I've made the decision to end it. But how do I go about it? (married, man)

[xo.stevers.xo]

I've been in a relationship with someone for 7 years. We have 2 kids, and we were each others first everything. We had a 2 yr period of "off and on" about 4 years ago in which a lot of things happened. Lies, cheating, general disrespect...etc etc....I was young and naive and let it go and decided to continue on in the relationship.
I have been growing alot as a person and becoming more confident in myself and realizing a lot of things I didn't realize when I was younger. Looking back I should have done a lot of things differently, but I didn't.

In the past few years, my SO has also become more of a man, also. He is becoming the person who he wants to be and I care a lot about him but I am not in love. I don't want to marry him. I want to be single and I don't see myself with him. We have out fair share of problems and I just don't want to try anymore because I am not feeling it. I can't live my life unhappy, just to make him happy. It's not fair to myself.

My problem is I have never had to break up with anyone. And I don't know how. I know that seems silly and I could just say ok bye and kick him out. But it's hard when I don't have any harsh feelings against him. And he's a great father, and I know he's going to take it badly. I feel like I'll be taking his family away and I don't want to do that but I just can't be in this relationship any longer.
Please help!!!

[Capt. Dan]

My first thought is to ask you to please go back to your profile and look at what you wrote for who your Heroes are. Since there are 2 kids involved and you dont mention any reasons other than you simply dont want to be in a relationship with him, maybe some time and counseling would be helpful. I'm truly sorry you are going thru this.

[OngletNYC]

What's wrong with having an honest discussion? If you are mature enough bear a person's children, you should be mature enough to tell him in an honest and open manner exactly what is on your mind. No it isn't going to be fun, but that's life.

[Dragonfly8]

I'm with Capt' Dan. You didn't say anything about your children. This isn't just about you and what you want.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[xo.stevers.xo]

Originally Posted by Capt. Dan

My first thought is to ask you to please go back to your profile and look at what you wrote for who your Heroes are. Since there are 2 kids involved and you dont mention any reasons other than you simply dont want to be in a relationship with him, maybe some time and counseling would be helpful. I'm truly sorry you are going thru this.

Well I didn't want to mention reasons because I don't want to turn the thread into a "oh you need to get out of there" type of thread because I already know that part. But some reasons are:

*He is extremely jealous. I can't have friends that are guys and if he doesn't like a friend I have that's a girl, I can't be her friend either. I have confronted him about this and he says its not true, but when it comes down to it, if I want to avoid arguments and drama. I better just not have friends.
*He is possesive.
*He doesn't respect my opinions. We can't "agree to disagree" If I have a different opinion, I'm an idiot.
*We dont agree on parenting methods. I feel he is very harsh and he thinks I'm too gentle.
*He is manipulative...most of our arguments end with him crying about not being good enough for me and hoe he knows he has isses and blah blah blah. Basically he twists everything to make me feel guilty.

I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I deserve more.

Also we tried counseling a year or so ago, but he always found a problem with the therapist. If it was a female, she was biased. If it was a male, he wanted to get in my pants.

[xo.stevers.xo]

Originally Posted by OngletNYC

What's wrong with having an honest discussion? If you are mature enough bear a person's children, you should be mature enough to tell him in an honest and open manner exactly what is on your mind. No it isn't going to be fun, but that's life.

We have had brief discussions but it always ends with him crying and me feeling guilty...I have to break that cycle, I know...it's just rough.
I appreciate the feedback though

[malamute]

Do your kids matter at all in this? You say he's a great father - so you don't want to marry a man who is a great father to the kids you had with him?

[malamute]

Originally Posted by xo.stevers.xo

Well I didn't want to mention reasons because I don't want to turn the thread into a "oh you need to get out of there" type of thread because I already know that part. But some reasons are:

*He is extremely jealous. I can't have friends that are guys and if he doesn't like a friend I have that's a girl, I can't be her friend either. I have confronted him about this and he says its not true, but when it comes down to it, if I want to avoid arguments and drama. I better just not have friends.
*He is possesive.
*He doesn't respect my opinions. We can't "agree to disagree" If I have a different opinion, I'm an idiot.
*We dont agree on parenting methods. I feel he is very harsh and he thinks I'm too gentle.
*He is manipulative...most of our arguments end with him crying about not being good enough for me and hoe he knows he has isses and blah blah blah. Basically he twists everything to make me feel guilty.

I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I deserve more.

Also we tried counseling a year or so ago, but he always found a problem with the therapist. If it was a female, she was biased. If it was a male, he wanted to get in my pants.

In this case - it sounds like he's borderline abusive and since you aren't even married, just go ahead and break it off. There's no point in dangling him along if you don't want to be with him, there's no vows to break, messy divorce or anything like that. Just admit it didn't work out and end the relationship.

[xo.stevers.xo]

Originally Posted by malamute

Do your kids matter at all in this? You say he's a great father - so you don't want to marry a man who is a great father to the kids you had with him?

He is a great father, we disagree about some things but overall he is a great father. But I don't want to devote my life to someone just for that reason. Yes, he's a great father but he doesn't always treat me the greatest and I'm not happy with the relationship.
I'm not taking the kids from him. Of course he will still be apart of their lives and they go stay with him sometimes.

When I said "I feel like I'll be taking his family away..." I meant more just because he lives with us and they see him everyday and things will change. I didn't mean literally I'm going to disappear with kids.

I guess I worded that wrong on my end.

[pitt_transplant]

I think you need to have the talk again and let the cycle happen. Then talk about that cycle and if that is what he really wants. I am sure he does not want to feel that way. Maybe try for a trial separation and he will see that you both parent better apart and like your lives better. He may enjoy the thought of having some space. Does he know/care that this type of thing affects the kids?