A LOT of little touches under the table, on the nape of her nape) and build it up before you walk back through your front door. Intimacy does not begin and end in the bedroom.
Quote:
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions. Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
I would never cheat on my wife, but I know that sort of thing happens a lot in situations like this. I hate to come across like I'm blaming the victims, but it just amazes me that women go through their married lives in a fog, find out the husband cheated, and they're like "I can't believe he did that, when I loved him so much." Are you kidding me? Male or female, one thing is true - we're all human, and if you don't feed your partner's ego enough, he or she will turn against you in some way, shape or form.
Communication is great, but not the way you're going at it. Instead of talking in negatives and pointing fingers at her as the source of the problem, be positive and constructive. There's a dynamic going on and believe it or not, YOU are part of that dynamic. DO NOT tell her how sex with her is boring , tell her "I'd love for US to spice up OUR sex life" or better yet take the initiative and spice it up yourself. Maybe for her sex with you is boring too. Buy her some lingerie and ask to see her in it, get some massage oil and give her an all-over massage that will have her begging you for more, if she's less tired in the morning wake her up with a steaming cup of coffee 30-45 minutes before your child wakes up. C'mon, use your imagination and your gut. Some things are best communicated through doing not litigating and accusing and putting the other on the defensive.
I do understand your frustration and your issue is a very valid one. It may not seem fair that the onous is on you, but if it's bothering you more than her, you need to at least give it a try. Don't forget, for a while you were OK with the situation, now you no longer. So if this is the primary issue in your marriage and you otherwise love her and feel it's worth the effort, this can possibly be remedied, although it has obviously caused you to build up a lot of resentment already. Don't let it get worse because it will begin to spill over into other parts of your relationship too. Nip it in the bud, but be smart about it.
Before I abandoned the one I am supposedly in love with. Not to mention have a child with. I think I would take her for a complete physical workup with her doctor. It isnt unusual at all for ladies to lose some of thier libido after childbirth. But most caring husbands would have done this already. Your post makes it quite clear that this situation is all about YOU. Not BOTH of you. "If big daddy aint gettin no nookie, it's got to be somebody elses fault!" Right?
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Food for thought,
I can't imagine living with that kind of attitude day in and day out, and I can guarantee you that I am not the only woman in the world who is going to pick up on your vibe. Your approach would turn off a lot of women, and I can totally understand it if it totally alienated the woman who gave birth to and is raising your child.
Laugh, joke, kiss, hold hands, touch (A LOT of little touches under the table, on the nape of her nape) and build it up before you walk back through your front door. Intimacy does not begin and end in the bedroom.
